ACT 2 SCENE 1

THE SCENE AS BEFORE.

SALLY: (to audience) It was a Friday afternoon about a month after the no sex, no gardening ultimatum. I was having a rare afternoon off work. I'd just been slumming round the house and was just about to have a nice long soak in the bath when; -

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

The doorbell rang.

SALLY EXITS AND RETURNS WITH DAVE WHO'S HOLDING A BOTTLE OF WINE.

DAVE: You don't mind my just calling round like this?

SALLY: Of course not. Was it something in particular.... or were you just passing by with a bottle of wine under your arm when overcome by a sudden whim you decided to call in?

DAVE: Erm... I

SALLY: Shall I open the wine while you come up with a good story.

DAVE: Good idea.

SALLY: (She opens the bottle) How's Rita?

DAVE: Oh you know. Same as always.

SALLY: (pouring the wine) It should be chilled really.

THEY CHINK GLASSES, AD-LIB CHEERS ETC. AND DRINK.

So here we are then. Alone at last.

DAVE: Does that bother you?

SALLY: You've quite a reputation as a ladies man. One look from your smouldering blue eyes and women swoon at your feet.

DAVE: Do they?

SALLY: So I've heard.

DAVE: You've nothing to fear from me Sally.

SALLY: You’d better go now then.

DAVE: Oh?

SALLY: You’re not going to make a pass at me then?

DAVE: I didn't say that.

SALLY: So you will?

DAVE: Is that why you think I'm here, to get you into bed?

SALLY: Middle of the afternoon, bottle of wine, Martin at work, enough after-shave to conquer a harem. What else is a girl to think? Only it won't have to be bed, it's not made yet. Lazy cow aren't I?

DAVE: I thought it would be nice to see you again - have a chat.

SALLY: Look Dave, if you're here for a quick shag I'd prefer to know rather than mess about.

DAVE: Sally love, you're my best mate's wife for God's sake.

SALLY: I'm sorry Dave. I'm just a bit touchy at the moment.

DAVE: That's OK.

THEY DRINK IN SILENCE

It wouldn't be quick anyway.

SALLY: (irritated) What?

DAVE: One thing I'm not is quick. It would be nice and slow. Satisfaction guaranteed.

SALLY: Or my money back? Don't make promises you can't keep. I might get you so turned on you'd only last thirty seconds.

DAVE: Shall we find out?

SALLY: If I offered you upstairs now you'd be off down the path like a shot.

DAVE: (Sipping wine; cool.)Maybe.

SALLY: So why are you here with a bottle of wine in the middle of the afternoon?

DAVE: To cheer you up.

SALLY: How do you know I need cheering up?

DAVE: Remember when you came round to see Rita last week - that lingerie party - you seemed a bit down. Subdued, not your usual self.

SALLY: Martin said it was a waste of time my going unless they had split crotch chastity belts. But you're right; I have been a bit down recently.

DAVE: Want to talk about it?

SALLY: I'm not sure I can with you.
DAVE: More wine?

Sally nods and he pours for both of them.

Well?

SALLY: Did you notice the garden?

DAVE: It would have been hard not to. I had to hack my way up the path with a machete.

SALLY: Martin hates gardening but I don't see why I should do it after being at work all day. We had a terrible row about it one day and I told him no gardening - no sex.

DAVE: Well I can see there's hasn't been any gardening.

SALLY: I've kept my side of the bargain as well.

DAVE: Poor Martin, I thought he looked a bit dejected.

SALLY: What about poor old me? It's not just men that enjoy sex you know. I wish I'd never said it now but I can't go back on it..... can I?

DAVE: Perhaps you don't need to.

SALLY: What do you mean?

DAVE: Classic compromise is what’s required here.

SALLY: Oh?

DAVE: No loss of face on either side.

SALLY: I’m not with you.

DAVE: Perhaps you don't need to go back on what you said.

SALLY: What do you mean?

DAVE: I could always help.

SALLY: The lawnmowers in the shed.

DAVE: Supposing I get the garden into shape do I get the same remuneration as Martin?

SALLY: The labourer is worthy of his hire.

DAVE: In the shed you say?

SALLY: Yeah.

DAVE: I'll make a start then.

SALLY: Why don't I get another bottle - you can always cut the grass another day.

THEY EXIT. BLACK-OUT.

ACT 2 SCENE 2

MARTIN AND SALLY ARE SITTING QUIETLY SIDE BY SIDE. REMNANTS OF THE TAKE-AWAY ARE STREWN ABOUT. A CD IS QUIETLY PLAYING AND ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE HAS BEEN OPENED.

SALLY: Martin?

MARTIN: Hmm?

SALLY: Were you ever unfaithful to me?

MARTIN: Why?

SALLY: I just wondered.

MARTIN: Seems a bit late in the day. Were you?

SALLY: No - well...

MARTIN: Yes?

SALLY: Only in my mind.

MARTIN: Tom Cruise and Martin Sheen: the dynamic duo.

SALLY: It was the lad from the butchers once. He was good.

MARTIN: Just fantasies then? You weren't really unfaithful?

SALLY: No, of course not.

MARTIN: Oh.

SALLY: So. Were you?

MARTIN: (emphatic) No!

SALLY: You were, weren’t you?

MARTIN: Not really.

SALLY: You either were or you weren’t.

MARTIN: Yeah. I was - once.

SALLY: Really unfaithful?

MARTIN: What do you mean really unfaithful?

SALLY: You had sex with another woman?

MARTIN: How else can you be unfaithful?

SALLY: It wasn't just snogging and touching - it was actual sex?

MARTIN: I suppose so.

SALLY: Penetration?

MARTIN: (remembering) Oh yes, lots of that.

SALLY: Did you wear anything?

MARTIN: Nearly everything.

SALLY: What about a condom?

MARTIN: Didn’t have any.

SALLY: That was irresponsible, wasn't it?

MARTIN: I guess so.

SALLY: Who was it?

MARTIN: Just a girl.

SALLY: A girl?

MARTIN: Woman; girl; female.

SALLY: I don't believe you. I'd have known if you'd slept with another woman.

MARTIN: I didn't sleep with her.

SALLY: You just had sex with her?

MARTIN: Yeah.

SALLY: A quick shag?

MARTIN: Yeah

SALLY: A one off?

MARTIN: (exasperated) Yes!

SALLY: It wasn’t an affair then?

MARTIN: Oh no, nothing like that.

SALLY: How long had we been married?

MARTIN: Not long.

SALLY: How long?

MARTIN: Not long.

SALLY: Months?

MARTIN SHAKES HIS HEAD

Weeks?

MARTIN SHAKES HIS HEAD

Days?

MARTIN SHAKES HIS HEAD

Help me out here Martin.

MARTIN: About an hour.

SALLY: (amazed) An hour?

MARTIN: Maybe two.

SALLY: You are joking?

MARTIN: No.

SALLY: You'd better tell me about it.

MARTIN: Are you sure?

SALLY: I need a drink first.

MARTIN: Me too.

THEY BOTH STAND AND EXIT. BLACKOUT.

ACT 2 SCENE 3

MARTIN AND JANE ENTER FROM

OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE STAGE. HE IS WEARING HIS WEDDING DAY SUIT AND BRIGHTLY COLOURED TIE, JANE IS WEARING A BRIDESMAIDS DRESS. THEY MEET IN THE MIDDLE. THEY BOTH

SEEM SLIGHTLY TIPSY AND ARE HOLDING CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.

MARTIN: Jane - having a good time?

JANE: Yeah, brilliant.

MARTIN: Doesn't Sally look beautiful?

JANE: Yeah, beautiful.

MARTIN: 'Course, you look pretty gorgeous yourself.

JANE: Yeah. Thanks.

MARTIN: Where's your boyfriend… er?

JANE: Twat!

MARTIN: I thought it was Rob.

JANE: He is a twat and he’s about somewhere.

MARTIN: Had a tiff? I remember Sall..

JANE: ..Bastard's been dancing with Melanie all night.

MARTIN: Men eh?

JANE: They’re all bastards.

MARTIN: I hope that doesn’t include your new brother in law?

JANE: You're not too bad.

MARTIN: (sincere) Thanks Jane

JANE: Will you dance with me Martin?

MARTIN: Of course - come on.

JANE: I want to change first. Will you help me?

MARTIN: (STARTLED) What, change?

JANE: I just need you to unzip my dress - I can't reach it myself.

MARTIN: (Uncertain) Well.. I’m not sure..

JANE: Oh for God’s sake Martin, I’m only seventeen and you’re my brother in law.

MARTIN: Exactly.

JANE: I’ll just have to spend the rest of my life trapped in this dress.

MARTIN: Come on then.

SLIGHT LIGHTING CHANGE TO INDICATE DIFFERENT ROOM.

JANE: Perhaps we could have that dance here?

MARTIN: I'm not sure that's a good idea.

JANE: Well if you'll just undo my zip I'll get changed.

SHE TURNS HER BACK AND MARTIN UNZIPS HER. AS HE DOES HER DRESS SLIPS OFF HER SHOULDERS TO THE FLOOR. SHE TURNS TO FACE HIM, THEY MOVE TOGETHER AND KISS, AT FIRST SLOWLY BUT THEN WITH INCREASING PASSION.

BLACK-OUT.

ACT 2 SCENE 4

BACK IN MARTIN'S HOUSE. HE IS CROUCHED BY THE STEREO LOOKING

THROUGH A PILE OF CD'S. SALLY IS ADJUSTING HER CLOTHING. THEY SHOULD BOTH LOOK DISHEVELLED AFTER MAKING LOVE.

MARTIN: Do you think we should have done that?

SALLY: Too late now.

MARTIN: It was good.

SALLY: It was very good (BEAT) just what I needed.

MARTIN: Me too.

SALLY: We always were rather good together.

MARTIN: Yeah.

SALLY: I think you've improved with age.
MARTIN: You definitely have.

SALLY: Ha Ha. (lightly) Is there someone in your life Martin, someone special?

MARTIN: Ner. ‘bout you?

SHE BURSTS INTO TEARS AND EXITS; COMING BACK AFTER A FEW MOMENTS WITH A TISSUE AT HER EYES.
Sorry Sall, didn't mean to upset you.

SALLY: I'm all right. It's been a traumatic sort of day. I bury my Mother and find out that my husband was unfaithful to me with some tart within an hour of being married. Then I seduce him just to prove I still can. Who was it anyway? Are you going to tell me?

MARTIN: Does it matter after all this time?

SALLY: It shouldn't but I think I deserve to know.

MARTIN: It was Jane.

SALLY: (puzzled) Jane?

MARTIN: Jane.

SALLY: Jane who?

MARTIN: Your sister Jane

SALLY: (really shocked and disbelieving) You are joking?

MARTIN: It was Jane.

SALLY: My sister Jane (BEAT) my bridesmaid. She was only sixteen for God's sake.

MARTIN: Seventeen.

SALLY: Of course that extra year makes all the difference. The fucking bitch. So that's why you couldn't manage to make love with me on our wedding night.

MARTIN: I'm sorry love it just happened.

SALLY: Didn't you feel guilty?

MARTIN: That's why I got so drunk at your parents the next day.

SALLY: How could you do that with my sister?

MARTIN: I'm sorry, it just...

SALLY: Happened.

MARTIN: Yeah.

SALLY: Was that the only time?

MARTIN: Yeah.

SALLY: Did you ever do it with anyone else?

MARTIN: No.

SALLY: Swear?

MARTIN: I swear. Will you swear that you didn't?

SALLY: I swear.

MARTIN: (Martin shakes his head in disbelief) You lying cow! What about that time you were out and I found the condoms on the floor?

SALLY EXITS. BLACK-OUT.

ACT 2 SCENE 5

MARTIN IS NODDING OFF IN THE CHAIR DESPERATELY TRYING TO KEEP AWAKE. A CAN OF BEER HE'S HOLDING SLIPS TO THE FLOOR. A CAR PULLS UP, A DOOR SLAMS AND THE CAR DRIVES OFF.

SALLY ENTERS; SHE TIPTOES ROUND THE ROOM WITHOUT REALISING THAT MARTIN IS THERE. SHE'S ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN MARTIN SPEAKS.

MARTIN: Bit late Sall.

SALLY: God Martin you made me jump.

MARTIN: You're late.

SALLY: Am I?

MARTIN: Yeah. I’d say so.

SALLY: And what constitutes late?

MARTIN: Do you know what time it is?

SALLY: Late?

MARTIN: Where have you been?

SALLY: Out? Do you want a coffee?

MARTIN: No. Where?

SALLY: Where what?

MARTIN: Where have you been till (checks watch for effect) 2 in the fucking morning?

SALLY: (keeping calm) For a drink.

MARTIN: Who with?

SALLY: You should have a lamp if you're going to do this properly.

MARTIN: (thrown off balance) A lamp?

SALLY: One of those Angle-poise jobs from British Home Stores.

MARTIN: What are you talking about?

SALLY: A dark sinister uniform and a guttural accent would help.

MARTIN: I only asked where you'd been.

SALLY: And I’ve told you.

MARTIN: For a drink?

SALLY: Yeah.

MARTIN: Who with?

SALLY: (opening drawer) I'm sure we had some thumbscrews in here. Would the nutcrackers do? No, I don't suppose they would on me.

MARTIN: You're only behaving like this because you've got something to hide.

SALLY: Have I?

MARTIN: You're being very defensive.

SALLY: Perhaps I don't appreciate being given the third degree at Two O'clock in the morning.

MARTIN: I was worried about you.

SALLY: Were you?

MARTIN: Yes.

HOLDS UP PACKET OF CONDOMS.

Especially when I found these on the floor when I came in.

SALLY: Oh.

MARTIN: Do you know what these are?

SALLY: Don't you?

MARTIN: They're johnnies.

SALLY: Won't he need them?

MARTIN: Rubber bloody johnnies. A man puts them on...

SALLY: Yes Martin, I know what they are, I know what they're for and I know where they go. You don't have to be so coarse about it. Anyway they're condoms.

MARTIN: When I was a lad they were johnnies.

SALLY: Well they're condoms now.

MARTIN: They've only been condoms since we've had AIDS.

SALLY: What about them anyway? Are you trying to tell me something?

MARTIN: I'd just like to know what possible reason a married woman who's on the pill has for carrying condoms.

SALLY: Why do you think?

MARTIN: I don't know that's why I'm asking.

SALLY: I think you've made up your mind.

MARTIN: And there's one missing.

SALLY: Oh my God, no!

ASSUMES VOICE OF NEWS-READER.

MARTIN: Are you just going to arse around all night or are you going to tell me?

SALLY: (wearily) Yes Martin, I'll tell you.

MARTIN: About the missing condom?

SALLY: It's in my purse which I carry everywhere.

MARTIN: Why?

SALLY: It has my money and credit cards in it.

MARTIN: (through clenched teeth) Why the condom?

SALLY: I don't think you'd understand.

MARTIN: Try me.

SALLY: As a man you probably don't realise that thousands of women walk round this country every day in fear of being raped.

MARTIN: I know that.

SALLY: When was the last time you were scared of being raped on the way home from the pub?

MARTIN: Yeah OK.

SALLY: At one time women who'd been raped only had an wanted pregnancy or VD to worry about but now it could be a death sentence.

MARTIN: What do you mean?

SALLY: I could be raped by someone who has AIDS.

MARTIN: You mean you'd…?

SALLY: Yeah, if I was about to be raped I'd ask ever so politely if he'd mind wearing a condom. OK?

MARTIN: I don't know what to say.

SALLY: Or do you think rapists carry their own.

ASSUMES ROUGH ACCENT

MARTIN: You'd just let it happen?

SALLY: Of course I would. Come on big boy give it to me. Oh that's so good. I can really feel you inside me. Oh yes, make me come but please don't kill me afterwards.

MARTIN: That's disgusting.

SALLY: Men like you make me sick.

MARTIN: I'm sorry. I didn't mean you'd enjoy it.

SALLY: Yeah well. Can I go to bed now?

MARTIN: Yeah sure.

AS THEY TURN TO GO.

So, it's in your bag then?

SALLY: Here.

SHE THROWS HER BAG AT HIM. IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

Have a look. You obviously don't trust me at all.

SHE EXITS

MARTIN PICKS UP THE BAG AND STANDS CLUTCHING IT TO HIS CHEST. BLACKOUT.

ACT 2 SCENE 6

THE PRESENT. THEY ARE ONCE AGAIN SITTING OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.

SALLY: Did you look in my bag that night after I'd gone upstairs?

MARTIN: No.

SALLY: You believed me?

MARTIN: No.

SALLY: Why didn't you look?

MARTIN: I wasn’t ready to be proved right. So?

SALLY: So what?

MARTIN: Would I have found the missing condom in your bag?

SALLY: No.

MARTIN: Who was it?

SALLY: You want to know?

MARTIN: (suddenly tired of the game) I know who it was.

SALLY: Do you?

MARTIN: My best mate Dave. Dave, my best man. The best man but not the better man.

SALLY: How do you know?

MARTIN: After we split up he told me. Told me I was well shut because you were a bit of a tart.

SALLY: Bastard. What did you say?

MARTIN: Nothing. I haven't spoken to him since.

SALLY: You never said anything to me.

MARTIN: No point.

THEY ARE QUIET FOR A MOMENT.

SALLY: I've got something to tell you.

MARTIN: You want to come back?

SALLY: What?

MARTIN: I'm joking. What is it?

SALLY: I'm pregnant.

MARTIN: I must have some good juice inside me.

SALLY: That's one of the thing I love about you.

MARTIN: My ability to get you pregnant at the first

time of trying in three years?

SALLY: Your sense of humour.

MARTIN: Does Geoff know?

SALLY: Not yet. He'll probably throw me out when he finds out.

MARTIN: If he does you could do worse than come back here.

SALLY: I'm fed up Martin. Not hard up.

MARTIN: Another drink (BEAT) saucer of milk perhaps?

SALLY: Sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. I just don't think it would be a good idea for us to get together again. I'm a happily married woman. A happily married pregnant woman.

MARTIN: But I'm OK to give you a good shagging?

SALLY: I knew that wasn't a good idea.

MARTIN: It was at the time. You couldn't get your knickers off fast enough.

SALLY: Perhaps Dave was right Maybe I am a bit of a tart…

MARTIN: I just put it down to my irresistible charm.

SALLY: I was going to put it down to my hormones.

MARTIN: As soon as I saw you this morning I wanted you.

SALLY: Me too.

MARTIN: You look gorgeous in black. Always did. Really?

SALLY: Yeah.

MARTIN: Are you really happy with Geoff?

SALLY: No, not really but it's what I'm sticking with.

MARTIN: Why couldn't we try again?

SALLY: I think we’re far better off as friends, don’t you?

MARTIN: (wistful) You're right as usual - too many things have changed.

SALLY: (Checking watch) I really should be going Martin.

MARTIN: Why don't you stay the night?

SALLY: It’s only postponing the inevitable.

MARTIN: I know, but…

SALLY: But what?

MARTIN: It would be nice to wake up with you again.

SALLY: (Suddenly deciding) OK.

MARTIN: (Amazed) You will?

SALLY: Yeah.

MARTIN: Why?

SALLY: You always were rather good first thing in the

morning.

THEY KISS AND EXIT. 

                         BLACK-OUT.

                         CURTAIN

                         THE END