Maybe the first in a series. Maybe not.
FADE IN:
EXT. COUNCIL ALLOTMENT - DAY
Ted and Arthur, two old lads in their late sixties, are taking a break from toiling on their allotments. They sit down on a bench in front of a shed and there is silence for a second or two.
TED Arthur.
ARTHUR Ted.
TED What's to do then?
ARTHUR (Unscrewing flask)
I had a bit 'o news this morning.
TED Aye?
ARTHUR (Pouring coffee)
Aye. (beat) Ar lass wants a divorce!
TED (unscrewing flask) You lucky bugger.
ARTHUR (Drinking coffee) Unreasonable behaviour.
TED (Pouring coffee) I do a lot o' that apparently.
(beat) Were it that lass from pub?
ARTHUR (Searching pockets) Lucy? Aye. It were nobbut a bit o'
fun.
TED (Drinking coffee) They're funny like that, women. No
sense o' fun.
ARTHUR (Rolling cigarette) Least I'll be able to put my feet
up on sofa now.
TED (Searching pockets) I had a bit o' news mesen this
morning.
ARTHUR (Lighting cigarette) Aye?
TED (rolling cigarette) Ar lass wants one o' them sex
change operations.
ARTHUR (Taking long drag on cigarette) That shouldn't take long.
TED (Lighting cigarette and pointing)
There's young Alan ovver theer.
ARTHUR (screwing top on flask)
He had some reet devastating news this week.
TED (taking long drag on cigarettes)
That business wi' his missus playing away?
ARTHUR (taking long drag on cigarette)
Worse than that. (BEAT) He's got bloody carrot fly.
FADE OUT:
THE END
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
We're sort of in "Unclle Mort" territory here. Some good dialogue with sharp throwaway lines and the direction actually added to the humour and made it more visual.
It was a bit too short and slight, though. It felt like an introduction to the characters.I'd like to see what your are going to do with it.
cheers
Jane |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
| Thanks Jane. Spot on with your assessment. Just testing the characters to see if they take off with a life of their own. |
Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
Lovely characters, enjoyed. Would endorse what Jane has said.
Phil |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
| Thanks Phil. I'm working on them and thinking about some others. |
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
This has the makings of a nice gentle bit of humour Seagull, and I`m sure it would be well worth drawing your characters out. Go for it!
regards
Roger |
Just an idea ...........
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
..... but since you asked about the Village, is it possible to write these two (highly plausible) Old Codgers into an allotment 'over there'??
I remember the TV series "Bread" had a number of very funny sub-plots involving an allotment ....!!   |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 14th July 2007 |
I wasn't sure what the accent was at first, maybe you could mention that in the introduction.
Otherwise, sharp dialogue and good characters with some funny lines. Enjoyed. |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 14th July 2007 |
| Thanks for the suggestion; it's a sort of Yorkshire accent. |
Fantastic...
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 15th July 2007 |
... accents. Sketch was OK, but you gotta expand the length and laughs. Of course you're halfway there with Yorkshiremen already; I've been trying to add a little Yorkshire culture hear for over a year now, so additions such as this are always welcome.
Bloody rotten champion.
Givitsum |
Written by wltshr (316 comments posted) 19th July 2007 |
Good stuff.
There needs to be much more of this. A bit nouvelle cuisine when I was hoping for roast beef, yorkshire pud and all t' trimmins.
Regards
Wltshr |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 19th August 2007 |
Well written, gentle comedy with a couple of smiles worth of material and a part where I did laugh out loud:
ARTHUR (Taking long drag on cigarette) That shouldn't take long.
With the others, though; it does read like the introduction to two characters so more of Ted and Arthur would be welcome and appreciated.
Cheers.
|
HI Seagull
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 4th September 2007 |
| I thought this was a good read. Very gentle humour, rather like Last of the Summer Wine. |
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