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Poetry
Underground: 16:05 to Cockfosters
By no1butClo
15 July 2007
A little weird, alightly awkward, n'est pas?

Comments needed, gratefully received, and will be returned, I've been in london since my holidays started so time has been scarce! But it has resulted in this offering...

The single man stares, with the hint of a scowl,
as far as the wall in front of him
while an outsized couple noisily affirm their attraction
about six inches from his nose.

Folded arms and slack face draw a blank
and force the onlooker to seek more
behind his eyes than is apparent,
or there at all, perhaps.

Casual, self-contained he leans back
against the wall, and wishes the gentleman in him
had let him find a seat. Turning his head,
he tracks the conduit wiring
with eyes that still seem thoughtless.

The one red cable he follows 'til the lights come on
and tiles appear outside, adverts and ripped posters.
The back-ends of rats dare him to prefer the dark.

To mind the gap is contrary to his thinking, but
he obeys and steps safely, just a little off the beat
of a hundred other feet. Out of synch enough to turn
and make a dash for the tiles across the track,
just in front of the 16:05, to Cockfosters.

Reviews
I do like this one...
Written by patterjack (1196 comments posted) 14th July 2007
... very much  
 
Any minor nitpicks I shall make in an email - there are none of import. 
 
Well observed  
 
And isn't Cockfosters a wonderful name ! 
 
patterjack

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 15th July 2007
Very immediate piece this Clo. Packs an unpleasant punch at the end too. Worked well for me. 
 
I was a bit knocked out of my stride a couple of times by commas. A few seem superfluous, but I guess you may have put them there for pacing. 
 
Liked it. 
 
Phil

Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 15th July 2007
Have made changes to the commas, hope that flows a little better? 
 
Thanks for the comments guys, I wasn't sure about this. But those ones are usually the ones you like!
Good poem
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 15th July 2007
I liked the way you portrayed the man and can just picture that blank look in his eyes. Also I could easily visualise the adverts and ripped posters. 
 
Good poem. 

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 15th July 2007
Flows better for me. :)  
 
Phil
hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 16th July 2007
liked this a lot, a good read
hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 16th July 2007
liked this a lot, a good read
Underground: 16:05 to Cockfosters
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 16th July 2007
A stunningly good bit of poetry writing here Clo. The last line hit me between the eyes like a sledgehammer, as, I suppose, it was meant to. It is well put together and scans well. 
Cliff

Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 17th July 2007
I actually find this a bit bland. Well written but doesn't really pull me in. Obviously others disagree but I thought I'd comment to give you another point of view.

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