SCENE:  The throne room of a marble palace.  There is very little furniture.  On the thrones sit Tyndareus and Leda.

LEDA:

I was thinking of decorating.  How does eggshell sound to you for the walls?

TYNDAREUS:

What the gods is eggshell?

LEDA:

It's white, with just the suggestion of light yellow.

TYNDAREUS:

Oh, beige.  Why on earth didn't you say so?  Bloody eggshell?  What's the Queen of Sparta doing using words like 'eggshell'.

LEDA:

Okay, but what do you think?  For the walls, I mean.

TYNDAREUS:

What's wrong with the walls as they are?  They were good enough for my father, and his, and his too, for all I know.

LEDA:

Well, it's just that they look a bit … I don't know … spartan.

TYNDAREUS:

Spartan?  Spartan?  I'm the bloody king of Sparta.  I am the embodiment of Sparta.  I am what Spartan is all about.  What the hell do you think my palace should look like?  Bloody Babylonian?

[LEDA RISES FROM THE THRONE, LOOKING A LITTLE TEARY.]

LEDA:

I'm sorry.  It's alright for you, going off to fight your wars with your drinking buddies, but I have to live here all the time.  I just wanted to, I don't know, feather the nest a little.

[SHE CLAMPS HER HAND TO HER MOUTH]

I can't believe I just said that.

TYNDAREUS:

Oh, for the love of Demeter, not the tears again.  Fine, paint the bloody walls.  Make me a laughing stock.  But I'm not having laminate flooring, and that's final.

[HESITANTLY]

Darling, you know you always said honesty was important in our relationship?

LEDA:

[GUILTILY]  Well, to an extent.  I mean, we don't always have to be totally honest about everything

TYNDAREUS:

[CONFUSED] Really?  Only I was pretty sure you were explicit on that point.  Anyway, I want to be honest with you, in a purely non-judgemental way, and respecting you as a person, and all that.

LEDA:

[RELIEVED]Oh, you want to be honest with me?  Oh, alright.  What is it?

TYNDAREUS:

[HESITANTLY]  You know that I love you for the person you are, and because the priests promised you to me when we were six, and it really doesn't matter to me, but we are royalty, and we have a certain position ….

LEDA:

Just spit it out.

TYNDAREUS:

Do you think you should maybe lay off the honeyed figs a tad?

LEDA:

What?

TYNDAREUS:

It's just that, with you standing there in profile, I can't help but notice that your stomach is a little … tubby?

[TYNDAREUS WINCES AS HE WAITS FOR THE BACKLASH]

[LEDA LOOKS DOWN AT HER STOMACH, THEN LOOKS BACK AT TYNDAREUS GUILTILY]

LEDA:

It's not the figs.

TYNDAREUS:

It's not?

[SHE SHAKES HER HEAD]

LEDA:

It's something less permanent … Daddy.

TYNDAREUS:

Less permanent?  What are you talking about. [REALISATION SLOWLY DAWNS]  Oh, wait!  Daddy?  You mean …?

[LEDA NODS]

Aaaaw, we're going to have a baby!  No wonder you were so broody.

LEDA:

Broody?  You have no idea.

TYNDAREUS:

And it'll be a summer baby too.  That'll be nice.

LEDA:

Umm … It may be a tinsey winsey bit earlier than that.

TYNDAREUS:

No, it can't be, because we were playing away against the Macedonians until … Oh, no!  Don't tell me.  Don't you dare tell me that.

[SHOUTING]  Who?  Who's the father.  I shall kill him.  I shall have him ripped apart by horses.  I shall make him suffer for days.  I'll slow-roast him.  He is gonna get it so bad.  Wait, wait!  He is a Spartan, isn't he?

LEDA:

No ….

TYNDAREUS:

Oh, don't tell me you did it with one of those girly Athenians.

LEDA:

No, not an Athenian.

TYNDAREUS:

Who then?

LEDA:

[QUIETLY] Zeus.

TYNDAREUS:

Zeus?  Zeus?  The god Zeus?  I can't believe this.  A Spartan would be bad enough, but a god?  What were you thinking?  Why on earth would you want sex with a Greek god?

LEDA:

[SUB VOCE]What woman wouldn't?

TYNDAREUS:

What?

LEDA:

Nothing.

TYNDAREUS:

You know how jealous gods get.  If any of his wives find out, we'll be knee deep in locusts.  You should have known better.

LEDA:

It wasn't my fault.  I didn't know he was a god.  He was in disguise.  I thought he was a swan

[PAUSE]

TYNDAREUS:

[QUIETLY]  A swan?  You thought he was a swan.  Oh, that's okay then.  I mean, I would have been pretty angry if you had had sex with a god, but a swan?  [SHOUTING]  A swan?  You were unfaithful with a bird?  What did he say?  Fancy a duck? 

LEDA:

Well, you were off fighting in Macedonia, I was lonely.  And he was magnificent.  A swan can break your nose with a single blow of their wing, you know.

TYNDAREUS:

I'll break more than his nose if I lay my hands on him.  I'll show him what I can do with a fistful of sage and onion.

[HE VISIBLY MAKES AN EFFORT TO CALM DOWN]

No, okay.  We'll deal with this in a civilized manner.  I mean, this isn't the dark ages; this is the age of reason.  We'll just pretend that everything is normal.  It's not going to have feathers, is it?

LEDA:

Zeus told me the baby would be a normal, but more attractive than any mortal in history.

TYNDAREUS:

I don't suppose he mentioned maintenance payments, by any chance?  No?  Typical!

[LEDA GRABS AT HER STOMACH]

LEDA:

Oh!  I think it's my time.

[SHE LAYS DOWN, OUT OF SIGHT BEHIND THE DAIS.  TYNDAREUS HOVERS AROUND HER, MAKING INEFFECTUAL CONCERNED NOISES AS WE HEAR LEDA'S GRUNTS AND SCREAMS]

TYNDAREUS:

Well?  Well?  Is it a girl or a boy?

LEDA:

[SITTING UP]  Oh, look, Darling.  It's an egg!

[BOTH PARENTS COO OVER THE ENORMOUS EGG]

[END]