Tina had fetched one of her sisters, who was a bit younger than her.  "Are you all right Jan?" her sister asked.  "They'll come out in a minute, to see to you."
I nodded.  I couldn't stop staring at Tina.  She was looking straight at me.  She hadn't changed.  She was still scruffy.  She hadn't even made an effort; she was black with dirt.  I can remember looking at her and wishing it was her in a coffin, not Jamie.
A sliding door opened, making me jump.  "Hello," said a man, in a friendly voice.  "Can I be of some help?"  He was quite plump, but very smart.  He wore a black suit, white shirt that had been starched round the collar, and his shoes were gleaming.  You could see your face in them.  He himself looked very pale, but I guessed that was maybe because of his job.
"We've come to see Jamie," I said.
"Ah yes."  He cleared his throat and with a sort of whisper in his voice, he said, "We'll only be about ten minutes.  Can I get you a cup of tea?"  He held his hands clasped together.
"No thank you," we both said, together.    
He went back through the sliding door and again we were all sat staring awkwardly at each other.  Tina broke the silence.  "You can come in with me if you like," she said, smiling, looking at me.
I remember thinking, where does she bloody think she is?  Jamie's dead in the next room.  Why would we even think about going in with her?  "I'm not going in with you.  We'll go in on our own," I said.
"Right," she said softly.  "Come and sit over here, Jan."  She patted the seat next to her.  I think she knew I didn't want to, then she added, "You're going to have to talk to me sometime.  You're coming to our house after here, aren't you?"
I looked at Jim, to know what to do.  "Come on love."
We got to our feet.  Jim walked over.  I followed.  The next thing I knew, here I was sitting next to the person I hated the most in the world.  Before we could say anything else, the sliding door opened.  It was the funeral man again.  He walked over to me and Tina.  It was obvious he had been told Jamie's mum had come to see him, but he didn't know if it was Tina or me so looking at us both, he said, "Jamie's mum can go in first and then the rest after."
A panic fell inside me.  I wanted to go in with Jim on my own.  Didn't he know I was Jamie's mum?  Who was he talking to?  Suddenly Tina spoke out, and I think this is the one and only time I agreed with something she said.
"We're both his mums."  The man looked confused.  "I'm his biological mum, but Jan's his mother."  She smiled at me.  "Do you want to come in with me, on your own?" she asked.
I looked into her eyes.  I knew she meant it, it was as if she was trying to involve me, but I was involved.  I'd brought him up, she'd taken him away, but one thing I knew for sure.  I couldn't have trusted myself, going in with Tina.  I didn't know how I was going to react.  Also, it was my place to be with Jim, not her.  I looked at her, then at the man.
"It's okay; you go in first with your sister.  Jim and I will go in after you," I said.
We sat back down.  The man led Tina and her sister through the sliding door.  Jim got hold of my hand.  I clutched Jamie's teddy close to me.  "I'm proud of you Jan," he said.  "You handled that really well."  I half smiled.  "Have you got Jamie's cross and chain out of your bag?  Here, I'll hold this," he said, taking the teddy.  "You find the cross."
I opened the box to have a look.  It was beautiful.  "Will they let me put it round his neck?" I asked.
"I don't think so love, but maybe you could put it in his hand.  I know he'll love it."  Jim put his arm around me.  Suddenly, Tina's sister opened the door.  She was smiling.
"Jan, Jan, you couldn't do us a favour could you?" she asked.
"What?" I answered, gritting my teeth.
"Have you got some scissors?"
"What do you want scissors for?" I said.
"Tina's pinching some of Jamie's hair before the man goes back in.  She's asked me to ask you."
"No, I haven't.  Why can't you just leave him alone?" I asked.
The smile went from her face.  She went back to Tina.  After about five minutes, they came out.  I made a point of seeing if they had been crying.  Not a tear in sight.
"He looks lovely Jan," Tina said.  "He's beautiful.  Are you coming to our house when you're done here?"
"Yes," Jim replied.
"Well, I'll leave you two in peace.  I'll see you later."  She just went.  She didn't hesitate.  She didn't look back.
"She wasn't even crying," I said to Jim.  "She didn't mind leaving him.  Look Jim, she's not even looking back."  She couldn't see us, but we could still see outside, even though the windows were blacked out.
"I know love, but maybe it hasn't hit her yet.  Some people are like that."
I was just about to explode at him like a bloody firecracker when the man appeared.  "Ready?" he asked.
"Not really," Jim replied, but we followed him.  As we went beyond that door, there was a thin corridor with little rooms off.  We reached the one at the far end, on the left.  I remember the purple carpet went right through.
"He's in here."  The man slid the door halfway.  "Now don't be shocked," he said.  "As you go in, you can see straight into Jamie's coffin.  We've had to put it at an angle with him being so small, but I thought I would tell you, then you know what to expect."  We both nodded.  "Well, take as long as you like."  He went into one of the other rooms.
Jim slowly pulled the door back.  The man was right; we could see Jamie clearly.  We walked over to the coffin.  Jim went round the other side to me.
"Oh God," he cried.  "What a waste of a little life."  I couldn't help Jim.   At that point, I reached into the coffin and got hold of his tiny hand.
"Oh, darling, you're cold," I found myself saying.  I was convinced he knew we were there.  I stroked the back of his tiny white hand with my thumb.  "I'm so sorry, baby boy.  I would never have let you go if I'd known the outcome."  
Tears rolled uncontrollably down my cheeks.  Jim moved over to the foot of the coffin.  My eyes scanned every part of Jamie.  He had a blue and white shroud on.  It was satin, pale blue at the bottom and white at the top.  He did look lovely, but speaking from Jamie's point of view, I guess he would've liked to have looked like Hulk.  His eyes were closed, just as if he were sleeping.  I wanted so much for him to open those big brown eyes that were so full of mischief, but I knew he wouldn't.  His eye lashes were so long, they rested gently on his cheeks.  His fine blonde baby hair looked so clean and neat.  I pushed his hair up at the front with my fingers, like I did when he was with us.  I could hear myself telling him how sorry I was for letting him down, asking him to forgive me.
"I've brought teddy for you," I said, placing teddy next to him, so his hand touched it lightly.  "And here's a present off Janette, Zara, mummy and daddy."  I put the chain around his hand and placed the cross near to where I thought his heart would be.  "God will look after you now, darling," I said out loud.  I could hear Jim sobbing.
"Why Jan?  Why did she let him out on his own?"  It all seemed so pointless.
Suddenly, the door opened.  "Have you finished?" the man asked.
I turned quickly.  "No, we haven't!" I said sternly.
"I'm sorry.  I'll wait out here."
"Are you waiting for us to go?" I asked.
"No, of course not.  You be as long as you want," he smiled.
I turned back to look at Jamie.  "I wish I could've held you one more time darling, just to let you know how much you mean to me.  You were a gift from God.  I love you Jamie.  We all do.  We'll never forget our little boy.  I know I'm going on, but I need to tell you how much you were loved.  We will all miss you so very much, darling."  I leaned over and placed my lips on his forehead.  He felt so cold, looked so tiny and helpless.
Jim came to my side and put his arm around me.  "Come on love.  We've said goodbye.  He knows.  He can hear us," he said sweetly.
"No Jim, let me stay a few more minutes.  I don't want to leave him here on his own.  He’s only a baby," I begged in desperation.
Jim leaned over and kissed his forehead.  "Night night son, God bless till we meet again," he sobbed.  "Come on Jan."
I leaned over my son for the last time.  "You be a good boy," I whispered as if he was sleeping - not that he was anything else.  "You've got teddy and your cross and chain.  I love you darling.  Please be happy in heaven.  I'm sorry darling; I never meant to fail you.  I will see you again Jamie and you will always be in my heart forever."  I gave him a kiss off each of the girls.  I stood up and had another look at him.  The man entered the room. I could hardly see him.  Jim grabbed my hand.  I couldn't speak.  All I could do was keep my eyes on Jamie.  Even as we walked towards the door, my head was turned, looking over my shoulder at my little boy.
"Thanks," I heard Jim say.  
"You're welcome.  It's very sad.  Will you and your wife be all right?"
"We'll get there, we always do," Jim said.
I don't remember the journey in the car to Tina's.  I just couldn't get Jamie out of my head.  He shouldn't be there, not Jamie.  He wasn't ill; it was neglect.  It was her fault.  He was only three.  You don't play out at that age, well, not on your own.
"Are you alright love?" Jim asked.
I shrugged my shoulders.  I didn't know what to say.  "Never mind me.  What about you?  How are you bearing up?  I feel like we're just going through the motions, like we're on a wheel we can't get off."
"Jan.  Look love," Jim started, "we're nearly at Tina's now.  I know it's hard, I want to bloody throttle her, but we can't.  Please love, for me, listen to what she has to say.  Stay near me, you'll be okay love, and then you never have to see that witch again."
I looked at Jim.  I knew he was right.  It didn't matter what I said or did to her; it wouldn't bring Jamie back.  "Okay, I'll try, but only for you," I said.
When we pulled up, before we got out of the car, Tommy came to their front door.  "Hiya Jan, Jim," he said.  "Come in."
We didn't really want to, but like Jim said, it was only the once.  As you went into the living room, you could see they had nothing.  The stench of stale urine hit you.  There were no carpets.  All the curtains at the windows were torn.  The three-piece suite was demolished and full of holes.
Tina stood up.  "Here Jan.  You and Jim sit here."
I looked at Jim.  “No it’s okay, we’ll stand.  We’re not stopping.  We’ve only come to sort arrangements out with you,” he said.
It went very quiet and you could feel the hostility between us.  “Well, what did you think then?” Tina asked.
“What did we think about what?” I said, glaring at her.
“Jamie,” she said.  “Don’t you think he looks lovely and peaceful?”
I couldn’t stop myself.  “Excuse me,” I said.  “Are you absolutely f***ing simple?”  All eyes went on me.  “Jamie’s not at a bloody fashion show.  He’s dead.  Through you.  It’s not a joke.  What I think is, you should be in that bloody box, not him.  Don’t you realise that if you’d watched him, or better still, left him with his family - us - he’d still be here.”  Jim grabbed hold of my hand – probably to keep me by his side.
“I didn’t mean it like you took it, Jan,” Tina said.
“How else were we supposed to take it?” I asked her.
Tommy stood up.  “Would you like a brew?” he asked.
“No thanks,” I said.  “Look Tina, I blame you entirely for Jamie’s death, and I always will.  I hate you. I wish you’d drop down dead in front of me, but I know you won’t.  What I do want to know about is Jamie’s last moments.”  I looked straight at her.  She was crying.  I wondered who for, herself or Jamie?  I bet I could make a guess.
“Jan, he wasn’t on his own.  I was with him,” she said.
“Was he conscious?”
“Yeh,” she nodded her head.
“Did he speak?  Did he know where he was?  Was he in pain?”  I needed to know the answers.
Still crying, she said, “He was conscious, he knew he was in hospital.”  She wiped her nose on a piece of tissue.  “He wasn’t in pain.  They gave him an injection, but they couldn’t operate on him until he was in a stable condition,” she sobbed.
I began to cry.  I wondered if she was in as much pain as I was.  “What happened then?”
“Well, I was sat by the side of his bed.  He was opening and closing his eyes, as if he kept drifting off to sleep.  I held his hand all the time Jan.  I never left him, honest.  You’ve got to believe that,” she pleaded.  I was still crying.  I could picture it in my mind as she was telling me what it was like.  “He woke up and turned his head to look at me.”  She began sobbing again.  Someone passed her a tissue.  “He started to whimper.”
“What do you mean?” I demanded to know.
“You know, sort of cry,” she said.  “So I stood up and tried to reassure him.  He kept asking for his mummy.”
I couldn’t stop the tears.  I looked at Jim.  He was crying too.
“I sat on the edge of the bed.  He was looking straight at me.  I asked him if he was hurting.  He said, ‘No.’ I told him not to cry.  He asked for his mummy again.  I thought he must be confused, so I held his hand and said, ‘It’s all right Jamie, mummy’s here.’”  She broke down.  After a few minutes, she carried on.  “He looked straight at me Jan, and pushed my hand away, saying, ‘Not you, you’re not my mummy.  I want my other mummy.’”
I felt like someone had dropped a concrete slab in the pit of my stomach.  “What happened then?” I asked, as I sobbed uncontrollably.
“He closed his eyes.  He just closed his eyes and the nurse said he’d gone.”  She put her hands to her face.
All I could feel was despair.  My son had asked for me and I wasn’t there.  Oh God, I’d let him down yet again.  “Why didn’t you phone me?” I sobbed.  “Why?  I’d’ve come to the hospital straight away.”
She looked up.  “Honest Jan, I didn’t know he was so poorly.  I would’ve got you if I’d known.  You’ve got to believe that.”
“Why?  Why should I believe that?  You promised you would never take him from us, but you did,” I shouted.  “And now you took him out of this world.  You. You’ll have to live with this till the day you die – just like I will,” I sobbed.  “Jim, take us home please.  I can’t stay.”  I went to the front door, with Jim quickly following me.  He put me in the car.
Tommy came running out of the house, shouting Jim.  “I’ll come and see you tomorrow about the funeral arrangements,” he said.
Jim nodded.  “Right,” he replied, as he got in the front and started the car.
“I’m sorry Jim,” I cried.  “I’ve had enough.”
He reached over to me and said, “I know love, we both have.”
We didn’t say anything else.  I mean, what else was there to say, except it was one of the worst days I have ever lived through and, no doubt, Jim too.  We were glad we didn’t have the girls.  To be honest, I don’t think either of us could have coped at that point.  I remember very little being said that night.  Jim had run me a hot bath.  That’s where I always go to think and reflect on things.
Jim went and laid on the bed.  He was mentally drained.  I lay in the bath, staring at the bubbles, remembering how fascinated Jamie was with them.  I couldn’t stop thinking of him lying alone in that coffin.  I could see him so clearly, his little hands and face so white, like the soapsuds in my bath.  He felt so cold.  I wanted to wrap myself around him, to keep him warm.  To talk and sing his favourite nursery rhymes, so he wouldn’t be lonely.  To say, “Come on Jamie, wake up darling, we’re going home.”  I wanted to see him smile, to hear his voice, to watch him so closely just in case he blinked, so I could say, “He’s not dead, he’s only kidding.”
But he didn’t.  He laid so still, so quiet, I knew it wasn’t a mistake.
I was suddenly brought back to reality by Jim knocking on the bathroom door.  “Jan, Jan, are you alright love?”
“Er, yeh I’m fine.  Why?”
 “You’ve been in there ages.  I thought you’d fallen asleep.  I bet you’re freezing.  I’ll nip down and make a cuppa.  Do you want yours in the bedroom?”
“Yes please Jim.  I’m getting out now,” I said.
He was right; the water had gone cold.  I was cold, but not as cold as Jamie, I thought.  I wrapped a towel around me and put one round my head.  Jim had come back upstairs.
“Here love, get that down you.”  He passed me my brew.
“Thanks love.”  I looked at Jim as I sat on the edge of the bed.  “You’re hurting through me,” I said.
Jim sat up straight.  “And how do you come to that conclusion?” he asked.
“Well, I was the one who took Jamie on.  I didn’t ask you, I just knew you would agree.  I was the one who handed Jamie back, and look what’s happened.  It’s all through me,” I cried.  “I’m so sorry Jim.  I should’ve never let her have him back, it’s all my fault.”
Jim knelt down in front of me.  Putting his hand lightly under my chin and raising my head up so our eyes met, he said, “Now listen.  It’s not your fault.  You did everything you could do.  You loved Jamie as if he was your own, and so did I.  It’s her fault, she should have watched him.  We never neglected him, Jan.  Don’t think that way.  I know Jamie’s looking down on both of us.  You’ve got to believe it love.”
He put his arms around me and I cried on his shoulder until I had no more tears left.  My head hurt so badly, I felt so numb, I wondered if I would ever feel normal again.  
Jim appeared with yet another cuppa.  “Right,” he said, “here’s your sleepers.  Take them now Jan.  You need to shut off for awhile.”
I did as I was told, but I felt so guilty.  How could I even think about sleeping, with my son lying in a coffin?  I woke up around three a.m.  Jim was sleeping soundly beside me.  After making myself a cuppa, I returned to our bedroom.  I didn’t feel like sleeping, so I sat on the windowsill.  Everywhere was so peaceful.  The stars seemed to be glistening more than usual.  I remember thinking that if that was the edge of heaven, what a beautiful place it must be, but why did God let this happen?  Jamie hadn’t even begun to live his life.  My mind drifted back to the undertaker’s.  Again I was thinking about Jamie being alone and cold, and how much I had let him down.  I knew I couldn’t change what had happened, but I promised myself and Jamie I would always be there for my two girls, that no matter what, I would never let them down.
Next morning we went round to my mum’s.  The girls were pleased to see us.  The atmosphere was strained.  I don’t know why, but me and mum don’t really get on.  We certainly aren’t close.  I was the middle child of five.  Mum said I always wanted to be better than everyone else, that I was never satisfied, that I thought I was too good for the family.  In my mind, this was rubbish.  I only wanted to do well, to make her proud of me, but in fact, every achievement I made pushed mum further away.  She offered Jim and me her apologies and said how sad it was about Jamie, and then came the awaited dig.
“Well, he wasn’t really yours now, was he?” she said, looking straight at me.  “I’m glad in a way I didn’t get too attached.  It’s not like losing one of your own, is it?”  She couldn’t have twisted the knife any more if she had tried. She turned and walked into the kitchen.
Jim just looked at me.  “Come on girls,” he said, standing up, “we’re going.  Thanks for having the kids, mum,” he shouted through to the kitchen.”
“That’s all right love,” she said, walking back through to the living room.
“Kiss your gran, you two,” I said.  “See you later mum.”
I kissed her cheek, as usual.  She always puts her cheek out to me.  What I really needed was for my mum to hold me, to tell me I would be alright, that Jamie would be alright, to make everything better - but that would be expecting too much.  I only hope I never make my girls feel the way my mum makes me feel.
Zara had overheard my mum saying me and Jim had been to see Jamie, and asked us if she could see him.  What do you say?  We couldn’t let her see him like he was, so when we got home we tried to explain so she could understand.
“Well, my grandma said you and daddy went to see Jamie, so me and Janette want to see our baby brother.”  She looked at us both.  Jim shook his head at me in desperation.  I knew it was down to me.
“Listen darling,” I started to say.  “We did go and see Jamie yesterday.”
“What did he say, mummy?” she asked, waiting for an answer, knowing full well if we had spoken to him he would’ve sent some kind of message.
“Well, he said he likes being in heaven with Jesus, and he can see you and Janette.”
“Can he, mummy?  Can he see us?”  A smile came on her face.
“Yes, he’s magic.  You can’t see him, but he can see you all the time.  If you speak to him he can hear you, but he can’t speak to you because people don’t need to speak in heaven.”  I took a deep breath.  Jim and I were waiting for the next question.
“Can we go to heaven?” she asked, reaching out for Janette’s hand.
“No darling, not for a long time, but you will one day, and you will see Jamie.”
She smiled.  “Can we play upstairs, mummy?”
“Course you can,” I replied.
With that, they both skipped off.  I think that seemed to answer their questions for now.
Tommy called round at teatime to ask us about going to the funeral.  Jim and I had talked it over and decided it would be best if we didn’t attend.  Tommy seemed taken aback; he felt we had every right to be there.  We tried to explain it wasn’t a case of rights; it was because we couldn’t deal with the situation and circumstances.  He said he understood and asked if he could call round to see us after the funeral.  Of course, we agreed.  Jim had made a doctor’s appointment for me, so we had to cut Tommy’s visit short.
When I arrived at the doctor’s it was nearly empty, which made a change.  There was only one lady before me, but I suppose it was getting time for the surgery to shut, as it was nearly six o’ clock.
The receptionist called my name.  “Doctor will see you now,” she smiled.  I didn’t really know why I was there.  Apart from the fact that I wasn’t sleeping and eating, I didn’t feel I needed to see him.  I knocked on the door and waited to be invited in.
“Come in,” a cheery voice called.
I opened the door.  “Hiya,” I said, sitting down on the chair near the doctor’s desk.
“Now Jan, what can I do for you?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” I replied, and sat looking at him.
He cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair.  He was a friendly man – in fact, they were all good doctors at the surgery.  You could talk to them, they weren’t too upper crust.  “Well,” he began, “Jim’s phoned me.  He’s told me about Jamie.  I’m so sorry Jan.  It’s so sad for a child to die, even in my profession, but to die in those circumstances…”
I stopped him in midstream.  “Have you got a happy pill?  Can you bring my son back to me?” I asked bitterly, the bile rising and the tears welling up in my eyes.  I had that feeling in my throat, like I’d swallowed a tennis ball.  My stomach ached.
“No Jan.”  He leaned forward.  “I can’t do either of those things, but I know you’re blaming yourself.  Everyone blames themselves,” he said.
“Yes, well in my case it’s true,” I shouted.
“Why?” he asked.
“I was the one who gave him back,” I sobbed.  “I was the one who wasn’t by his bedside.  I’m the one not going to his funeral, but I can’t.  I can’t bear seeing my little boy being put in a cold, wet hole.”  I broke down.  “Oh doctor, please help me.  It doesn’t matter what I’ve done in my life, I always make it go wrong.”
He stood up and passed me a tissue.  He put his arm around me.  “Jan it’s normal, you’re grieving.  There’s always ifs and buts.  You’re not thinking clearly.  You need time.  If you feel you don’t want to go to the funeral – well, don’t go.”  He smiled.    
“But I know everyone thinks I should,” I cried, “but I’m going to the grave with Jim, when they’ve all left.”
“Well that’s fine,” he said, “but I do feel you and Jim should go to the grave.  
You have to say goodbye.”  He spoke softly, so as not to set me off again.  “I’m going to give you some tablets to calm you down.  I want you to take them.  You’ll feel sluggish for a few days, but please take them Jan, and come back to see me in a week.”  He wrote my prescription and passed it to me.  “You know,” he said, “you will start to feel better, but you mustn’t keep blaming yourself.”  I just looked at him.  “Did you let him play out on his own?” he asked.
“No,” I replied.
“No, I know you didn’t, and I know you wouldn’t.  Go home.  Take your tablets and try to rest, Jan.  If you need anything, phone the surgery.”
I reached out and shook his hand.  “Thanks doctor.”
“You’re welcome,” he said.