Great Writing - Home > Poetry > Dependent (Life Sentence 1)
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1833 guests online and 4 members online
Poetry
Dependent (Life Sentence 1)
By gwyddyn
08 July 2007

The first of three poems with the collective theme 'Life Sentence', Dependent is based on my experiences of my ex-wife's Manic Depression. Lithium is used to control the condition but it tends to leave the patient listless and unemotional. Helen, my ex, would often stop her medication just to experience the manic/depressive cycle, she said she at least felt alive for a short while!!!

Yes, I have borrowed from Walt Whitman for the opening line - the lithium was Helen's commanding officer!

Snuffkin was our cat Laughing


Dependent


O Lithium! My Lithium! Such a bitter pill.

Guardian of my sanity; Keeper of the Gate!


I reject you.


I roam the Plains of Mania,

entranced by the majesty of the unreal.

Time floats by on a zephyr; its meaning lost'

its demands upon me irrelevant.

My mind is free, soaring on the wings of my psychosis,

unbridled by obscene reality.

People, gibbering wraiths, fade away

Insignificant now, unable to comprehend

my world.

My world, my utopia, my realm.

I am a god.

I baptise thee, pussycat.

Arise Brother Snuffkin - holy cat - defend the Tea Pot of Power.

Hold true to the Faith.

The usurpers come to claim me for their own.

Dressed in white, they bring false gifts:

a ‘there, there, there';

and a pill, a pill.




I exist in the Darkness.

Condemned to the depths;

the rank labyrinth of Depressions reign.

Weary beyond weary, I strive to rise,

to lift this pathetic consciousness from its cranial tomb.

Muted echoes of speech assault me,

Pounding on the walls of my confinement.

They are mistaken, I am not worthy of rescue.

I am nothing.

Time crushes me in its passing.

My body is fed, watered: What do I care?

Voices on my head, insistent, piercing, puncture the gloom.

Black fades to grey.

I breathe, I am reborn.

The saviours come to claim me for myself.

Dressed in white, bearing false hope:

a ‘there, there, there';

and a pill, always a pill.



Guardian of my sanity; Keeper of the Gate!

O Lithium! My Lithium! Such a sweet pill.




Reviews

Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 8th July 2007
Brrr! You've been in very close contact with all this! Interesting exposition of the states of a mind. I like the structure showing the two poles of the emotional range and the vitality vs nullity of the medicated vs non medicated states. 
 
Personally I'd lose the two pussycat lines (which induce hysteria in me, but don't worry, i'm daft like that) - that would add power to the "I am a god" line by following it immediately with "hold true to the faith". Also, "Black fades to grey." confused me - I wonder if "warms" might be a more informative verb here - or something else, that indicates a return to something like life.  
 
I won't say "enjoyed", but rather "appreciated".

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 8th July 2007
Family experience makes this is a powerful piece for me. Like FP, I liked the two separate halves and their apparent contrasts. I'm also a little unsure about the references to the cat, they introduce the bizarre. However, as a personal piece, they may be important to the experience. 
 
Phil.
Thanks ...
Written by gwyddyn (28 comments posted) 8th July 2007
for the feedback. Much appreciated.  
 
Black warms to grey. Hmmm! I think I like that.  
 
Can see how the cat thing sounds strange. Actual occurrence - she once 'baptised' our moggie with milk - if you think it's weird to read you should have been there :grin  
 
I suppose being so close to the situation, one can lose appreciation of just how 'off the wall' or unrelated these things can seem to others.  
 
Things to ponder. Thanks again.
hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 8th July 2007
i think this is a very good write, taking me to places i have never been. 
 
i agree with the suggestions from fp and phil. 
bernie
Life Sentence
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 9th July 2007
Yes, the mind is as vulnerable as the body, but people can understand it when they see someone with a broken leg, but with a broken mind, it is difficult to define. you have done a good job. I go along with what Fellpony said about the pussycat lines. I think you poem would make more impact if you were to to change to single line spacing, and break it up into clearly defined verses. It is easy to see where they could be split. I think you have made a good job of trying to put the reader into the writer's mind, if only for a moment, thank goodness.

Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 9th July 2007
This piece really took hold of me - very powerful. And I actually found the pussycat lines quite effective. 
 
Great writing. 
 
Best wishes, 
 
E :) 
 
 
 
 
 
Another great poem
Written by Superbox (5 comments posted) 13th July 2007
Packed full of emotion and feeling.Written from the heart.My dad works with mentally ill people,I can see why he doesn't talk about this kind of stuff.You are so brave. 
 
I also love the way you have pieced the whole poem together,a great style of structuring.Sometimes hard to follow,but that isn't that important. :)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item