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By flook123
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04 July 2007 |
A smile. I hope. Grain of truth?
BREAKING NEWS.......
........We are getting news of a Press Conference called by Police today at which they have revealed that they now have a breakthrough in their investigation of the failed bombings in London and Glasgow...........A dawn raid by officers of the Anti Terrorist Squad this morning arrested Mullah Ali Bin Overereforafreebie, a failed assylum seeker in this country illegally from Afghanistan. He was apprehended having attempted to purchase 5000 cannisters of Propane Gas from his local Garden Centre after receiving a letter from his Local Health Authority postponing his Hip Operation for the third time..........A grained VIDEO found at the adddress and probably made some time ago showed him in defiant pose and making the following statement.....
' BY THE SACRED SUPPOSITORY OF ALLAH, THE MOST SURGICAL! THE MOST STERILE! THE MOST STETHOSCOPIC! ALL INFIDEL QUACKS SHALL DIE!! GOVERNMENT OF SATAN!! YOU WHO ARE FOREVER TARGETING THE NHS!! SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN THE NHS TARGETS YOU!!!|
Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 4th July 2007 | As you are currently on a scriptwriter’s course, I hope that you won’t mind me pulling you up on a few of your writing errors.
This is a rather clumsy passage: “We are getting news of a Press Conference called by Police today at which they have revealed that they”
'At which they, that they'.
Would read better as: Where they revealed that a breakthrough has been made”
Assylum - should be Asylum.
Adddress- should be Address
Anti terrorist - should be antiterrorist or anti-terrorist.
As in:
(Official statement) Anti-terrorist operations latest - Metropolitan police
Officers from the Met's Anti-Terrorist Branch were granted warrants of further detention for 23 people arrested during the anti-terrorist operation which ...
For a first post it did raise a smile, but no more.
Best wishes
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Written by wltshr (314 comments posted) 5th July 2007 | Hi Flook
Nice to see something from you after a year as a member.
Gently amusing.
"..........A grained VIDEO" was an odd thing to say. "A grainy video recording" might make more sense! Couldn't work out why it was grained. Nor could I work out why VIDEO was in caps. Have I missed something?
Generally okay as a first try. Let's see some more!
Regards
Wltshr |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 11th July 2007 | I always thougth this "all for the Glory of Allah" stuff was a bit of a smoke screen. I think there is probably more than a grain of truth in. Nice concept but a bit short. I think you could have done more with it.
cheers
Jane |
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