At last. The police are involved.
In the tiny office the paper in one corner stood four feet off the floor. Either that or there was a completely hidden desk somewhere underneath. Behind the pile a fairly dapper looking chap, Davis was his name, sat in a dark blue suit, white shirt and stripey tie. His neatly clippered grey/brown thinning hair and his overall demeanour suggested white, or fairly white, Y-fronts rather than boxer shorts. All in all a Detective Inspector of the old school. On the opposite side of the room sat a younger detective sergeant, his desk, clear and tidy. The senior man spoke:
“Well, Cartwright. What have we got so far?”
“Sir?”
“Let’s go through the list. Give me your thoughts. Identification?”
“Well sir. No idea really.”
“Just think it through. I asked for a bright sergeant! I thought you went to University? What did you do? Media Studies? Sociology? Something easy, or something useful? Go through the list on the whiteboard!”
“Sorry sir. I’ve never really worked on anything like this before”
“Listen, Davis. You might learn something; and be useful after all. He broke her jaw post mortem. Why did he do that?”
“I don’t know, sir.”
“Because he’s a clever bastard that’s why. We don’t have her fingerprints on record, she’s never been tested for DNA, and she’s not exactly recognisable is she? Smashing her jaw makes identifying her by dental records a bit more difficult don’t you think? He’s a bright boy! Not too much of a gamble on fingerprints and DNA. He really thought this one through? Either a very cool customer, he reads cheap novels, or he had help.”
Sergeant Cartwright looked up at the whiteboard. “Time of death?” he asked.
“Don’t know yet. Sticking her in a freezer didn’t help,” bemoaned Davis. “We know that she was frozen for a time - but how long? We don’t know yet. All we know is that she arrived at the dump sometime between yesterday morning and last Tuesday. Sometime between the last collection and the next one. How bloody useful is that? The chap in charge of that place has the brains of an apple and the memory of a goldfish.”
“Missing persons? “
“ There are 50,000 plus each year in London alone. Late twenties, early thirties – say 5,000. Last 2 weeks, say 200. And if she’s from Essex? Or Hertfordshire? Or Kent? Or bloody Timbuktoo? Since the details hit the ‘papers the bloody missing persons count has gone up tenfold. Everybody who has lost someone between the ages of twenty and thirty has been on the phone re-reporting their missing relative for the past two days. Some of them going back to 1965! We found a dead girl not a woolly mammoth!”
“Trace evidence?”
“No semen! He soaked her in a bath, gave her a thorough scrubbing, inside and out, then dried her off, before he stuck her in the freezer. The only trace we’ve got is what you’d expect from a fluffy white cotton towel; together with two peas, a carrot, and three bits of sweet corn.”
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Written by Lizzy (783 comments posted) 5th July 2007 | Thank you!
Really like this. The police seeming quite inept next to the 'thought' that seems to have gone into the killer's planning.
I think this is a good ploy leaving the thoughts of the killer and concentrating on the ineptitudes of the police.
Liked 'I asked for a bright sergeant! I thought you went to University? What did you do? Media Studies? Sociology?'
Who is going to succeed villain or law enforcement, hope its villain. Can't wait to find out.
Lizzy
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Written by stevetroster (1486 comments posted) 7th July 2007 | Hello wilts.
Sorry that this review has been long in coming, but part 8 (as with part 4) wasn’t as straight forward and easy to review as most of the others.
I thought I might do a bit of a critique for a change, returning a favour if you like.
I feel that when you are writing from the first person perspective of the killer, that you’re 99% there. However, when you’ve switched characters and P.O.V. you seem to lose your flow and direction somewhat.
Pedantries first.
SP: Stripey - stripy
Clippered? I’m not certain that you can say clippered, it would be like saying scissored. They are both cutting implements, one cuts and the other clips, so clipped would probably be your best word to use.
You lead off with ‘tiny office’ - which formed an impression in my mind that was overturned by a desk being in one corner facing another desk on the opposite side of the room. The office grew in my mind a tad from its tiny origins.
D.I. Davis is referred to as being old school, so I could not imagine him wearing anything other than perfectly white, clean underwear, so the ‘almost white’ gag seemed a bit old school playground to me.
Then there is the part where Davis asks Cartwright -“Identification?”- and then goes on to explain to Cartwright why there isn’t any easy way to identify the remains.
D.I. Davis; a man who no-doubt got where he is by being a good detective, without anything to go on immediately jumps to the conclusion that the killer is a he.
I did find that a lot of the conversation was jerky and one-sided. One sided is okay, the D.I. should lead the conversation, but I had to stop a lot of the time and think about why certain things had been said.
I have taken the liberty of reworking the first half of this diary edition. I’m not suggesting that my version/edit is better than yours, but it might help you see things from a slightly different angle.
******************************************
In the corner of a small office at the Seven Sisters police station is an enormous pile of paperwork. It covers a desk behind which sits a rather dapper looking chap called Davis; or to give him his full title - Detective Inspector Davis. He is dressed in a dark blue suit, white shirt and a striped tie, and sports a head of neatly clipped brown hair; albeit slightly greying brown hair which D.I. Davis likes to believe actually gives him a look of suave sophistication rather than suggesting the onset of the latter years of middle-age. On many an occasion Detective Inspector Davis has been known to refer to himself as the Desmond Lynam of the Met’ - having dropped his original choice of ‘The Dickie Davis of the Met’ when several of the uniformed officers had started referring to him as ‘Dickhead Davis’.
On the opposite side of the room sits a young Detective Sergeant. By contrast his desk is completely clear.
“Well, Cartwright,” says D.I. Davis, addressing the young D.S., “what have we got so far?”
“Sir?”
“Let’s go over it again and you can give me your thoughts”.
“Thoughts, Sir?”
“Thoughts, Cartwright, ideas, considered opinions. I thought you went to University? What did you master in? Media Studies? Sociology? Some easy-ology no doubt!! Go through the list on the whiteboard.”
“Sorry, Sir, but I’ve never really worked on anything like this before”
“What!! A whiteboard?”
“No, Sir, the case.”
“Oh! Yes of course. Yes, it’s a nasty business for sure. Okay, listen up, Davis, and you might learn something. He broke her jaw post mortem, why do you think he did that?”
“I don’t know, Sir.”
“Because the killer is a clever bastard that’s why.”
“Clever, Sir?”
“Look, the victim’s fingerprints aren’t on record and she’s never been DNA tested, so she’s not easily traceable, is she?”
“But the killer wasn’t to know that, was he?”
“What makes you think that the killer is a he?”
The D.S. offers a vacant look to the Detective Inspector.
“Look,” continues the D.I., “he or she is playing the law of averages and covering their arse at the same time.”
“Sir?”
Inspector Davis shakes his head. “Think, Sergeant, think. Smashing the jaw makes identifying the body even more difficult, don’t you think?”
“Sir?”
“Dental records, Sergeant. Not only is the body in pieces, but so are her teeth!! The poor cow is like a bloody jigsaw puzzle!! The forensic boys are rebuilding the jaw to try and get a cast, meantime the clock’s ticking and we’re getting nowhere fast!!”
***********************************
Best wishes,
Steve.
| Another great one =]
Written by Dark_Angel (53 comments posted) 22nd September 2007 | I really liked this one. It was different, but still understandable and easily tied into the story.
[Not a good reviewer]
Just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed this chapter as well as the others  |
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