Moving day finally came.  The children were excited, Jim was outside trying to catch the dog and then he was going to pick up a van he had hired.  He had to move my sister’s stuff as well as ours, so we were all tired.  We had been up since five, and now everything was ready to go on the van.
The van arrived.  Jim had been and got a load from Beth’s, so we had to put her things in the kitchen.  It was the only room empty.  The children were running in and out, putting their individual bits on the van.  They were being more of a hindrance than a help.  The last load eventually went on the van.  Jim came and told us all to squash in.  He said Beth and her family were walking round.  He’d given them his key, so I left mine on the windowsill.
As we arrived at Beth’s, it felt strange.  The girls ran upstairs to pick their rooms.  I made my way to the kitchen to brew up.  We soon had everything unloaded.  I went into the living room to ask who wanted a brew.  It was a long room and Len had put a partition up, so as to make a dining room.  I leaned on it.  Suddenly it all began to fall.  Jim came running in. “What the bloody hell are you doing, Jan?” he shouted.
“It’s not my fault.  I put my hand against it and it’s all fell over.”
Jim peeled some of the wallpaper off it and started laughing.  “What’s so bloody funny?” I asked.
“Len’s DIY,” he said.  “It’s only hardboard and he’s sellotaped it together.”  Tears were rolling down his face as he rolled on the floor, holding his stomach.  I stared for a minute and started to laugh myself, it was so unbelievable.  “Did you want a through lounge?  You’ve got one now,” Jim said.  I chucked a cardboard box at his head and still laughing, went in to finish the brews.
We managed to get the beds up for the night, and I sorted the kitchen out while Jim got rid of the partition.  Actually, without it, the room looked massive.
I went to the loo, flushed the chain, was washing my hands at the sink, when suddenly my feet felt wet.  I looked down.  There was water pouring out of the toilet pan.  “Jim.  Jim.  Quick,” I shouted.
“Oh for God’s sake, what now?”  He came running up the stairs.  “What the hell have you done now?”
“Hey, hang on a minute.  I only had a wee, pulled the chain and got a bloody shower,” I said in my defence.
“You’re a bloody walking disaster,” he said, bending down and looking at the loo.  “There’s your problem.”
“Where?”  I bent down to see.
“There,” he pointed.  “The bloody bowl’s cracked.”
“Oh, great,” I said, sitting on the edge of the bath.  I always assumed Jim could mend anything, because usually he could.
“I can’t do anything now, except turn the water off.”
“I need the water, you wally,” I shouted.
“I’ll give us enough till tomorrow, if you let me finish.  Then I’ll nip and get a second-hand toilet and put it in, but that’s if I can find one.”
“I’m not having a bloody second-hand toilet; we don’t know who’s used it.”
“Jan, for God’s sake, you can bleach it.  I know you will anyway, or do you want to keep this contraption?”  I could see Jim was tired and getting ready to lose it.
“Okay love, I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do,” I said.
“Good,” he sighed with relief.
“Jim,” I said, “will you do me a favour?”  He looked at me.  “Will you try and get our toilet off someone that’s had a posh house?  Please, darling?”
“I don’t believe you, Jan.  You actually want me to ask them at the scrap yard where a bloody toilet came from?”  I smiled at him.  “No wonder they call you ‘Lady Muck.’”  We both laughed.  We were both knackered, so when we got in bed, neither of us needed any rocking.
It felt strange when I got up the next day.  The house was such a mess.  It needed decorating desperately.  The carpets and curtains were gross.  Nothing matched, but Beth wasn’t like me.  I’m very meticulous, she’s dead easy going.  Well, she swapped houses, didn’t she?  Jim went and got a toilet, it cost three quid.  Then he had to go and get some different fittings.  I was busy putting clothes and stuff away.  I hadn’t even looked at the gardens.  I opened the back door.  It was like a jungle, there was all sorts of rubbish.  They certainly weren’t gardeners, but then I like a challenge and by God, I got one.
A week had passed.  We had settled in a bit.  Jim and I went and got some wallpaper and paint for the living room.  I couldn’t get it done fast enough.  The girls were good, they spent a lot of time playing in the bedrooms.  Still, I guess that it was a novelty, so it kept them out of our way while we did other things.  I was cleaning the living room windows when I saw Tommy coming down the street.  He looked at me as he came to the front door.  “Hiya.  Come in, it’s open,” I mouthed through the glass.
“I always seem to be the one with bad news,” he said.
I got down from the window.  “Here, have a fag.”  I shoved it in his hand.
“She’s back, Jan.  She landed last night.”
“Oh God.  How’s Jamie?  Is he okay?  Does he look all right?”
“Yeh, he’s fine.  He’s not as clean as when he was with you,” he flicked his fag, “and I think he could do with a little weight on.”  Jim fetched us all a cuppa.  “She turned up at twelve-thirty last night, so I had to stay, but I’m off now.  I’ve been living at my mate’s on and off, as you know.”
“Is that Farouk with her?” I asked.
“No, she’s on her own.  Says she’s finished with him ‘cos he changed his mind about Jamie.”
“Why?” Jim asked.
“Don’t know, but I’ll tell you both this.  Jamie hasn’t forgotten you.  He asked could he go and see mummy and daddy when he got up.”
“What did she say?” I asked.
“She said she didn’t know where you were, you’ve moved.  But Jan, even if you were still there, she wouldn’t let him near you two.”
I puffed on my fag.  “I know, Tommy.  That’s what hurts us so much.”  Jim didn’t say a word.  We all just sat looking at each other.  Suddenly, Tommy broke the silence.
“You’ve got it nice in here, are you going to give us a tour?”  He looked at Jim.
Jim stood.  “Come on then, I’ll show you upstairs first.”  I got the feeling Tommy wanted to see Jim on his own, so I left them to it.  They were upstairs for a while.  Well, you can tell, I’d done the back windows and cleared the cups away before I heard them coming downstairs.  I could hear Tommy saying, “They’re alright.  They’re not the same layout as our house.  The rooms seem bigger.”
Jim replied, “That’s because they built these houses at a later date.  Mind you, I’d sooner have this one for the shape, and the gardens are a better layout.”  They sounded like a pair of old women.
Tommy popped his head round the living room door.  “Got to go now, Jan.  Is it all right if I bob in when I’m passing?”
“Course you can, any time.  You will let me know how things develop, won’t you Tommy?”
Tommy looked straight at me.  “You know I will.  As far as I’m concerned, you’re Jamie’s mum and dad, not her.  I’ll see you Jan.”  With that, he was gone.
The girls came in.  They’d been playing in next-door’s garden.  “Mummy, can we go to the park?” Zara asked, jumping up and down.
“No love, not today.  I’ve got too much to do,” I said.
“But Susan’s mummy said she can go all by herself.  It’s only round the corner.  Pleeease,” she begged.
“No Zara, you’re too young to go on your own.  Go and play in the garden and I’ll take you tomorrow with daddy.”
She kicked my chair, pushed Janette onto her bum.  “It’s not fair,” she cried.
“Right,” I shouted.  “I’ll count to ten.  If you are not gone in the garden by the time I finish, you’ll go to bed.”  
She grabbed Janette’s hand, wiped her nose on her sleeve and went back next-door.  I looked through the back window to check.  I heard her saying, “It’s okay Susan, you can come with us tomorrow.  We’re having a picnic.”  News to me!!
A few weeks passed and the schools had broken up.  It was hard keeping the girls occupied.  They often asked about Jamie, but who knows what goes on in a child’s mind.  They seemed to cope with it better than me and Jim.
We’d managed to straighten the gardens up a bit, you know, mowed it and shifted the rubbish.  It was a lovely day.  The sun was out.  I’d done a bit of sunbathing in the back garden.  The kids were playing in their paddling pool, but were getting bored.  “What can we play now mummy?” Zara asked.
I was fast running out of ideas.  "I know; how do you fancy camping?"
Their little faces lit up.  “Where mummy, where?”
“Daddy had a tent given him.  Shall I put it up for you?” I asked.
“Yes please,” they cried.
“Right.”  I got to my feet.  “I'll put the tent up and I'll make you some butties, pop, crisps and stuff, and you can have your teas in the tent.”  That should give me and Jim a bit more peace, I thought.
The children were good.  I was trying to erect this tent and I wasn't doing too bad to say I'd never done it before.  Trouble was there were no pegs, so I got bits of wood and found a brick.  I was using the brick like a hammer to hit the wood into the ground.  The girls kept trying to sit inside the tent.  “Look, you two.  Come out till I've done.  It won't be long now.”
Suddenly Janette shouted, “Auntie Becky, Auntie Becky.”  I looked up and there was one of my friends, Becky, with two of my sisters.
“Hiya, this is a surprise.”  I carried on hitting the wood in the ground with the brick.
“What on earth are you doing?” asked Caroline, my sister.
"What does it look like?  The kids want to go camping, so I'm putting this up."  They all seemed to be leaning against the wall.  "Well, don't just stand there.  Come and help me, then I'll do us all a cuppa," I said.
Caroline kept shoving Becky.  "Tell her."
"No, you tell her."
"Tell me what?" I asked.
Jane, my other sister said, "I'll make the brew, you two tell her."  She went inside.
I carried on struggling to pitch the tent.  "For God's sake, you tell me Becky," I demanded.
"You'll hit me Jan," she said nervously.
"I won't.  Just tell me.  Please, Becky."
"Right.  You know Jamie?"
I carried on hitting the peg with the brick.  "Yeh," I said.
"Well, he's had an accident."
"Just bloody say it, Becky," Caroline said, walking inside to join Jane.
"Jan, I'm so sorry."  She paused.  I could hear her voice trembling.  I didn't look at her, I didn't dare.  "He's been killed."  She began to cry.  I carried on hitting the wood with the brick.  It was like she wasn't talking to me.  "Did you hear me Jan?  Jamie's dead!"
She began to walk over to me.  I banged the brick on the wood.  The brick broke in half.  "No, Becky, it's not my Jamie.  You've probably got it mixed up," I said.
She came nearer and bent down.  We were both looking into each other's eyes.  Everything was blurry through my tears, my body felt numb and I was shivering. I felt like I'd gone deaf.  I couldn't hear another sound, just Becky's voice.  I could hear this woman screaming at the top of her voice.  It was me, and yet I never made a sound.
"I read it in the paper this dinner time.  I went round to see your mum.  She said you didn't know.  She's too afraid to come and tell you, so she sent us round."
I could hear her.  I remember, my head was going from side to side in disbelief.  "How?  Why?  It can't be Jamie, he's only a baby," I cried.
"Come on Jan."  Becky helped me up and took me inside.  Caroline pulled a chair out for me to sit down.  Jane put a cup of tea in my hands.  It didn't feel real. I still could only hear Becky.  "Give her a fag," she demanded.  Caroline sent the girls outside to sit in the tent with some sweets they had brought.
"Are you sure it's my Jamie?" I whispered.
"Yes, it's Jamie."  Becky took hold of my hand.
"Why?"  I began to cry.  "Why?  How did he die?"
"He was playing out the front and a wagon hit him," Becky broke down.
"What the bloody hell was he doing playing out on the front?" I demanded to know.
"Tina's been letting him play out since they came back."
I broke down.  "It's all my fault.  I should never have given him back.  I killed him; me," I cried.
My sisters put their arms around me and tried to convince me it wasn't my fault, but I didn't believe them.
"Has anyone phoned Jim?" Becky asked.  Caroline shook her head.  "I'll do it."  Becky picked the phone up.
"Don't tell him over the phone," I shouted.  "Tell him to come home straight away."
"Hiya Jim, it's Becky.  I'm fine.  Listen, something's happened and Jan wants you to come home now.  No, the girls are fine.  Please Jim, come home now.  I'll tell you when you get here.  Drive carefully."  She put the phone down.
"Becky, pass me the directory," I said.
"Why, what you gonna do?" she asked.
"I'm going to get in touch with that bitch.  I'll kill her with my bare hands."  I was shaking.
"She won't come Jan," Caroline said.
"Well, I'll go to her then."  I began to jot down the number of the neighbour who lived near her.  "If I phone up and ask her to take a message round, then she'll have to get in touch with me."  The neighbour was in.  I asked her to pass my phone number on and to tell Tina to phone me straight away.  Jim's car pulled up.  "Oh God, Jim's here," I cried.
"Do you want me to tell him?" asked Becky.
"No, I'll do it."
Jim came running in.  "What's up?  Where's the kids?"  He looked at me.
"They're fine, love.  They're in the back garden," I said.
"Jan, what's up?  Why are you crying?"
I began to sob uncontrollably.  "It's Jamie."
"What's up with him, love?  Tell me."  He held my arms.  "Come on Jan, please."
"He's dead," I said.
I felt his hands fall away from me as they dropped to his sides.  He was covered in oil, but I could still see he had gone white with the shock.  Jane fetched yet more teas in.
"How?" he asked, tears in his eyes.
"He got knocked down while he was playing out."
He flopped into the chair.  "If we still had him, he'd still be here," he cried.  "We never let him play out on the street.  He always played in the garden, with the girls.  That's why I fenced it all off.  Do the girls know?" he asked.
"No," said Becky.
"Well, we don't want them to know yet," he said.  "We'll tell them later."
Just then, a knock came on the door.  Caroline answered it.  "There's someone called Tommy wants to see you both," she said.
"Let him in."  I stood up.  Tommy walked in.  He came over to me, put his arms around me.  We both cried on each other's shoulders.
He sat down.  "I got your message."
"I didn't send it for you.  It was for her," I said angrily.
"I know, Jan.  She was frightened to death, so she's asked me to come and tell you and Jim what happened."  He took his hanky out of his pocket and blew his nose.  Yet again, more cups of tea appeared.  He coughed to clear his throat and began twisting his hanky round his fingers.
"When did it happen?" Jim asked.
"Last night.  He was playing on the front, like usual, and one of the blokes that lives up the road was backing his lorry up."  He took a gulp of his tea.  "Tina looked out of the window and Jamie was sitting on the edge of the pavement.  She saw the man had his door open and was looking to the back of his lorry.  She went out and she heard him asking one of the neighbours if he'd hit him.  She said she didn't think so."  At this point, Tommy was telling myself and Jim that he wasn't there; that if he had've been, he would've been watching Jamie, and you know, I did believe him.  He began to cry again.  I offered my fags round.  Jim and me hadn't stopped crying.  He carried on.  "Tina went over to Jamie.  She said he didn't seem hurt, just winded."
"So what did she do?" I asked.
"She thought he had knocked him very slightly, just enough to push him on his bottom and wind him, so she stood him up and walked him up and down."
"For God's sake," I cried, "didn't she ring an ambulance?"
"No, not at that point, but after a couple of walks up and down, he started to go grey in colour." He paused.
I broke down again.  Jim came and sat by me and held my hand tightly.  "Carry on," he said.
"She sent someone to go and get me mam from the pub."
"But that's ten minutes away," I sobbed.
"I know," he replied.  "In the meantime, Jamie had collapsed."  He swigged his tea.
"Was he conscious?" I asked.
 "Yes, all the time," he replied.  "Mum ran all the way back.  When she saw him, she asked Tina if she had phoned an ambulance, but she hadn't, so she sent someone to do that straight away.  It was there in minutes," he tried to reassure us.  I could hear Jim breathing very heavily, trying to keep his composure.  "They kept the siren on all the way."  He began to cry.
"What happened then?"  I took a deep breath.
"They rushed him straight in.  They had to stabilise him before they could see what internal injuries he had.  They were waiting to take him down to the theatre.  They knew he had a punctured lung."
"Oh, Jesus Christ," I cried.  "She probably made it worse by walking him.  Why did she do that? Why?" I demanded to know.
Tommy shook his head.  "I don't know Jan, I don't know.  Our Tina was sat
with him, but before they could stabilise him, he died."  He buried his head into his hands and began to cry.  "I'm so sorry.  She should never have taken him away from you.  Never," he cried.
Jim got up and went out into the garden to the girls.  My sisters and Becky were just sat in disbelief.  Jim came back and asked Caroline if she would take the girls to my mum's and we would pick them up later.  She agreed.  We told them not to tell the children; we would, later.  After they went, it was very quiet.  I emptied the ashtrays.  They were overflowing.  I had heartburn, I'd drank that much tea.  Tommy didn't want to go home and asked if he could stay for awhile.  We agreed.  None of us had anything to eat; that was the last thing we wanted.
The phone rang.  I was my mum, to see if we were all right and to let me know she had fed the girls.  She offered to keep them overnight, which was a big help to us.  We said we would pick them up the next day.  Tommy didn't want to go back, but he knew he had to.  He told us Tina said she would let us know the arrangements about seeing Jamie, and the funeral, and to say how sorry she was.  Well, sorry won't bring him back, I thought.  We agreed to wait to hear from Tommy.  Jim went outside, messing with the car and I just walked round the house, cleaning and crying.  Neither of us were busy really, but we didn't know what to say to each other.
The phone rang.  It was Tommy.  "Hi Jan. it's only me, love."
"Hi Tom.  Who's the funeral directors, when's the funeral and what's she doing?" I asked.
"That's why I'm phoning.  If you want, you can go and see Jamie tonight.  I'll come and pick you up and stay with you both."  He waited for my answer.
"I'd like to see him.  I'm sure Jim will take us, if you tell me where and what's the best time," I replied.
"Well, any time after six.  You just ring the bell when you get there and they'll let you in.  Tina's going later.  She's told me to tell you, you're welcome to go any time.  She feels really bad.  She's crying, saying she should've left him with you and Jim, because he would most likely still be here."  He went quiet.  
I couldn't help but get another dig in at her.  "You're bloody right, she should've left him with us. She didn’t though, did she?  She's killed him.  No-one else.  Her.  I'll never, ever forgive her, Tommy."  I began to cry.
"Jan, I wish I could turn time back, but I can't.  I hate her too - and she's my sister.  No one in the house is speaking to her.  She won't go to the shops because she gets slagged off.  Now she has to pay the price."
"I've got to see her yet.  God knows how we're going to be, together.  Anyway Tom, I've got a pen and paper.  Give me the details."
I wrote everything down and arranged to go and see Jamie at seven that night with Jim…also to go round to Tina's house to sort out funeral arrangements.  Jim came in.  I explained everything to him and he said he would take us.
An hour before we went, I was running round looking for a little gold cross and chain I had for Jamie.  I felt sick.  This wasn't the way it was supposed to be; I didn't think the next time I saw my little boy, he would be in a coffin.  I came across a teddy bear I had kept, along with Jamie's red jacket.  They were all I had left of him, plus his medical card.  I picked the teddy up and left his jacket on my bed.  I needed to keep something of his and besides, you could still smell him on that jacket.
As I walked downstairs I shouted to Jim, "I can't find that cross and chain."
Jim shouted back, "Have you looked in the bedroom?"
I walked into the living room.  "I've looked all over."  I sat down and began to cry.  "I'm not going without it, I've got to give it to him.  I need him to rest in peace.  Oh Jim, what am I going to do?"
Jim went looking all over the house.  I was just sat staring into space, wondering what Jamie would look like.  Was he with God?  Was there really such a place as heaven?  Why did he have to die?  I was suddenly jolted back to reality by Jim nudging me.  "Jan, I've looked all over.  I can't find it.  Have you put it in your bag?"
"No," I snapped.  "Don't you think I would remember if I did?"
He smiled nervously.  "Well, just have a look, eh?"
I rooted in my bag.  I was shaking.  I had so much rubbish in there from the girls.  I'd been meaning to clear it out for ages.  "Oh shit!"  I tipped my bag up and everything fell on the floor.
Jim bent down.  "Here, I told you you had it.  Right, put that lot back and we'll get off.   I'll go and start the car up."  He kissed my cheek and went out.
The house was silent and empty.  I could hear the clock on the wall ticking.  I'd never noticed it before.  We'd had it for years.  It's funny how you notice different things when you're vulnerable and sensitive.  I checked everywhere was locked up and went out to the car.
We didn't speak for about ten minutes.  I remember swallowing a lot and feeling sick.  Jim's hand touched mine.  "Are you all right love?" he asked.  "We're nearly there."
I shook my head and gestured no.  "I feel sick Jim."  My knees were shaking and I felt cold.
"Just remember I'm here.  We'll do this together.  You'll be all right."
If I was feeling like this, what must Jim be feeling?  He had stayed strong for my sake and I knew that, but I could still see his pain.  He started to drive the car onto a driveway.  I could see all the blacked out windows with gold edgings, and a purple coloured sort of shop front.  He stopped the engine and we sat for a minute in silence, then he came round and opened the car door for me.  He reached in and gently took my hand.
"Come on love," he said.  I could hear the nervousness in his voice.
I slowly got out of the car.  "I'm scared Jim," I said, grabbing his hand tightly.
"I know love, so am I."  I pressed my lips together tightly and forced a smile of reassurance.  We reached the door, but I remembered I had left Jamie's teddy in the car.  "I'll get it, you wait here," Jim said.  It was as if any excuse would do for him not to have to go in.
"Wait Jim," I shouted.  "I'll come with you."  I found myself at his side.  He reached into the car for the teddy.
"Right, let's go in," He said, grabbing my hand.
We opened the door. It was so quiet and the air smelt strange.  Sort of air freshener, with an undertone of embalming fluid.  It had very deep pile purple carpets and highly polished chairs, with cushions the same purple as the carpets.  There was a beautiful old oak, highly polished desk that you could tell had been handed from generation to generation.  After all, it was a family business.  
"You can sit over here, by us," a voice said.
I turned my head quickly to see who had spoken.  It was Tina.  I could feel a rage inside me like I had never felt before.  Jim quickly answered, "You're all right, we'll sit here."  We sat down opposite them.