|
Past scrubbed-up houses, architect-designed,
double-glazed barns and house-proud cowsheds,
who risks
treading on verges where the grass is mown?
Civilised edges creep out to the village sign,
please drive
children playing
carefully.
No seeding dandelion dares these paving stones
with fat, persistent root, or calls the goldfinch.
The frog-spawned pond where kids once dipped and splodged
is sanitised for children to play carefully.
Did Celtic wives brush cobwebs from their doors
or uproot nettles along boundary walls?
Let me die disgracefully -
thrown from a carriage by a good fast horse
(look at how dirty those buckles are),
or carelessly hitting a top note
drunk on the wine of song,
then collapsing on the pub floor,
knickers shockingly on view -
let me die before the white stone fangs
emerge to snarl along my verges
and the desirables plot amateur operatics,
slap ASBOs on easy, shabby ways
and commit golf.
|
Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | On theme with this one.
Loved the last line - superb.
Indulge my poetic education if you will. Line breaks: always wondered, but I've had some ideas of late. Even though 'architect designed' grammatically belongs with the second line, is it on the first to suggest the houses you passed are less than organic and of the neat, middle-class, golf playing scene? Hope you don't mind me asking.
Enjoyed this very much. Set the scene and galloped to the end in the last two. Touching, a little angry - but it did make me laugh.
Phil. | So I had a think ...
Written by fellpony (1600 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | and I've added a comma which makes the first line's end more ambiguous - can be applied to either the houses or the barns. And I've changed dairies to cowsheds (since dairies might well be very scrubbed-up, if in proper use!)
Ta Phil ... making me think, as always. Re line breaks - Wot I do is, write it all down and then rearrange it so it can be spoken easily. Because of my early training in reading Shakespearean verse, I often find my line rhythms fit the classic pattern of iambic pentameter, but I'll often break lines differently to make a point, like "who dares". I'm not saying it's perfect, but you asked  | line breaks
Written by patterjack (1178 comments posted) 13th July 2007 | At last someone who , when writing the freer styles of verse , uses that technique .
With Shakespeare aside , and also that long constriction of Latin scansion behind me , I still bow to Louis MacNeice as a master of the conversational style -- metrics , rhythms ,rhymes and half rhymes --- all the tricks of the trade there-- with
Autumn Journal as a bible/dictionary to emulate .
to commit golf is very reminiscent of him -- and I am sure he would have approved of your show of knickers ( erm , me too , I'll confess ! ) as would the other drunken Dylan T.
GIven half a chance , I'd die disgracefully with you .
As you can see -- i think it a great piece of work
patterjack |
Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 14th July 2007 | Doesn't sound like such an incredibly disgraceful death. I suppose dying alone in a tidy nursing-home, with some girl treating you as if you're a toddler is far more disgraceful than falling from a carriage and spattering your blood all over the road, or collapsing from an overdose of alcohol in the middle of a pub.
Somehow the falling off a carriage, combined with the Celtic wife reminded me of the story of Deirdre, and I'd say her death was rather dramatic, almost heroic even.
Good poem.
| Thank you Fledermaus
Written by fellpony (1600 comments posted) 14th July 2007 | for not comparing death by carriage driving to Boudicca I must go and read up Dierdre, whom I haven't encountered yet.
I feel sure there is room for more Untidy poems. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3329 comments posted) 16th July 2007 | Reading the first part my reaction was -I would happily swap places with you. Dandelions here run riot as do the poo generating dogs and anything resembling a pond usually has a supermarket trolley and rotting sofa in it. People want what they haven't got [and I'm not sure they be happy it they got it]
The second part was much pithier and I loved it . It reminded me of McGough's wonderful "let me die a young man's death" i.e a disgraceful one. I think you're right, it is the only way to go. And as for golf- I've heard if you play for more than five hours you can be declared legally dead!!
cheers
Jane |
Written by Lizzy (790 comments posted) 16th July 2007 | Enjoyed this.
Lizzy |
Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 21st June 2008 | Thanks for the links, Sue. Enjoyed them all - this included.
The last line still makes me laugh.
Phil |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
