I just stood on the doorstep with Mary.  Everything had gone quiet.  Some of the neighbours were stood out, but no one said anything.  What was there to say?  Mary took me inside.  Janette was still asleep, oblivious to what was going on.  It was just as well.  I don’t think I could have coped at that point.
Mary appeared with a brew.  I felt so empty.  I know I didn’t give birth to Jamie, but that never crossed my mind.  He was my baby and always would be.
“Jan,” she said.  “I’ll ring Jim up and let him know what’s going on.”
I heard her, but it didn’t seem real.  I remember leaving Mary on the phone to Jim.  I went upstairs to Janette’s room.  I had no control over my tears; they just wouldn’t stop falling.  I bent down and kissed Janette on her forehead.
“Come on, sleepy head,” I said, lifting her up.
“Hello, mummy,” she smiled.
I smiled back through my tears.  “Do you want a cuppa tea?” I asked.
“Yes please mummy.”
As I carried Janette down the stairs, I saw Mary standing at the bottom.  “Are you alright, Jan?” she asked, concerned.
“Yes,” I said, tears still falling uncontrollably.
“What’s a matter, mummy?” asked Janette.
“I’m poorly,” I sobbed.
“Where?” she demanded to know.
“In my head.  I’ve got a headache.”  I handed her her cuppa.
“Ta mummy.”
I went into the living room.  “Where’s my bloody fags?” I demanded.
“Here, have one of mine.”  Mary started to open hers.
“No, I’ve got some of my own,” I said, rooting down the side of the chairs I’d been sat on.  “Ah, here they are.  Here,” I said, chucking one to Mary.
Janette came and sat on my knee.  “Poor mummy.”  She put her little hands on my forehead.  “Is that better now, mummy?”
I looked at her small face.  She was smiling.  “Yes thank you, darling.”  I put my arms around her and gave her a cuddle.
“Where’s Jamie?”  I ignored her.  “Mummy, where’s Jamie?” she asked again.
A big lump came into my throat.  “He’s gone on a happy holiday.”  I smiled down at her.
She began to cry.  “I wanted to go too, mummy.”
“I know darling,” I said, patting her.  “I know.”
“Jim said he’s coming home early Jan,” Mary said.
“Why?  What’s the point?” I asked.
“He wants to, Jan.  He wants to be with you.”  Mary lit two fags and passed me one.
“I don’t know what to do, Mary.”  Tears started falling again.
“I know love, but you have done the right thing,” she said, passing me a tissue.
“Right thing for who?” I asked.  “For me?  For Tina?  The court?  The Social?  Who?  I haven’t done the right thing for Jamie, have I?”
Even though Janette was playing with the Lego, the house seemed so quiet.  I was waiting for Tina to knock on the door and say she was sorry and I could keep him, but in my heart I knew that wasn’t going to happen.  Suddenly I heard the screech of car tyres.
“It’s Jim,” Mary said, standing up and going to the front door.  They seemed to take a while and I knew that Jim was asking her what had happened.
The living room door opened.  Janette jumped up.  “Hello, daddy.”  She flung her arms around Jim’s neck.  “Guess what.  Jamie’s gone on a happy holiday with his other mummy.”
“Oh, that’s nice, darling,” he said, kissing her cheek and putting her down.  He looked directly at me.  I could see the pain in his eyes.  “Do you want a brew, love?” he asked
“I’ll make it,” I said, getting up.  “You can come and talk to me while I do it.  Janette, you stay in here with Auntie Mary.”  We both went into the kitchen.  I turned to Jim.  “Oh Jim, she’s took him.  She never changed her mind.  It was awful.  I could hear him screaming for me as the car went round the corner,” I sobbed.
He put his arms around me and we both wept on each other’s shoulders.  The kettle began to boil.  I poured the water into the cups.  Suddenly a knock came at the door.  I jumped and poured red hot water over my hand.
“Quick Jim,” I shouted, “she’s changed her mind.”  He ran to the door.
“Hiya,” came a voice.  “Hope you don’t mind me calling today, but I was up here and I thought I’d call round and collect the milk money.”
Jim popped his head round the kitchen door.  “It’s the milkman, Jan.  Have you got his money?”
“Bloody hell,” I shouted.  I threw both cups of tea in the sink and smashed the cups.  I wrapped the wet tea towel round the hand I had burned.  “What?” I shouted at Jim.
“I - I need some money, love,” he stuttered.
“For God’s sake.”  I shoved him out of the way.  “Mary, where’s my purse?”
“It’s here Jan.”  She passed it to me.
I looked at the milkman.  It was obvious he had heard me, but I really didn’t care.  “How much do I owe you?”  I opened my purse.
“Nearly four quid, love,” he smiled.
I took the money from my purse and slammed it into his hands.  “You aren’t bloody due till Saturday,” I shouted.
“Look love, if it’s going to leave you short, I’ll come back then.”
“No, no, it’s okay,” I said.  “It’s me; I’ve not had a good day.”
“Well, let’s hope you have a nice day tomorrow,” he said.  “See ya.”  He walked up the path.  I went back into the kitchen.
“Sit down love.”  Jim pulled a chair out.  “Here.”  He shoved a cuppa into my hand.
“I can’t cope, Jim.  I feel like my heart’s been ripped out of my body.”  I broke down.  Jim cried too.  We both sat looking at each other.
Mary knocked on the kitchen door and popped her head round.  “Sorry to bother you, but do you want me to go and get Zara from school, Jan?”
“Oh Mary.  I forgot all about picking her up,” I said, jumping to my feet.
“I’ll go in the car. It’ll only take me five minutes,” Jim said.
“No love,” I replied.  “I’ll go.  The walk might help my headache.  Mary, will you stay with Jim and Janette till I get back?”
“’Course I will,” she smiled.
I slipped my coat on and started the walk to the school.  It felt strange, because I didn’t have any kids with me.  I don’t even remember getting to school; I was doing everything automatically.  I waited for Zara to come out.  The school bell rang and suddenly, there was a stampede of children.  I remember looking for a red coat with my child in it.
“Hello mummy.”  Zara pushed her picture into my hand.
“Did you have a nice day darling?” I asked.
“Yes.  Guess what.  Mrs. Green let me give all the books out and collect them in.  Where’s Janette and Jamie?” she asked.
I took hold of her hand.  “Janette’s at home with daddy and Jamie’s gone on his holidays.  Remember, I told you?” I said, looking down at her.
“When’s he coming back?” she asked.
I paused for a minute.  “I don’t know, sweetie, I don’t know.”
Just at that point one of the mums stopped me.  “Oh Jan, I’m so sorry about Jamie.  The lady in the paper shop told me.  How can any woman take a child back like that?  She doesn’t even know him.”  I held Zara’s hand tight.  I was hoping she didn’t understand what it was all about.  “You are so brave.  I couldn’t’ve just handed him back like that….not without a proper fight.”
It felt as if she was taking a jibe at me.  “What the bloody hell do you know?  Nothing.  Don’t you stand there telling me I didn’t fight.  You know what gossips have told you.  You haven’t got a bloody clue.”  She just froze to the spot.  I walked off clutching Zara’s hand.
“Mummy, did you give my baby brother away?” she asked.
Here I was in this situation I couldn’t avoid and it was as if I had given up on Jamie; as if I didn’t want him, so I gave him away.  God knows what they were saying about me on the council estate.  We approached a bench, which the council had just put around the corner from our house.  I sat down and patted the space next to me.  Zara sat.
“Now, you listen to me.”  She was crying.  She had understood what that stupid woman was saying.  “I love all of you, including Jamie.  I told you he had another mummy.  She said he could live with us until she wanted him back.”  I was crying.  “Well, she wanted him back, and mummy and daddy had to give him back.”
“Why mummy, why?” she cried.
“Because if we didn’t, the policeman would come and take me and daddy away, and who would look after you and Janette?”
She was sobbing.  “Please get him back, mummy.  I love him, he’s my baby brother.”
I put her on my knee.  I held her so closely and we both cried together.  People were walking past us.  I don’t think they were ignoring us, they knew we needed to be alone.  Like I said, news travelled fast on our estate.  We just sat.  Zara was sobbing and for me, time had come to a standstill.  If I stayed like this, I wouldn’t have to answer any more questions, or face anyone else.  After a while, I felt someone sit beside me.  Looking up, I saw it was Jim.
“Here you are.  I’ve been worried.”  He slipped his arm round my shoulders.  “Come on pud, let’s go home.”  He waited for my answer.
I shook my head and gestured no.  “It’s not home anymore, Jim.  I don’t want to be there.”
“It is home.  Janette’s there, we’re there, you’re there,” he shouted.
“But Jamie’s not,” I shouted back.
We all sat quiet for a while.  Then Zara stood up.  She took hold of my hand and then Jim’s, pulling us.  “Come on, you two,” she said.  “I want to go home for my tea.”  Like robots, we both got up and walked off together.
Mary was waiting with her coat on at the front door.  “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go, but I’ll call back later.”  She kissed my cheek.  “I’ve put you all some butties up in the kitchen, and don’t forget to eat something.”  She was such a good friend.
Night-time drew near.  The girls were very quiet.  Jim and I hardly spoke two words; after all, what was there to say?  Jim stood up.  “Give mummy a kiss night night you two, it’s time for bed.”
“Oh, can we stay down?  Please, daddy,” Zara asked.
“No, it’s bed-time.  I’ll tell you what.  I’ll give you a nice bath, eh?”  He smiled.
“Yes please, daddy.”  The girls kissed me.  I got hold of them both, and told them how much we loved them.  Then Zara asked, “What if our real mummy wants us back?  Please don’t give us back.  We love you and daddy.”  She began to cry.  I realised she was totally confused.
“Now listen,” I said sternly.  “I am your real mummy and daddy’s your real daddy, and you’re not going anywhere.  You will always live with us, so don’t you even think that.  Do you understand?”  I looked at Zara.
“Yes mummy, I do.”  She gave me a hug and turned her head slightly, so she could whisper in my ear, “But I do love Jamie, and I want him to come home.”
“I know, darling.  We do too.”
While Jim was seeing to the girls, the phone rang.  My heart in my mouth, I lifted the receiver.  “Hello?” I said shakily.
“Hiya love, it’s only me.  Are you and Jim okay?”
“Yeh Mary,” I answered.
“Did you eat those butties?”
“Yeh.”
“How ya feelin’?”
“Like crap.”  A lump came to my throat.
“You will do, love, but you have to stay strong.”
“I know,” I sobbed.  “It’s hard.”
“Do you want me to come and sit with you?”
“No Mary, you’ve done enough, love.  I couldn’t wish for a better mate.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeh, Jim and I have got some talking to do.  He’s just seeing to the girls.”
“Well, if you’re sure.”  She paused.  “I’ll come round early in the morning, so have the kettle on.”
“I will Mary.”
“Goodnight love.  See you tomorrow.”
“’Night Mary, and thanks for being my friend.”
“I’ll always be your friend Jan.”
“I know.”
“See ya tomorrow.”  She put the phone down.
“Well, that’s them two sorted,” Jim said.  “Do you want a brew love?”
“Do you not mind, Jim?”
“’Course not.  Are you going to have a butty with it?”
“No, I’m not hungry.”
“You’ve got to eat, Jan.”
“I know.  I’ll get something later.”
I couldn’t sleep that night.  I kept going over the events of the day, the talk Jim and I had had when the girls were asleep.  How could I try to be normal?  Jim said we had to keep things normal for the girls, but nothing was normal.  I had lost my baby boy.  I crept out of bed, grabbed my dressing gown and went downstairs.  I made myself a brew and went and sat in my back garden.  I remember looking up at the sky; the stars were so clear.  Was there really a God?  If there was, why did he let this happen?  Was he punishing me?  Jamie loved the stars; he thought they were fairies.
I went back inside and went into Jamie’s room.  I lay on his bed.  I could smell him on his pillow.  I felt so empty.  What was he doing?  Was he crying for us?  Did she read him a story for bed?  And did he have his favourite teddy?  I know that as I lay there, it was as if I could sense he was crying for us.  He loved us; we were his mummy and daddy.  He was with strangers.  I couldn’t bear the thought of him being frightened, but I knew he would be.
I heard the bedroom door open.  “Here love, I’ve made you a brew.”
“I’m sorry.  I must’ve fell asleep.”
“You did.  I knew this was where you were.”
I sat up.  “What time is it?”
“Quarter to six,” Jim said.
“You’re up early Jim.  Couldn’t you sleep either?”
“No love.  Do you want me to stay home?”
“No, we’ve got to carry on somehow.  I’ll be alright.”
“That’s my girl,” he smiled.
I’d washed and dressed and Jim had gone to work, to try and make up for being home the day before.  “Come on, you two sleepy heads,” I shouted up the stairs. I put the cereal on the table, and toast and teas.  The girls came down and sat in their usual places.  They were very quiet over breakfast.  I was waiting for them to mention Jamie, but they didn’t.  There was a knock on the kitchen door.
“Hiya love, only me.”  Mary came in.  “How have you been?”
“Not too bad.  Do you want a brew?”
“Go on then.”  She sat down.  “How’s the kids been?” she whispered.
“They haven’t mentioned it all morning.”  I passed Mary her brew.
“Well then, don’t you either.  Just talk about him when they do.  How’s Jim?”
“The same as me.  Empty.”
“I know love, but time’s a great healer, you know.”
“Mary, I’ll never get over this, not if I live a lifetime.”
She reached over and took my hand.  “I know, but you will learn to live with it, honest you will.”


The weeks passed.  We hadn’t heard from Tina, like she promised, and the children wouldn’t talk about Jamie.  I never heard from Bill Green, the Social Worker again.  It all felt like a bad dream.  Jim only spoke about Jamie when I did.  Maybe he was trying not to upset me, or maybe, like me, he found it too heart-breaking.  You didn’t go to counsellors in the early seventies...well I suppose wealthy people did, but we weren’t wealthy.  We were all sat watching the telly, when the phone rang.  Jim answered it.
“Jan, it’s for you, love.”  He put his hand over the receiver and whispered, “It’s Tina.”
“Hello, is that you Jan?” she began.  I sat down on the coffee table.
“Yes, why haven’t you stayed in touch, we’ve been worried sick,” I said.  “And how’s Jamie?  Is he there?”
She paused and then answered, “He’s fine.  I didn’t get in touch because he’s
been fretting for you all.  I’ve had a right job with him; he’s only just started eating again.  It’s been really hard with him.”
My eyes filled with tears.  “Can I say hello to him, Tina?”
“Well okay, but don’t upset him.”
“That’s bloody rich, coming from you,” I shouted.  Jim told me to calm down.  I was shaking.  I lit a fag.  “Who shall I say I am?” I asked her.
“Tell him the truth.  He never stops asking for you.”
I bit my lip.  I heard Tina telling him there was someone who wanted to say hello.  I beckoned to Jim.  He came over to me and I put the receiver between the two of us.  A little voice came on the phone.  “Hello, who’s that?” he said.
Jim’s eyes filled with tears and he went back over to his chair.  He picked the paper up, but I knew he was crying behind it.  “It’s me darling.  Mummy,” I said.
“Oh mummy, I want to come home.”  He began to cry.
“Shhh darling, don’t cry.  Are you having a nice time with your other mummy?”  I couldn’t stop my tears.  Zara gave me a tissue.
“No mummy, I don’t like it.  I want to come home now,” he demanded.  “That man smacks me,” he cried.
“Who, baby?  Who smacks you?”
“Him, mummy.  Him.”  He began to cough.  
Tina took the receiver over.  “Are you still there Jan?” she asked.
“Yes.  What does he mean, that man smacks him?  Why?  He’s only a baby,” I demanded to know.
“He only gets smacked when he’s naughty.  Farouk’s going to be his dad.  He’s got to have some control.”
“I’ll tell you Tina, if you were here now I’d smack you one.  How can you do this?  He’s in a strange country, with strange people and he doesn't speak their language.  He’s only a baby.  I hate your bloody guts.  You’re a bitch.”  Jim passed me a fag.
“Look, if you’re going to slag me off, I’ll not phone again,” she threatened.
“God, Tina, what the bloody hell do you want me to say?  Well done, isn’t your boyfriend great for beating my son?”
“No,” she shouted, “my son.”
“Well, you didn’t say that three years ago, did you?  So, go on.  What’s the point of the phone call?”
“Well, we are thinking of coming back to England, to live with my mum again,” she announced.
“What? For good?” I asked.
“Well, we’ve not decided yet, but I will phone you again and let you know.”
“Tina,” I shouted desperately down the phone.  “I can still hear Jamie crying for me.  Will you just give him a kiss off me, so I can hear him, and tell him I love him.  Please.”
I heard her tell him to shut up.  I presumed she kissed him.  I heard her say, “That’s off your other mummy, she loves you.  Now, shut it.”  To me she said, “I’ve got to go now, no more money.”  The phone went dead.  
I carried on sitting on my coffee table, looking out of the window.  I felt like I’d been hit by a bus.  I told the girls Jamie was okay and liked being with his other mummy.  That night when I put the girls to bed, they just couldn’t settle.  They kept crying for Jamie.  I felt helpless.  Eventually, they cried themselves to sleep.  I had a good talk with Jim.  He reckoned she was bluffing.
A couple of weeks passed and a knock came to the front door.  It was Tommy, Tina’s eldest brother.  “Can I come in Jan, please?”
“Yes Tom, I’ve no problem with you.  What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Tina’s phoned my mum up and told her she’s coming home.”  He sat down.
“When?”  Jim and I said it in unison.
“Soon, but I told my mum if she lets that cow in our house, I’m off.  No reflection on you Jan, but when she gave our Jamie away, I couldn’t believe it, but as time went on I could see he was better off with you and Jim, and then when she came and took him back, we all pleaded with her to leave him with you, but she wouldn’t.  He couldn’t have been loved any more than he was loved here.  I told Tina I will never speak to her again, and I won’t.  God knows how you all must feel, ‘cos I know how I feel with all this.  She’s a bitch, I hate her.”  He put his head in his hands.
“Tommy, thanks for calling round to tell us.  I don’t know what we’re going to do.”  I looked over at Jim.  “We can’t stay Jim; it’s not fair to the girls or us.”
Tommy looked up.  “If there’s anything I can do in any way, please ask me.  I’m going to stay over at my mate’s.”
“How long do you think it will be before she’s back then?” I asked.
“A couple of weeks.  Not more.”
“Do you want a brew?” Jim asked.
“No, you’re all right mate, I’ve just got to get round to my mate’s.  I’ll let you know if I hear anything.”
“Thanks Tom,” I said. “See ya.”
I couldn’t sleep that night.  How was I going to feel with Jamie being just a couple of doors down from me?  What about Jim and the girls?  They would want Jamie to come home.  They wouldn’t understand.  God, it was such a mess.
I phoned my eldest sister Beth the next day.  She lived on the same estate as us, but well over the other side.  “Hiya Beth.  It’s me, Jan.”
“Hello, what are you after?” she asked.  It wasn’t that we didn’t get on, it was we knew where each other was if ever we had a problem.  I explained to her what had happened.  “God, Jan,” she said, “that’s bloody ruthless.  What are you going to do?”  She waited for my reply.
“Well, I’ve rung the council and asked if they would give me another house.  They said they can’t, but if I can find someone to swap with us, it can go through straight away.  It’s called a mutual exchange.”
“Jan, we’ve lived here for years, the kids are all settled - but I must admit I do love your house.”
“Beth, listen.  Ask Len, tell him what’s happened.  If you say yes, I’ll leave all my curtains and carpets, my cooker.  Please Beth, I can’t stay here.  She might not come back but I need to be sorted if she does, for the girls’ and Jamie’s sake.”  I waited for an answer.
“Look, leave it with me.  Let me speak to Len and the kids, it’s not as if we’re moving far, is it?  I’m sure we’ll think of something.  I’ll phone you tonight.  Is that okay?”
“Oh, thanks Beth.  I’ll phone you, what, about seven?”
“Alright, see you later,” she said.
When Jim came home, I told him what I had asked Beth.  He agreed, but like me, he was sad.  We had just got new carpets and curtains right through, we’d only had our stove six months, but if Beth and Len would swap, it was worth it; but I had prepared myself for her to say no.  After all, it was a lot to ask, even from family.  I picked up the phone and dialled my sister.  “It’s me Beth.  Did you and Len have a chat?”
“Yes we did.  I also talked to the kids and we’ve all agreed. If you’re really sure about it, then we will do it.”
“Oh Beth, thanks.  I don’t know what to say.  Will you thank everyone for us?”
“Course I will, you just look after my carpets and curtains,” she joked, “and let me know if you do want to swap.  We’ll be ready.”
“Beth, you’re a star.  I love you,” I shouted down the phone.
“Go away, you daft cow,” she replied.  We both laughed.
I put the phone down.  Jim said, “She’s going to do it, isn’t she?”
“Yep,” I beamed.
“Well love, at least it’s something positive.  It’s like a new beginning,” he smiled.
The week went fast.  I don’t know why, but I was sorting stuff out around the house.  Nothing was positive yet, it was just a feeling I had.  And then the day I had dreaded came.  Tommy kept his word and came round.
“I’ve come to tell you she’s home with Jamie in two weeks.  She’s told us not to let you and Jim know.”
“Why?” I asked.
“I don’t bloody know, ‘cos it’s not going to stay a secret.  She’s going to get loads of crap off this estate, but then she deserves it.  What are you and Jim going to do?”  He looked worried.  He was a lovely person, hard to think Tina was his sister.
“We’re moving, Tom.”
“Where?”  He looked stunned.
“Just over the back of the estate.  I’ve asked my sister and she’s going to swap with us.”
“How long will that take though?”  He looked worried.  
“Not long.  We’ve just got to tell the council when we’re ready.”
“Well, I’ll be sorry to see you leave.  How do your girls feel about it?” he asked.
“They’re excited,” Jim said.  “There’s no way we’re ever going to settle if we stay here.  All we ask, Tom, is please don’t tell anyone.  We all need time.”
Tom agreed and wished us all well.  He was going to collect all his belongings from his mum’s.  Well, he had said he would leave.