I didn’t take the tablets until the girls went to bed, only I didn’t know how they would react.  Jim had nipped out to get his garage sorted out for the next few days, but we knew he would have to go back to work after the funeral.  Money was tight.  I was sat in the living room on my own.  I had been upstairs and got Jamie’s little red coat.  I placed it gently on the arm of the chair, resting my head against it.  The tablets I had taken seemed to have taken all my energy.  I felt as if I had run a marathon.
Suddenly, Jamie was with me.  I could see him so clearly.
“Mummy, I want to be Hulk,” a voice echoed, but it was so far away.
“Come here then.  Where’s my green eye shadow?”
“If you come with me Jamie, you have to hold my hand.”  It was as if someone had rewound a tape.
“Come and give mummy a big kiss.”  I buried my head into his coat.
The living room light came on.  “What are you sitting in the dark for, Jan?” asked Jim.
“I didn’t realise.  Jim, I know you won’t believe this, but I’ve just seen Jamie.  He was smiling.”
“Have you taken your tablets?”
“Yes.  Did you hear what I said, Jim?”
“Love, you didn’t see Jamie.  He’s gone.  I know, let’s have a cuppa and get to bed.  It’s a big day tomorrow.”  He kissed my forehead and went into the kitchen.
I looked at Jamie’s coat.  I could smell him on it.  All mothers know their child’s smell; it’s unique.  All I had left of him now were memories and his coat.
Jim fetched the brews in.  “Here, get that down you.  How do you feel off the tablets?” he enquired.
“Funny.  Sort of not here.  If I’m like this tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll take them.”
“Jan, you’ve got to take them.  The doctor told you it would take time for them to work, so don’t give up on them yet.”
I managed to get some sleep that night.  I was exhausted, but I was continually waking.  Still, I guess it was better than the other nights.
The day we didn’t want to come was here.  During breakfast, Jim and I didn’t really speak.  I think we were both avoiding the inevitable.  The girls were their usual selves, chatting and giggling, slipping toast under the table for the dog when they thought we weren’t looking.
“Jan, I’ve got to go to the garage this morning.”
“Why?  You promised you’d stay off today.”  I slammed my cup on the draining board and started to go upstairs.  
Jim came running after me, took hold of my arms and swung me round to face him.  “I am staying off, love.  It’s this lady; she needs her car picking up.  I’m only going to be a couple of hours.  I’ll stick her car in the garage and come home, I promise.”  He pulled me closely to him for a hug.
“Please Jim, don’t be long.  I don’t want to be on my own – not today.”
“Well I’ll get off now then, and I’ll be back before you know it.”  He walked downstairs, towards the front door.  “Oh Jan, I’ve made the bed.  I found Jamie’s coat in it, so I’ve put it on top of your pillow.”  He smiled gently.
“Thanks Jim.”
I turned and went to get dressed.  I couldn’t decide what to wear that day.  I didn’t want to wear anything bright, because I wasn’t happy.  I settled on one of my black dresses.  The girls came running up.
“Oh mummy, you look beautiful,” Zara said.  “What shall we wear?” she asked.
“Come on, I’m sure there’s lots of pretty dresses in there.”  I pointed to the girls’ wardrobe.
After our usual fashion show, Zara decided on what she was wearing.  Janette was so easy to please.  She loved wearing dungarees or pants.  She was a tomboy.  She often went to the garage with Jim.  When she came shopping with me, it would take us twice as long.  She would pick up every screw or nail along the way, then slip them into her pocket to give to daddy later, for work.
I’d tidied round, made some salads, which I put in the fridge for later.  The girls kept asking to go on the park.  I would’ve taken them, but I was waiting for Jim to come back.  Someone was knocking at the front door.  I thought it was Jim and that he’d left his keys at home.
“Hiya Jan.  I hope you don’t mind, I needed to get some air.”  It was Tommy.
“Come in.”  I moved over so he could pass me.
“I’ve got you these, to show I was thinking about you.”  He handed me six red roses.
“Thanks Tommy, they’re lovely.  Come through and I’ll make us a cuppa.”
The roses smelt so fresh.  He was so thoughtful, even at a time like this.  You could see he was deeply upset; he looked as if he hadn’t slept for days.  His black suit looked sophisticated on him.  He had made such an effort.  I was used to seeing him in an old tee shirt and jeans, which really needed chucking away.
“Do you want a butty or anything?” I asked.
“No thanks Jan, I’m alright.  I needed to get out of that bloody house.  Anyone would think she’s going on a fashion parade, not to a bloody funeral.”  He handed me a fag.
“Why?  What do you mean?”
“She’s been running round all the neighbours and lending all their clothes.  I bet she doesn’t know who’s lent her what.  She’s only been to see Jamie that once when you went up.  I thought maybe you’ve changed your mind.  You and Jim could come with me.”
I took a hard drag of my fag.  “No Tom, we’re not going.  Well, when I say not going, I mean we are, but later – you know, when everyone’s gone.”
“Well, if you’re sure.  Do I look decent enough?” he asked.
“You look brill,” I smiled to reassure him.
“I don’t want to let him down.  I was his uncle.”  You could see so much hurt in his eyes.
“Jamie would be proud of you, and probably still is.”  I put my arms out to him.  We held one another – not in the way lovers do, but in a way you let people know you care.
The front door opened.  It was Jim, with another bunch of flowers.  “I told you I’d be back.  Here love, I got you some flowers.  Is there one in the pot for me?   You look smart, Tom.”
“Do you want me to go?” Tommy asked.  I think he felt uncomfortable.
“No, don’t be daft.  I’m glad you came round, it’s kept Jan company.”  Jim noticed the roses on the windowsill.  “They’re nice.  Where did they come from?”
“Tommy fetched them me.  I thought they would look nice there, so do you mind if we put your flowers on Jamie's grave? He deserves them.”
"No, 'course not," Jim answered.
There seemed to be a silence when Jim said, “I’ve dropped our wreath off on my way home, Tom.”
“Is it nice Jim?  Did you write on the card?”
“Yes love, it’s beautiful.  I’ve got to tell you Tom, I’ve written ‘From mummy and daddy and your sisters’ on it.”  We both looked at Tommy.
“Good,” Tommy smiled.  “So you should.  It’s the truth, and I’ll make sure they go on top of the coffin with Tina’s.  I promise, Jan.  I’ll have to get off soon, I’ve only got an hour.”  He got up and gave me a hug, then kissed my cheek.  “Can I call round tonight?”
I nodded my head and said, “Certainly.”
He shook Jim’s hand and thanked us again for all we had done for Jamie, but in my mind that’s what parents do.  To me, children are a gift from God.  They look to you for all the answers, to fulfil their dreams and wishes.  I was so glad that from the time we had Jamie, to the time Tina took him back he had found happiness, even if it was for such a short time.  He was truly loved by us.  We didn’t need thanking.  As Tommy reached the front door, I shouted to him to wait.  I took one of the roses he had given us and asked him if he would put it into Jamie’s grave.  He agreed.  The house was quiet again.  Jim asked if I was sure about not going to the funeral.  I said yes.
The girls were still asking to go on the park.  They had no idea what was happening in an hour’s time.  “Please daddy, pleeease, can we?”  They were both looking up at Jim.
“Go on then, for half an hour.”  I told Jim I didn’t feel like it, I wanted a bit of peace.  He was good.  I mean, he was going through this just as much as me.  Did he really have to sort the garage out, or did he need time on his own?  “Here love, take this.”  He handed me one of the nerve pills and a glass of water.
“I was going to get it later, Jim.  They make me feel disoriented, like everything’s echoing.”
“Take it Jan.”  He stood watching me.  I didn’t really have a choice.  “Right, come on girls.  Kiss mummy. You sure you’ll be alright?”
“’Course I will.  Give us a kiss and don’t let the kids climb.”  He looked at me in that silly way, with his head tilting forward as if to say, ‘I’m the dad, I always watch them.’
I went upstairs and sat on the bed.  I took hold of Jamie’s little coat and began to cry.  I had a mental picture in my head of what the funeral would be like, with me looking on from a distance.  I’m not a religious person, but I do pray and believe in God.  I prayed for our little boy so hard, I hope God heard me.  Suddenly I needed to go out.  I wrote Jim a quick note saying I wouldn’t be long, not to worry.  I grabbed my bag and jacket.  The next thing, I was walking over the field on our estate.  I hadn’t been round this way since we moved.  It was a good twenty minutes walk from our house.  I could hear someone shouting me, “Jan, Jan.  Wait, I’ll walk with you.”
I looked round. It was one of the mothers from the school.  I didn’t really have much to say.  I felt a bit like a zombie, like I was going through the motions.
“Oh Jan, I’m so sorry about Jamie,” she began.  “I don’t know how that slapper ever got him back.  She was waiting for me to give her all the details.  Well she’ll have a long wait, I thought.  “Is it right she was a prostitute, only my mate said she was, abroad?”  We reached the shops.  “Are you going in here?”  She stood to one side.
“No,” I murmured.  I could see Tina’s house from where I stood.  I don’t think the woman talking to me noticed.  I could see people going in and out, taking flowers.  Tommy was stood on the front step, having a fag.
She began again.  “You know, she wants locking up.  I mean, who’d let a baby of three play out on his own?  She doesn’t deserve kids.”  Her voice sounded so far away, as if I had turned the volume down low.  “I can’t imagine seeing him in his little coffin.  It would kill me.”
Suddenly, the funeral cars came round the corner.  I could see so clearly.  His tiny coffin was lost in such a big car.  There were no flowers.  Why?  Why were there no flowers?  I felt that familiar ball in my throat again.  I opened my mouth as if to scream.  Nothing came out.
“Oh, look Jan,” she said, “he’s there.  Oh, what a shame.  You’re so brave - I couldn’t be like you.  Do you think you’ll ever take someone else’s child?  You know, adopt properly?”
Suddenly I looked straight at her.  “Why don’t you shut your gob and piss off.  You haven’t got a clue.  Go on, piss off.”
She seemed stunned, but I didn’t care.  She walked away, but kept looking back.
The undertakers were bringing flowers out and putting them in the hearse with Jamie.  There was no sign of Tina.  Tommy walked over to the car and stood looking in.  The lady from the cake shop asked if I was all right and said how sad it had all turned out.  Tommy looked over at the shops.  I know he saw me, but he respected my privacy and left me alone.
People started coming out and getting into the first black car behind Jamie.  Tina was with her mum, then Tommy and his two brothers.  Other people were getting into their own cars to follow.  Tommy sat in the back, near the window.  He was looking straight at me.  I could see so much pain in his eyes.  I shook my head as if to say, ‘don’t tell them I’m here.’  He looked away; I suppose not to draw attention towards me.  I wanted to run over and stop the hearse from making that dreadful last journey; it was so final.
Slowly, the hearse began to move.  The other cars followed.  It was suddenly as if I was looking back on the day Tina took Jamie away from us.  Slowly the car went round the corner.  I could see the side view of his coffin.  I imagined him shouting, “No, mummy.  I want my mummy,”….and hearing his voice die out in the distance.  They were the last words our little boy ever spoke to us.
And yet, at the end, even in his final moments, he still wanted his mummy – me.
The next thing I recall was the old lady from the cake shop.  “Here Jan love, get this down you.”  She handed me a neat whisky, sort of pushed it up to my lips.  I had no option but to drink it.  “Oh love, you should’ve stayed at home.  Where’s Jim?  Are you here alone, Jan?”  She wiped my face with a flannel. She was so kind.
“I don’t know why I came here.  I should’ve gone with Jim.  He’s took the girls to the park.”  I kept wiping my tears on my cardigan.  “He looked so lost, so alone.  It was like he was calling out to me.  I’ll be okay in a minute.  I’m sorry for all this.  You’re so kind.”  I stood up off the stool she had brought from behind her counter.
“Jan, if you hang on, my husband’s back soon.  He’ll run you home.”
I reached over, took her hands and held them so tightly.  “No, I’ve been enough trouble.  I’m fine, really.  I’ll go straight home.”  I gave her a hug and thanked her.
“Well, look love, leave your phone number and I’ll phone you later, to see how you are.”  She gave me a pen and paper.  I obliged, thanked her again and left.
I don’t even remember reaching home.  You know, like when you go somewhere and don’t remember the journey.
“Hiya love.  The kids loved it on the park.  Sorry they’re a bit black, but I left them to it.  Where have you been?”
“For a walk.  Have you had them salads yet?”  I asked, walking into the kitchen.
“No, I thought we’d wait for you.  Do you need any help?”
“No, I’ve only got to set the table and brew up.  You sit down and have a rest. I’ll manage.”
We were all very quiet during the meal, even the girls.  It was as if they knew.  “I’ve asked Mary to mind the girls later, Jim, so we can go to the cemetery.  You don’t mind, do you?  I don’t think they should come today.”  I collected the plates.  Jim followed me into the kitchen.
“Come here love, give us a cuddle.”  He put his arms around me.  “Are you all right, love?  Have you had your tablets?  You’re shaking.”
“Not yet.  I thought I’d wait until I’ve eaten.”
Jim walked off.  I began to wash the pots.  The girls went to play upstairs.  “Here.”  He shoved a pill and a glass of water in my hand.  “Get it took.”  I stood rigid on the spot.  I wanted to tell him to shove it up his backside, that they didn’t make me feel better, they didn’t take the hurt away.  “Come on, Jan.  Take it.  Please.”  
I placed the tablet in my mouth, then swigged the water.  “There.  Satisfied?”  I turned to finish washing up.
“I’m just as anxious as you.  I don’t want to go to the cemetery, but we will get through it.  Why don’t you go and have a lie down, you look done in.”
“I’m all right love.  Let’s go and sit in the living room.”
We sat together.  Nothing was being said, then Jim started to read last night’s paper.  I was remembering some of the things Jamie and the girls had done, how much fun they all had playing together.  Suddenly, the phone rang.  Jim picked up the receiver.
“Hello?  Oh hello love, how are you?  Jan?  Yes, she’s here.” I was trying to work out who it was. “No, she didn’t tell me.”  He listened for a little while, but kept looking at me.  “Thank you.  Thanks for ringing to check she’s okay.  Yes, I’ll tell her.  ‘Bye.”  He put the phone down.  “Do you know who that was?” he asked.
“No, I haven’t got a crystal ball.”
“Well, I’ll tell you.  It was the old lady from the cake shop.  She said you were very upset to see Jamie’s coffin, that she took you into her shop and that she’s worried about you.”  He glared at me.  I could see he was angry.  “Well?” he demanded.
“Well what?”
“Why won’t you talk to me, Jan?  How can I help you if you won’t tell me?”
“For God’s sake, how the bloody hell can you help me?”
“I’m hurting too.  He was my son too.”  He began to cry.
I ran over to him.  “I’m sorry Jim, I’m sorry.  I ended up there, that’s all I know.  It’s them bloody pills.”  We held each other tightly and cried.
I was sat having a fag.  Jim went to brew up.  “Was there many there?”  He passed me my cup.
“Well yes.  He only had one funeral car though.  He looked so small Jim, so small.”
“Did they look clean?  You know, like they’d made an effort?”
“Yes, they looked tidy – well, for them, you know.”
A knock came to the front window.  “Come in.”  The door opened.  It was Tommy. “I’ve come to tell you where Jamie’s buried.”
“Sit down, I’ve just brewed.”  Jim went to the kitchen.
Tommy crashed his fags.  “He’s got loads of flowers.  Some have got poems on.  They’ve all gone to the pub.  I couldn’t face it.”  He gulped his tea.  We could see he had been crying.  “Have you been up there before?” he asked.
“Yeh, a few times,” Jim said.
“Right, then.  You know the big gates when you go in?  Turn right there and follow the path, take your third little lane on the right and he’s about three graves away from the water pump.  That’s handy.  You can get your water for the flowers as you pass.”  He dragged on his cigarette.  “In fact, straight a-facing is the Jewish cemetery.”
Me and Jim looked at each other.  “What time does it close?” I asked.
“About six, so if you’re going you’d better get your skates on.”  He said it as if we were going to the pictures or something.
The door opened and Mary came in.  “Hiya.”  She threw her coat on the chair. “Where’s the kids?”
“They’re playing upstairs.  I’ve told them I’m going out with Jim and that you’re looking after them.”
“Good.  Now I’ll go and make myself a brew before you go.  How are you, Tommy?” she asked.
“Not bad, Mary.  I’m going soon.”
“You don’t have to go on my account.”  She walked through to the kitchen.  I went through to her.  “Are you all right Jan?” she whispered, so as not to let the others hear.
“I’ll feel better when I’ve been up there, but I must say, I’m not looking forward to it.”
She gave me a hug.  “Go on, get off.  The kids will be fine.  I’ll have a brew waiting for you when you get back.”
On the way through, I got mine and Jim’s coats.  “Are you ready Jim?” I shouted.
“Ready as I’ll ever be”
I passed him his coat.  “Thanks for calling round, Tommy.  We wouldn’t’ve known where Jamie was resting, only for you.”
“That’s okay Jan.  I saw you today.  You know, when you were at the shops. You should’ve been in that car with us, not her.  She’s on about going back to France in a week or two.”
“Already?”  I felt stunned.  “Why?  You’d think she’d want to stay here in England for awhile.”
“Jan,” Jim interrupted.  “Come on love, we really should be going.  They’ll be closing soon.”
All three of us went to the front door.  “I won’t be long, Mary.  I’ll see you, Tommy.”  Tommy walked off down the road.  I was just getting into the car when I remembered Jamie’s flowers.  They were on the kitchen table.  “Hang on Jim, I’ve forgot something.”  I ran up the path to the house.
Mary was stood on the step.  “Here, they’re lovely.  Now bugger off,” she smiled.
It was about a fifteen-minute drive to the cemetery.  There are quite a lot of posh houses near it.  I remember thinking how peaceful the area was, and so near the countryside.  I would love to live near there, but it’s only for money people.  Jim indicated to turn left.  We went in through the big iron gates.  As you drive down to the car park it’s like a country lane, lined with ferns and trees, some of them so tall you could tell they had been there forever.  Jim parked up and turned the engine off.  He patted my knee.
“Come on love, we’re here.” We held hands as we followed Tommy’s instructions.  Jim was trying to act normal, trying to have a conversation, almost as if we were going for a walk.  “Them flowers are lovely Jan.  Oh look, that must be the Jewish cemetery.”
I squeezed his hand.  “Shhh, listen how quiet it is.”
It was so peaceful.  My heels were clicking on the gravel path, and the sound was echoing.  I could almost hear my heart beating.  In the distance I could see three new graves.  All the flowers and wreaths were piled on top of the graves.
“There it is, Jan.  Over there.”  Jim pointed over to my left.  “I can see the place where you get water.”
Slowly, we reached the watering place.  There were two new graves nearly together.  We had to walk over some older graves to get to Jamie.  It didn’t feel right.  You know, as if we were being disrespectful.
“Which one is it?” I asked.
Jim bent down to read one of the cards on the flowers.  “It’s not this one love.  It must be that one.”  He pointed to one a bit further down.
As we approached, I bent down to read one of the cards.  It read….To my precious little boy.  Now you are an angel.  Sleep quietly.  Love, mummy.  It was off Tina.  I nodded, to let Jim know we had found Jamie.  He had a lot of flowers, mostly off people from the estate.
“There’s ours, Jan,” Jim pointed.
I was looking around to see if there were any other people about, but it was deserted.  Jim knelt down and began reading all the tributes.  Some of them he read out loud, but I wasn’t really listening.  I remember feeling so empty, asking why over and over again, in my mind.  I kept picturing our little boy lying in that box, being so cold, and now he had all that earth on top of him.  I began to cry and just dropped on my knees.  Jim reached over from the other side of the flowers for my hands and we both went to pieces.  I don’t know how long we were there, but in the distance we could see a man waiting at the gates.
“Here, give me the flowers, love.  I’ll put them in that pot, with the others.”  Jim took the flowers out of my hand.  “Well son, we have to go now.  The man’s waiting to close, but we’ll come back and see you soon.”  He stood.  “Jan, say goodbye love.  We’ve got to go.”
“I can’t.  I can’t leave him here, all on his own.  It’s strange; he’ll be scared.  What about when it goes dark?  He’s like me, Jim.  He’s afraid of it.”
Jim put his arms around me and lifted me to my feet.  “He’ll be fine love, honest.  He’s in a good place now, he’ll never be afraid again.  He wouldn’t want you to feel like that, now would he?”  He wiped my tears away with a tissue he had brought.
“Wait Jim.  Just let me talk to him.  Please, I won’t be long.  You walk over to the man, I’ll catch up.  I promise.  Please.”  Jim started to walk on, slowly.
I knelt down and once again I told Jamie how much I loved him, how very much his sisters missed and loved him, that I wished God would let me hold him in my arms one last time, so that I could say goodbye properly, smell his hair, look into those beautiful brown eyes and feel his soft skin next to mine, as he put his cheek next to mine.  Just to hear him say, “I love you, mummy.”  For him to tread mud in, out of the garden, onto my clean kitchen floor and say, “I’m solly mummy,” and smile.  I told him how sorry I was for letting him down, for not being there and no matter how long on this earth I lived, I would never, never forget him, I would always, always love him.  Suddenly a soft breeze of air blew gently past my cheek.  I felt a calmness within me.  It was almost as if my son had kissed my cheek, telling me he was happy.
I began walking away.  I could see Jim and the man waiting at the gate, in the distance.  I walked slowly, looking back over my shoulder every other step.  I didn’t want to leave Jamie, but somehow it was as if he was with me.  I could see him so clearly in my mind, being Hulk and giggling because he thought he had frightened us all.
I looked back and as if telepathically, I said, “I love you Jamie.”
He answered so sweetly, “I love you too, mummy.”