This poem is based on all those who have been put down.Who have suffered and who are broken.You guys on great writing have been critical about me,and now this poem is to fight back.No typos,no punctuation errors,nothing.
This is going to be my best work on great writing yet.
Sinking feelings,low emotions,feeling useless feeling sick
Keep on running,keep on hiding,from the people who make you feel thick
Don't look back now try and mend your broken heart,then you know the pain will
start.
Mad thoughts flying,people dying,but I really really do not care
Because all I feel is my river of pain,meandering through the air.
I think,I know I'm not alone,maybe I can make friends to
Please don't hurt me,do not kill me I have enough pain running through.
Try and kill me and you know I'm not strong on my own
But now I start a whole new chapter with a life to call my own.
Stop who's there?Don't you dare,try and stop me now
I have friends and personality,just a shame that you cannot see.
Your not big,I don't fear you,I'll try the best I can do to please you
We come together like an army to stand against them all
Those who always laugh last,are those who never fall.
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Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
I've not read any of your work before so I am not one who has put you down. Everybody probably feels like this at some point or other in their lives.
Call me old fashioned but for me poems need to rhyme and scan. Yours starts off really well; I love the first line and a half but after that it you seem to lose your grip on the words. But having said that there are some good thoughts and phrases scattered throughout the poem. I think it needs a good edit to try and get back to the great way it started.
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Written by gshelme (152 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
Agree with seagull, think you need to go through this again, you have got a few errors in there and the rythym is off.
As someone who has had a couple of bad reviews, can I just say, don't see it as a put down, these guys are trying to help you to improve. I am grateful for their honesty,otherwise I would carry on making the same mistakes. 
Gill |
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
Hi Superbox. Your intro sets you up for a bit of a fall I'm afraid. There are errors in spelling and punctuation. If you want me to, I'll go through those for you. Let me know.
I'm not going to review the poetry as such, just respond to the content of both intro and piece.
I'm sure most regular members of GW would like to published in some form or another. The fact we all muck about on here probably means we're not there yet. I include myself in that category. Gushing reviews are lovely to receive, but you learn little, nor do you improve as a writer. Negative reviews are not drected at you, but the work. They give (possible) pointers for improvement or development.
I've had a look at your previous works. There's nothing there to get worked up about. One light hearted comment could, I guess, be misconstrued (sp) - but knowing the contributor I doubt very much it was meant in any other way but light heartedly.
Keep writing.
Phil
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Hello Superbox,
Written by audrie (454 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
I've been told that a couple of my poems were, and I quote: 'religious claptrap', so you aren't alone!
But he was the only one here who let their personal opinions on a subject, impinge on a critical review. I have found that the reviewers are very good and helpful. I would let Phil help you, if I were you. He's very kind.
Just one thing, try not to take reviews so much to heart. I know it is difficult when you are hyper-sensitive and you feel the world is against you, but take a deep breath and know that the people here are only trying to help you.
Best of luck, audrie |
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 13th July 2007 |
Hello Superbox (is that Superb Ox or Super Box btw?) Shame you felt bruised first time around - but I've said elsewhere, eg on Advice from the Community, a thicker skin is something a writer has to grow
Lots of angst in this - which is probably what works heavily against it. For me it wasn't a success: too generalised and a bit cliche'ed. OK, you were hurt; well, then, if you want to write about it, focus down onto something specific and make the poem around that.
There were some nice lines though with good rhythm - eg, "I start a whole new chapter with a life to call my own". That's something you can build on. |
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