Part two of two. The first can be found at:
http://www.greatwriting.co.uk/content/view/9696/77/
A brief reminder:Based loosely on events that occurred about a year ago. Ed and Kath receive many obscene, threatening and frightening phone calls in the middle of the night. The caller thinks the family is Jewish, they’re not. He threatens to rape Ed and Kath’s daughter. Ringing 1471 only ever elicits a response of, ‘This number has been withheld,’ until the caller has to use his mobile and forgets. At last, Ed has a lead.
This part is purely fictional.
You probably need to have read the first part to get the ending.
Strong language, violence.
(Unsure about the very last part of this – opinions on that, or indeed anything else, are welcome.)
Eugene put his mobile on the coffee table.
‘Shit.'
He'd always been careful to withhold his number when using the landline, but when that Jewish bastard Banks blocked his number, he'd used his mobile. Whether it was because the routine was different or not he couldn't say, but this time, he'd forgotten.
‘Fuckin' shit!'
The mobile started to vibrate. Eugene picked it up and looked at the display - Number withheld. He answered the call.
‘Got you now, you fuck. I'm coming after you.'
No time for a reply, just a simple statement and then the line went dead.
Eugene sat back, sweat breaking out on his forehead. But why should he worry? That Jewish cunt still didn't know who he was. All he had was his mobile number. No problem, first thing in the morning he'd buy a new SIM card.
--X--
Ed sat at the computer tapping in his credit card number. Reverse directories might be illegal in this country, but thanks to the internet, that wasn't relevant. In three minutes he'd got a name and address for the account holder of the mobile number he'd written down. A quick look in the phone book confirmed the same name at the same address. Just three miles down the road was Hatred Central. Eugene, even now Ed still thought of his tormentor as Eugene, was probably still in bed - only a five minute drive away.
‘Just popping out for a paper, Kath,' shouted Ed.
Good as his word, Ed picked up a paper, then drove on to park opposite Eugene's house. The brick built, ordinary looking semi sat there innocently enough: well maintained, neat front garden.
Ed opened the paper and started to read. With any luck, Eugene might make an appearance. Hatred was one thing, but it gave rise to many other feelings, a need to know more about him was one.
Finishing the sport's pages, Ed looked up to see a middle aged man open the front door and set off up the path and then down the street. His average height, build and ordinary clothes disappeared around the corner. Not giving himself time to think, Ed got out of the car and knocked on the front door. No answer.
--X--
New SIM card purchased and inserted, Eugene strolled back home. Those Paki bastards sold everything now: newspapers, booze, even SIM cards. The dirty bastards would be taking over soon. Not that he wanted to spend too much time worrying about that just yet. He had other things to do.
He put the kettle on and picked up his mobile phone. Carefully making sure he‘d withheld his own number he dialled in those familiar digits.
‘Ya fuckin' dirty bitch. Wash yer' twat after that Jewish wanker's been up yer.
‘Fuck.'
He dialled again.
‘Don't fuckin' hang up on me bitch. Tomorrow it's yer daughter. I'm gonna have the slag.'
--X--
The sound of Eugene threatening his daughter again exploded in Ed's mind.
‘Bastard,' he screamed and rushed at Eugene.
Hands straight to his neck, Ed's momentum carried Eugene backwards and crashed him head first into the tiled wall. There was no resistance and Ed let go. Eugene slumped to the floor leaving blood smeared on the tiles.
Eugene wasn't dead. Even through his rage, Ed knew that from the rise and fall of his chest. His phone lay on the floor next to him. Eugene, phone, Alexander Graham Bell. Unbidden, neural pathways fired in Ed's brain. He opened the nearest draw and took out a cheap serrated knife.
--X-- --X--
Bruce William Charters, aka Eugene, lays in a spreading pool of blood - the result of his own emasculation. He chokes, then coughs out his own testicles. He reaches for his phone, sees it's smashed and slumps back.
The front door closes as the kettle boils.
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Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 12th July 2007 | You created a clear scene. Well written and giving a good image of the characters. Yet I expected something more about the end. something that showed that either Ed had some darker secret (OK, he has now...), or Ed humiliating Eugene with words rather than (or next to) cutting off his equipment. When I read the first part I hoped Ed or his wife to be an Israeli secret agent or something | Aaaaaarrgh! Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 12th July 2007 | You don't do it by halves do you Phil? So not only does he get his bollocks chopped off, it's done with a cheap serrated knife. Eye-watering stuff! I like the story but this half reads a bit rushed at times, and the ending seems to come a bit too quickly. I can't help feeling you could really build up the suspense by expanding the story. Perhaps you could say more about what was going through the characters' heads, for example did Ed have another plan in mind? Was there anything else in the draw? And was he sure he'd got the right man? Although Eugene's comeuppance was a bit extreme it's probably no worse than he'd wish on others. Cheers, Ben | Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 12th July 2007 | Thanks both. Ben, I was a little worried about the sparseness of the narrative, but it was deliberate. I didn't really want to get into descriptive narrative. I cut out most of the little I put in. You may have a point in that I've gone a bit too far in this. In many ways, it was an exercise in show, not tell. That's why I'm glad you caught the cheap, serrated knife. Phil. | golly... Written by patterjack (1179 comments posted) 12th July 2007 | ... between you and Oli ..... ouch patterjack | HI Phil Written by jean.day (2266 comments posted) 12th July 2007 | Well you told us to expect it to be pretty bloody, and it was. Sweet revenge, I expect, and no doubt he felt himself justified, but it does seem a bit extreme to me. Somehow in a court of law, if Eugene should take it there, I don't think Ed would get much sympathy. Well written of course, and I'm sure you felt better for writing it. | Written by stevetroster (1549 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | I found this to be a little rushed, and although you were performing an exercise in ‘show not tell’, there were areas where you neither showed nor told. For example, how did Ed come to be in Eugene’s kitchen?. There is also another case of two pieces of dialogue from the same character without any link or break, which only helps to confuse the reader. ‘Ya fuckin' dirty bitch. Wash yer' twat after that Jewish wanker's been up yer. ‘Fuck.' A simple - ‘The line went dead’ - would suffice. Like fledermaus and Jean Day, I too felt that Ed’s revenge was too severe, as well as being very similar to Janie’s ‘dirty old man’ story! Perhaps Ed could have woken up with a pain in his bloody groin, and upon reaching out for his mobile phone to call for an ambulance, he discovered his foreskin wrapped around it. Couple of typo/grammatical issues: ‘Not that he wanted to spend too much time worrying out (about) that just yet’. ‘In three minutes he'd got a name and address (for the account holder of the mobile number he'd written down - is superfluous). Best wishes Steve.
| Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | Thanks for the typo. For now I'd like to leave the rest - particularly the sparseness - including that of speech direction and how Ed came to be in the house. It should be implicit. As for the extreme reaction of Ed - it is fiction. The idea came from reading about Alexander Graham Bell's opinions about eugenics. Circumcision doesn't stop anyone breeding - castration does. Maybe far fetched, but that's where it came from. Thanks for reading Phil | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | I didn't know you could do things like that on the internet. I like stories where people do clever things on the web.I thougth it started really well but must agree the ending seemed rushed and poorly staged. I too wondered how he suddenly appeared in Eugene's house after arriving at the door.and the final part was too OTT. There seems to be a rule in dramas now [on TV anyway] that the punishment must now exceed the crime for the sake of sensation. This was an ordinary guy and it was a cold blooded action. The initial attack I could buy into but Eugene had not attacked his daughter only threatened and I don't think Ed could have changed so radically. Yes the ending leaves you with a sharp intake of breath but at the expense of plot and character. Just my opinion, no offence intended I thought it merited a full critique. cheers jane | Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | Well as you stated the first part of this was not fictional, but clearly, one would imagine the second part is. Whoever Eugene was (figuratively speaking) I can imagine he really pissed you off. I loved this. Still think you should have waited to finish the lot before posting as you created a create tension in the first and a superb pace in the second. Combined it would have made for a brilliant read. I loved the violence in as much as it was real - no leaping over kitchen sinks or drop shotting coffee cups to take out the baddie, just straight unadulterated rage. The only thing that strikes me about this, is that I was never at any time emotionally involved. I knew Eds frustration and anger but didn't feel it, knew Eugene's narrow-minded aloofness without feeling frustrated or the fear those types tend to thrive off. Not sure whether that is a a result of the length or the perspective, but it is not a failing. Well crafted story, tension and superb pace. Great stuff. | Written by johniebg (538 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | PS .. as far as Ed just being in Eugene's kitchen. I generally don't comment on other comments as a rule ... Am going to make an exception. This is fiction fur fecks sake, I thought of about 50 different reasons why he was there (ktichen) and it seemed cool. Eug. was just down the shops, I sometimes even leave my front door open, certainly might my back door and any number of windows. If everthing was explained it would be a shite read - Stephen King would not be nearly as popular (and his books even longer) and the work of the IMAGINATION surely under-sold. That is why we have the medium >>>fiction | Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | Cheers Johnnie. I'm glad it worked for you. None taken at all Jane. Thanks for the crit. It does need thinking about. Perhaps the style of the story can't carry off the end. The problem is, I had the ending before I even started the piece. Unusual for me - I normally start and see what happens. | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | I don't usually comment on other comments either and I'm not going to make an exeption here......... Glad we're still pals,Phil. jane | Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | Powerful stuff Phil and I think most of it has been said. I do however agree with Jane with regard to Ed`s sudden appearance in the house. I think I may have put something like `Ed got out of his car and knocked on the front door. No answer. Looking round, and blessing all the TV cop shows, he gently slid his credit card between yale lock and door frame.` Chilling read and I`m still clutching my groin.... Cheers Roger | Careful with that axe, Eugene. Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | I come late to this Phil but both a worthwhile read most decidedly. Some original thinking here. For what is worth my take is that the idea really has got legs. Execution still needs some thought, like, for example 'What is it for?' I continue to believe that whilest you can, on a daily basis, sometimes contribite to the triumph of quantity over quality that so often undermines this forum, when you put your mind to it, you can also come up with some serious potential. Certainly alongside the School Poems and the Fabulous Phlegm ! Big question is 'What are you going to do with it?' Emphatically worth developing. Nice business in embryo. Slan! | Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 14th July 2007 | Both the parts were very well written, although i felt that the end here is a little rushed. And also i felt that the abuses hurled at Pakis was unnecessary, as they were never part of the story anyway. The drastic change into a cold-blooded murderer kinda had me thinking too. But loved both the parts. Great going Phil. Regards, TT | Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 14th July 2007 | Thanks Gerard. Got me thinking. In its present form, not commercial at all. I've been meaning to have a serious go at a TV play script, perhaps this could be the basis for that. Cheers TT. I was worried about the racial aspect, just thrown in to further demonstrate Eugene's bigoted nature. Perhaps a step too far. (These views certainly do not reflect my own.) It seems I'll have to think long and hard about the ending - there seems to be consensus. Phil. | Written by Asferthecat (834 comments posted) 14th July 2007 | Re the ending. Perhaps Eugene could put on a the gas ring (to boil an egg or something). Ed could bang on the door and yell abuse through the letter box. Eugene could turn so quickly he slips and falls and bangs his head then lie unconscious as the kitchen fills with gas (shades of a gas chamber). Ed could look through the kitchen window, see what has happened and -moral dillemma - walk away. Then as he heads for home he could hear a distant explosion. Would this be a bit more subtle than castration? | Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 17th July 2007 | You certainly don't do things by halves. Very succinct and well written. The ending was a little gruesome for me and perhaps a little unbelievable, but it as after all fiction! Eugene was a delightfully loathsome character. I almost felt sorry for him in then end. And sorry for Ed, that for all his suffering he's probably be the one to be punished. Ed i know you were angry but think with your head, not your fists! The ending wasn’t my cup of tea, but was well fitting with the style of the piece. Raced through the two parts, great read p.s- hope you caught the guy calling your family!! | Written by JourneyAtNight (314 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 | Sorry, got to this a little late... ...but ouch! He had it coming I suppose. I always find that when there are two acts of abuse, the one incluing violence will usually be the one that disturbs people more - even if they are both essentially as bad as the other. So although Eugene probably deserved what happend to him, I think at first, people will be more horrifed with what Ed did, which sort of ties in with what Jean said above - Ed probably wouldn't get much sympathy in a court of law. A gripping read though, espcially towards the end - had my breath held through most of it! Esra | Just read this, and the previous part... Written by SammoR (111 comments posted) 1st August 2007 | Hmm - having read this, no wonder you were the only person so far to review It Cuts Both Ways! I found this a gripping read - as to whether the ending is disproportionate, well, the jury's out. Main problem is - Eugene never did anything but make threats. There was no real indication whether Ed's family were at risk at all. Had Eugene attacked the daughter - whether or not there was an actual rape - then the er, operation might have seemed more deserved. But like JBG said - it's fiction! |
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