Scene 1. Int. Reception at the West Wales Sun Club located next to the Milford Haven waterway. NORMA the receptionist is in her birthday suit. She is in her 50's and has a Swansea accent. She is talking to a couple, JULIE and CLEM who are also in their late 50's and fully clothed.

JULIE is from Walsall and has a sing-song West Midlands accent. Her husband CLEM is an ex-army officer from Buckinghamshire.

JULIE: This is disgusting. We come all this way and we get an environmental catastrophe. Why were we not told about it?

CLEM: Come, come dear, the news only broke a couple of hours ago.

NORMA: Sorry, we didn't get a chance to contact you. They say it's only a tiny oil slick so fingers crossed!

JULIE: Well I still think it's disgusting, they should be more careful how they steer their friggin' oil tankers. [Beat] Are there many guests here?

NORMA: No, it's just the two of you I'm afraid. Not many people come here in March.

CLEM: Hmph! Whatever happened to the real naturists?

JULIE: Well it isn't exactly a heatwave.

CLEM: It's just a bit of drizzle. Nothing much.

JULIE: The weather forecast was for wintry showers.

CLEM: Just a bit of sleet I expect.

NORMA: If you'll just follow me I'll show you to your chalet.

All exit, led by Norma.

Cut to:


Int. Interview room at the police station. INSPECTOR THOROUGHGOOD is giving PC WASHBURN a performance appraisal.

THOROUGHGOOD: We are a little concerned at your performance, Washburn. I know your conduct has been good and you're very conscientious but it's been over 3 months since you made an arrest.

WASHBURN: But nobody ever commits any crime in our patch. We haven't had a burglary for 2 years.  How can I arrest people if they don't break any laws?

THOROUGHGOOD: You'll have to understand if we don't hit our performance targets our jobs are on the line. If we never arrest anyone how can we justify keeping this nick open?

WASHBURN: So what do you expect me to do? Nobody even drops litter in this place.

THOROUGHGOOD: As you know there is a nudist resort just down the road. I suggest you go there and make some arrests for outraging public decency. That'll keep our paymasters quiet for a bit.

WASHBURN: But that's ridiculous! They're not breaking the law. It's a private club. It would never stand up in court.

THOROUGHGOOD: Never mind that. It'll get thrown out of court straight away but at least we'll get the figures up. I suggest you go down there with WPC Merryweather ASAP.

WASHBURN: OK Inspector.

Cut to:

Ext. The water front at the naturist club. There is a howling gale as a squally shower blows in. It's nearly high tide and JULIE and CLEM are shivering at the top of the narrow muddy shore. A wooden jetty stretches out into the water.

JULIE: I'm bloody freezing. Look, it's starting to hail. Why couldn't we go somewhere a bit warmer?

CLEM: Never mind the weather, I'm a little bit concerned about this oil slick. (Sniffs the air). I'm sure I can smell the stuff.

JULIE (sniffs): Funny kind of oil. I thought it was only a tiny oil slick. (Looks around.) We've got company.

The shower stops and the sun comes out as the wind subsides. The camera turns to reveal PC WASHBURN and WPC MERRYWEATHER coming towards them wearing only their police hats.

WASHBURN: Afternoon Sir.

CLEM: Good afternoon.

WASHBURN walks up to them and stands between them and the water, facing inland. We see a pleasure boat pass into view behind him.

WASHBURN: I'm afraid I'll have to arrest you two for offending public decency.

JULIE: You can't do that, it's bloody disgusting.

WASHBURN: I certainly can. You're both naked.

CLEM: But so are you.

MERRYWEATHER: I think he's got a point there.

JULIE: And this is a private club.

The boat is passing close to the shore. Four young men drop their trousers and do a moon at CLEM and JULIE.

Cut to CLEM and JULIE's faces. We hear the sound of a low flying fighter jet approaching.

CLEM (managing to keep a straight face): We're not doing any harm. Why don't you arrest some real troublemakers such as... (becomes unintelligible as the jet passes overhead.)

WASHBURN (as the noise subsides again): Pardon?

CLEM: You should arrest those lads on that boat.

JULIE (smirking ever so slightly): Wish you'd arrest those people on that tanker, letting all the oil spill out. Look, it's starting to wash in now.
 
Cut to MERRYWEATHER and WASHBURN's faces.

MERRYWEATHER: That's a good idea Washburn. Lets have a look.

Camera zooms out to reveal the lads have finished their moon and are doing up their belts.

WASHBURN (turning towards the water): OK, lets go.

They all mount the jetty and go to the end. A strange fluid forms a large slick on the water but it doesn't look like crude oil. CLEM crouches down and puts his hand into the substance.

CLEM: What the Dickens is this?

JULIE crouches down but slips and falls into the water. In an effort to save her CLEM slips in too.

JULIE: It's bloody (gasp) freezing (gasp) in here!

CLEM: Er, sorry. You OK?

JULIE: I can't swim.

They splash around for a few moments before finding their feet. The water is only waist deep.

JULIE (examining the slick): I know what this is. It's friggin' baby oil!

Credits roll as CLEM and JULIE start splashing the baby oil at each other.