THE STAGE IS LIT AND SET AS FOR A TV STUDIO. THE INTERVIEWER IS SEATED AND WHEN THE CURTAIN OPENS ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE.

INTERVIEWER: Good evening and welcome to this the first in a series of interviews with people who are somewhat different. Despite being the son of an Anglican Bishop, or maybe because of that fact it has long been my contention that God does not exist. So it was quite a shock when my producer summoned me to a meeting and told me I was to interview the main man himself. At first my reaction was to shy away and refuse. Who am I to interview God I asked myself; but then I thought perhaps I wasn't such a bad choice after all. If nothing else I could always thank him for the abundance of talent, which he chose to bestow on me. Not to mention my modesty and humility. So, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the being you're about to see the one and only God Almighty? You'll have to judge for yourself but I know what I think. Ladies and Gentlemen will you please welcome the creator of all life - God Almighty.

THE WALK DOWN MUSIC PLAYS: THIS IS 'JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR'.
GOD ENTERS. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE OR HOW OLD. GOD CAN EVEN BE A WOMAN BUT IF THIS IS TO BE THE CASE CERTAIN CHANGES WILL HAVE TO BE MADE TO THE SCRIPT. HE LOOKS AROUND IN A COOL APPRAISING MANNER AS THOUGH THINKING TO HIMSELF - 'AM I REALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS?', AND FINALLY SITS DOWN.

GOD: You were expecting my Son?

INT: (NERVOUS) No. Why?

GOD: (SMILING) The music (he hums Jesus Christ Superstar)

INT: Oh, I see what you mean. We just thought it was appropriate. You didn't like it?

GOD: Good choice. I loved the show. That Lloyd Webber - fantastic.

INT: Is this the first time you've ever been on T.V.?

GOD: No, I've had a regular programme on Iranian TV for the last ten years.

INT: But I though they were Moslems?

GOD: They are.

INT: So how did that go down?

GOD: We had lousy ratings. We were even beaten by the Palestinian version of Blankety Blank.

INT: Why don't you tell us a little bit about the Creation, how did you first get the idea?

GOD: I'm not really interested in talking about the creation anymore; that's old news. I thought you might like to hear about my new project.

INT: Now that does sound interesting. What is it, a parallel universe? A perfect version of Earth somewhere else in the Universe?

GOD: I've put this little band together.

INT: A band?

GOD: Yeah man.

INT: What kind of a band?

GOD: A little five piece.

INT: A musical band?

GOD: What else?

INT: You, God, are playing in a rock band?

GOD: It's not really a rock band. More like a jazz combo.

INT: But what about us?

GOD: Who?

INT: You know - your subjects; your people. What are we supposed to do while you're playing in this band?

GOD: Listen?

INT: I'm sure we will, but seriously though?

GOD: Hey, relax. Don't forget who I am. I can do more than one thing at once you know.

INT: (laughing) Well of course you can. What instrument do you play?

GOD: Drums - you might have heard me practising?

INT: No, I don't think so.

GOD: Thunder?

INT: Thunder? We always thought you were shovelling coal.

GOD: That story's been going round for years.

INT: What really surprises me about meeting you for the first time is the way you
look. I didn't really expect you to look like you do.

GOD: Everybody has an image of me. An old man with a white beard and flowing
robes is the favourite but of course I can be anyway I want.

INT: You can change?

GOD: Of course!

INT: Cool. Now? Will you change now?

GOD: Not now. When I get up in the morning I decide on a look and keep it for
the day. My wife though, she'll change three or four times in a day. Start off
Chinese then maybe Creole or Eskimo and then change into Italian for dinner.

INT: Doesn't it get confusing?

GOD: Just living with a woman is confusing? It gets confusing yes but it sure as hell
beats wife swapping.

INT: How do you like her best?

GOD: Scandinavian days are pretty good.

INT: I find it amazing that you've got a wife - Mrs God eh?

GOD: Why not? Even Catholic priests have wives these days.

INT: I don't suppose she's here with you?

GOD: No, she's gone shopping.

INT: Now a question that really intrigues most people, Is there a Devil? A force for evil in the world?

GOD: Sure there is, absolutely. We have Old Nick and his lady round for dinner once a month. We go there for the occasional party. He throws great parties. If you ever get the chance, go to one. Course it gets a bit warm, he will insist on having the heating turned up full.

INT: Is he a force for evil? Does he have the horns and the cloven hooves?

GOD: He gets a bit pissed off sometimes when too much goes right in the world, throws a few tantrums. Earthquakes, volcanoes they're mostly down to him. And as for the rest, he's a regular guy, he gets horny same as anyone else but I've never seen the cloven hoof.

INT: When he gets really worked up and starts something bad, can't you stop
him?

GOD: It's all a question of balance. Rough and smooth. Just imagine how boring it would be if every day were the same and nothing ever went wrong.

INT: Oh I don't know.

GOD: Listen, I spend most of my time in paradise and it gets pretty damned boring. Which is why I like to pop over to Nick's from time to time and see what new devilry he's cooking up.

INT: But you could stop him if you wanted to?

GOD: Not really. It's all about checks and balances. I stop him getting too bad and he stops me getting too good.

INT: You get a lot of criticism these days.

GOD: Tell me about it.

INT: People say when tragedies occur - 'If God exists why does he allow such
things to happen'. What do you say to that?

GOD: What can I say? Everything happens for a purpose, there is a reason behind everything. Some things that are inexplicable to most people make perfect sense to me.

INT: Children being abducted, raped and murdered?

GOD: I can't say any other than I have already. Trust me.

INT: (forceful) I'd like to push you on that last point.

GOD: You'd like to push God? My, you're a brave boy.

INT: (suddenly realising) Well, when you put it like that. So what's to become of us? Is there any hope for the human race?

GOD: Of course, there is always hope.

INT: And that's it? That's the best you can say?

GOD: Listen son, shall I tell you something?

INT: Please?

GOD: There's not just me you know.

INT: I'm not with you.

GOD: There's not just me running things. It's all done by committee.

INT: Committee?

GOD: Yeah.

INT: You mean you're not in overall command of all things?

GOD: I'm afraid not.

INT: How many are on this committee?

GOD: Twenty-two.

INT: Isn't that rather a lot?

GOD: To run the Universe? No, I don't think so. You have as many as that to run the British Government.

INT: I don't think that's a very favourable comparison.

GOD: Perhaps you're right.

INT: Time is getting short, but before I close I'd like your comments on one
thing.

GOD: Sure.

INT: It's a commonly held belief that most things can be explained
scientifically these day and that at the start of the 21st Century there isn't really any need for God anymore. How do you stand on the God versus science question?

GOD: What things can be explained scientifically?

INT: The creation for instance.

GOD: So now you're saying God isn't a scientist. You people have a lot to learn.

INT: Ladies and Gentlemen, the first scientist, the one and only God Almighty.

Thank you and Goodnight.

MUSIC: JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

BLACK-OUT.

CURTAIN