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Shorts
Attack of The Killer Packmen 2
By Superbox
06 July 2007


Hello,my name is Liam,and I introduced myself in my diary a few days ago.
Today is the games bonanza at cut price electricals,and yes,like any game fanatic I am going.

I run down the stairs and then twirl of the banistair with the poise of a highly skilled ballet dancer.I snatch the keys from the jaw of my cloakroom drawer and I'm ready.

Games bonanza is like feeding time at the zoo,every single animal wanting to get a slice of the amazing futuristic graphics and a big helping of some state of the art gaming technology.I felt like a mouse trying to weave through all the feet and bodily figures that stood in my way,but I reached those big dark doors in the end.

I read the sign,the neon sign that could dazzle the light of the lord with its eyes closed.

"Cut Price Electrics" I read out loud.For a company so amazing it certainly deserved my way of free advertising.Of course I was a regular,and as soon as I stepped through the door I recieved a warm welcome,Cut Price wasn't any ordinary high street shop where the salesman would put on a plastic smile and make a pathetic attempt to sell you a duff console,they cared.

"Liam,welcome,we have bargains galore for you today,come and see what is on offer."

It was like I was a king,and this was my state of the art palace where I would be waited on  hand and foot.I went into the back room to see what treasures my explorers had brought back from gaming lands afar.I was gobsmacked at what I saw.

"What the hell is that? Is that an inflattable packman suite,I've been waiting for that!"

It felt as if my nerves were doing the olympic games.Running everywhere nothing could stop them,jumping over what may be classed as impossible barriers.But the staff remained silent.

"Packman suite,right.Come on,it must be a suite?!"

Then I here a grinding from somewhere behing my dream buy.The dream that had turned into a nightmare.


Reviews

Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 6th July 2007
Is this coming in bits? 
Why is it being written in the author's comments box? 
Has he bought a suite of furniture instead of a suit? 
I am intrigued - keep it coming.

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 6th July 2007
I'm really sorry Superbox, but I see little merit in this. Badly written: grammar, typos and spelling - unclear - and as far as I can tell so far - aimless. I wonder how old you are? 
 
Phil.

Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 6th July 2007
Well. The first part of this certainly made every word count, but I am a little lost here. This seems like a Disney cartoon, visually somewhere between Toy Story and Edward Scissor Hands. 
 
It does sound like you are quite a young writer, so I would compliment you on being brave enough (if that is so) to actually post. Despite the number of typo's. 
 
I liked the image of the weaving mouse but have to admit this is problematic because it doesn't really do anything other that take us to the store. If this is some sort of Donnie Darko dream type thingy, likewise, not enough info to make the reader click on part 3 other than curiosity. 
 
Keep typing. Hopefully next time there will be more of the story. 
 
PS
Written by johniebg (553 comments posted) 6th July 2007
You posted the story in the authors notes section. 
 
Not an offense that will get you thrown in jail or anything but the authors notes bit can be used to 'stage' the essay. The actual area you post is just below. 
 
Enjoy.

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