POKER NIGHT

Act One

Scene: A round poker-table with four folding chairs (currently occupied by 2 men) around it sits at center stage. Piles of coins lay correspondingly to each chair. There is a large bowl of potato chips in the center of the table. GARRY sits in the middle chair. In front of him is a frosty bear mug. MIKE sits to the right of Garry. Curtain opens.

(ENTER DON, a cup of milk in hand. As he gets to the table, he sets the milk down in front of Mike, and takes a seat next to Garry. He has a lit cigar in his mouth.)

Don: Here ya go, Mikey.

Mike: Thanks Don! (Mike grabs the cup thankfully and takes a big gulp, leaving a white mustache on his lips when he sets the glass down)

(Garry looks over at Mike and sees the milk on his upper lip. Garry gestures towards his lips)

Garry: You got a little something on your face there, Mike.

Mike: (Wipes at his face, smearing the milk across his cheek) Did I get it?

Garry: (Hesitant) Uh, yeah... You got it.

Don: (Don shakes his head, witnessing the ordeal. He pulls out a Handkerchief from his pocket and throws it to Mike) Here, Mike. You look ridiculous.

(Mike takes the handkerchief and wipes off the rest of the milk. He then discards it by throwing it behind him, glaring at Garry)

Don: (Don deals the cards out) Alright kids, you know the game. Five cards, jokers are wild.

Mike: (Looking at his newly-dealt cards) Ah, Don! You know I hate it when we play with Jokers!

Don: What are you talking about?

(Mike holds up two of his cards in front of him and observes them. Don and Garry sort out their cards, hardly paying attention to Mike)

Mike: I dunno. It just doesn't seem right, ya know? When you put 'em together like this, it sort of makes them look like their siamese twins.

(Both Don and Garry look up, surprised. Don snatches the cards out of Mike's hands and looks at them. Mike begins to snicker to himself as Don slowly catches on to the joke)

Don: (Throwing the cards in Mike's face) You moron! Don't joke around like that!

Mike: Oh lighten up, Don. We're here to have fun, aren't we?

Garry: (Sarcasm) Of course not, Mike. This is poker we're talking about. I mean, we're betting with real money here. God forbid Don loses a nickel.

Don: Are you sayin' I'm cheap?

Garry: Oh no, not at all, Don. In fact, buying that box of underwear from the man on the corner was the greatest save I've seen you make all year.

Don: Of course it was! That box only cost me two dollars!

Garry: Yea, but they were used!

Mike: Wow, Don. Two dollars... That's, like, a whole extra Grand-Slam at Denny's.

Don: Shut up!

(Everyone goes back to the game after a short pause. It remains quiet for several seconds. Garry lays down two cards and passes them over to Don)

Garry: Gimme two cards, Don.

Don: (Picks up the deck of cards and counts out two cards aloud) One... Two... There ya go.

(Don slides the counted cards over to Garry and then takes the discarded. In mid-action, Don manages to knock a few coins on the floor. He bends down to pick them up, still keeping his hand on the table. While he's not looking, Don's cards are in plain view for Mike to see. Mike takes a glance)

(During this, Garry has been taking out a card from his front pocket and exchanging it with one from his hand. He smiles to himself, pleased with his actions)

(Mike looks over to Garry and tries to see his cards, but Garry's arm is blocking the view. Mike takes a coin from his pile and tosses it over Garry's head and off stage left, causing a clinking sound. Garry looks over at the noise, finally revealing his cards to Mike in plain sight. Mike quickly takes a peek at Garry's cards)

Mike: (Slamming his cards down on the table) I fold!

(Garry and Don quickly avert their attention back to Mike, surprised)

Garry: What? You fold?! We haven't even made the first bet!

Mike: Yea I know... But I doubt I'm gonna beat any of you fine fellas with this hand. So I figure I'd just give up now and let you two duke it out.

Don: Don't try to flatter us, Mike. You cheated again, didn't you?

Mike: Again? What do you mean again, I never cheated before!

Garry: (Jumping out of his chair) Ahah! So you DID just cheat then.

(Mike raises his finger in protest, but then realizes that it would only be in vein. He closes his half-open mouth, and looks down in shame. He throws a nickel in the middle of the table. From here on in, betting actions will go unsaid, but assumed to happen)

Mike: (Quietly) Five...

Don: Alright. I see your five and raise you ten.

Garry: I call.

Don: Alright boys, let's see em'.

Mike: (Throwing his cards on the table) I got nothin'.

Don: Read em' and weep, boys. Full House!

Garry: Hah! You think that's gonna make me weep? Better go grab a tissue, cause I've got a four of a kind, right here.

Don: (Stunned, standing abruptly) What!? Th... That's impossible! Nobody gets four of a kind on the first hand! The odds of that are astronomical!

Garry: Guess I've beaten the odds then, Garry. (He lays down his hand in order of the play) Here, I'll prove it to ya. 1, 2, 3, 4 Jacks. There they all are, buddy.

Don: (Sitting back down, discouraged) How can it be!? It's impossible, I'm telling you.

Garry: You'll get over it Don. Just think of your underwear and be happy. 

Mike: Yea, Don. You've got a whole game left to get your precious money back. Cheer up, old man! (He slaps Don on the back. He takes a potato chip out of the bowl in the middle of the table, and gestures it towards him)  Here, have a chip. I know it'll make you feel better.

(Don shrugs off Mike's hand and slaps away the chip)

(ENTER BOB, from stage left. He is carrying a small suitcase in his hand.)

Bob: (Speaking with a British accent) Good evening, gentleman. So terribly sorry to keep you waiting.

Don: It's alright Bob. Just sit down and let's play. We're only on the second hand.

Bob: Oh good. I'm just in time, then. (He pulls out the empty chair and sits down, perfectly poised. He places the suitcase beside him on the floor)

Mike: What's with the get-up, Bob?

Bob: What do you mean, "get-up"?

Mike: That suit you're wearing.

Bob: My suit? Yes, what about it?

Mike: Why are you wearing it?

Bob: I believe that a man of my stature should always dress in the finest of menswear. Wouldn't you say, old sport?

Mike: Man of your stature? Bob... You work at Home Depot.

Don: Be quiet, Mike. Let him alone. He's perfectly fine the way he's dressed.

Garry: He looks rather dapper, to be honest.

Bob: Why thank you, Garry.

Don: Alright kids... Could we get back to the game now, please?

(Garry nods and deals out the cards. Don puffs away at his cigar. Mike plays with a chip from his bowl.)

(From under his jacket, Bob pulls out a martini glass. He sets the glass on the table. He then reaches down to the floor and pulls up the suitcase he brought in earlier. He places it on the table and opens it, revealing a mini-martini kit. He pulls out a martini shaker, a bag of ice, and two mini-sized liquor bottles and sets them on the table. He places the martini shaker upright and screws off the top. He pours in the ice. Then, he takes the martini glass and the liquor bottle containing a darker colored liquid. He pours a little amount of it in the martini glass and swirls it around. Once he is done, he pours the liquid into Garry's beer mug. Garry doesn't notice. Bob then takes the other bottle and pours it into the shaker. He puts the lid back on and shakes the shaker for a few seconds. Then he takes off the very top and pours the liquid into the martini glass. By now, the other three are watching in baffled amusement)

(Bob quickly puts everything back in the case and sets it down. He goes to drink his homemade martini, but then realizes something is missing. He digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out an olive. He plops it into the drink. Finally, he sips his fresh martini and finally takes a look at his hand.)

Mike: What you got there, Bobby?

Bob: It's a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

Mike: Well, of course it is... But I was referring to your hand.

Bob: What kind of silly question is that? Do you honestly think I'm going to let you know what my hand is?

Mike: Well... Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

Bob: Do I look like a bloody fool to you?

Mike: Yes! Yes you do! You're wearing a suit and talking like Michael Caine. You're at poker game for Chris sakes, not an ice cream social!

Bob: I find nothing wrong with wanting to look my sharpest. Apparently you wouldn't know anything about "looking sharp", now would you?

Mike: I think I look just fine, thank you very much.

Don: Would you two stop bickering like little hens! You're giving me an ulcer!

Garry: Yes, Don's right. Can you please just start the betting, Mike?

Mike: Okay, okay. Fine. (Throws in a dime) There, 10. Ya happy?

Don: That's better. I see your 10, and raise you another.

(Garry takes a drink from the mug. Tasting the liquor that was slipped in his drink, Garry spits it out in a nice spray across the table.)

Don: Well, then, Garry. If you think that's too much, maybe I should just raise you five.

Garry: (Coughing) No No No. There was something awful in my drink.

Bob: Oh... That must have been from my martini.

Garry: Yuck. That stuff is terrible!

Bob: Well, it may not be the nectar of the gods but it gets the job done.

(There is a pause. Nobody knows what to say)

Bob:  Right... Who's turn is it to bet now?

Garry: Oh! That must be me. I call.

Bob: (Sipping his martini) I call and raise you five, then.

Mike: I call and raise another five. (Sip)

Don: That's a bit too risky for me, boys. I fold.
.
Garry: Me too. I've still got some bills to pay. I fold.

Bob: Call. (Another sip)

Mike: Alright then. That should do it. Let's see your hand.

Bob: You first. It's too much pressure for me, old sport.

Mike: Alright... Three of a kind. All kings, baby.

Bob: (Taking yet another sip of his martini, now almost empty) Not bad. Unfortunately for you, not good enough, either. Royal Flush!

Mike: No way! (He grabs the cards off the table and looks at them) Impossible! Y...You cheated! There's no way you could've...

Bob: (cutting off Mike, pompous) Michael, Michael, Michael. If you cannot accept the defeat like a grown-up, perhaps you shouldn't be playing poker with us men.

Mike: (Standing up, angry) Ya know what, Bob!? I've had about enough of your superior attitude. It's sickening! (Beat) I mean, here you are, all dressed up and speaking with that horrible accent; trying to sound all important and cool. But you're not! You're not rich. You're not fancy. Hell, you're not even all that good looking! As a matter of fact, you're probably the most pathetic person here!

(Bob stands up, matching the glare with Mike)

Mike: Stop trying to be someone you're not!

Don: Calm down, Mike. It's only a game.

Bob: No, it's alright Don. Let the little chap throw his fit.

Mike: That's it! (He grabs the martini glass from the table and throws the remaining liquid into Bob's face)

Mike: (Storming off stage left, mumbling) Call me old sport, will ya?

(Bob remains standing, stunned)

Garry: Oh no... Bob, are you okay?

(Bob begins to sob. He sits down, and places his head on the table)

Garry: (Placing his hand on Bob's back to comfort him) Aw, Bob... It's okay. He didn't mean anything by it.

Bob: (Without the British accent, sobbing) No. He's right. I am pathetic!

Garry: No you're not, Bob. You were just trying to have some fun.

Bob: No, I wasn't, Garry. I was fooling myself, is all. Look at me! I'm in a suit at a poker game. And it's not even mine. It's a rental!

Don: We don't care about any of that, Bob.

Bob: Well I care. I can't go on living like this anymore...  I've got to stop living this lie. (He gets up abruptly, embarrassed, and runs off stage left)

(Don and Garry sit at the table in utter silence. Garry looks at his watch, noticing the time)

Garry: Oh gosh. Look at the time. I better be going. Gotta go spend some time with the missus, you know. (He gets up and jogs off stage left)

Don: Alright then... See ya, Garry. (Takes a puff of his cigar) How in the hell did we go from a prime-time sitcom to an afternoon soap opera so quickly? (Another puff) Oh well. Look at the bright side. I get to keep all this money! (He laughs as he gets up from the chair and reaches across the table, gathering all the coins from the table with his arms) Denny's is free tonight!!

Blackout

Curtain