This is, I guess, my most successful poem inasmuch as it was a competition winner. From my style you might detect some of my key influences: ee cummings and Lawrence Ferlinghetti in the way words are spread across the page whereas the love poetry of Kenneth Patchen and the earlier works of Allen Ginsberg and Richard Brautigan might also be seen if only in mood.
The poem plays with the rather unrealistic yet affection notion of the storybook tramp as American dustbowl boxcar mythology hobo.
I hope the Beat Generation'esque sensibilities and use of language doesn't put you off. All comments gratefully received. If only for encouragement: I have since dropped the heavy Beat'ness and made things more subtle.
Bench sleepers of the World…
Bench sleepers
of the world
of park
& memorial gardens
of roseoakgrass
w/your faces lined w/struggle
dead morning smiles
blizzard enduring
tanned & dirty skin
living in a long coat, always a long coat.
Mice, tender friends in your pockets of myth,
only you can make homes in homes of homelessness.
What golden dreams of autumn leafy avenues are hiding under that great grey beard?
And what are the stories of the night known only to you
and silent smug toms that walk
the tight-rope thinness of some fence, the roof of a parked car, a sill
the very length of your humble bench?
The rain must seem like nothing more than
heaven crying.
You know the railway pigeons
the price of loose change
yesterday’s news
the remaining L of a crust.
But
lonely old grubber
what
kisses
of the world
have you tasted -
(Apart from that of sourblacktragedy & ice?)
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 16th July 2007 |
Hi Karlos.
Something a little different.
I have to confess to an interest in poetry but not very much knowledge - especially of the more modern poets. I've heard of the poets you referenced, but can't say I'm that familiar with their work.
First off, I really liked this. The four parts all worked effectively on their own and together as a whole. Descriptive, reflective, challenging.
There have been some that have come before you on this site claiming to write in the style of Cummings etc. In my opinion they often failed to write anything of worth. This is different.
Off to research some of your references. My poetic education continues.
For me, super read.
Phil |
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 16th July 2007 |
Some of this I liked very much - such as:
"You know the railway pigeons
the price of loose change
yesterday's news
the remaining L of a crust."
Not so sure about -
"nothing more than
heaven crying."
(I'm sure hoboes would think it rather more than that.)
But there's an accuracy of observation in here that is well served by your words. I thought from your pen-name you'd be a teen-angst merchant, so to find you are not is a relief. |
hello
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
and just to say I enjoyed this very , very well written piece.
Bernie |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
Agree with fellpony's comments. Personally I like the piece but find it romanticises homelessness a bit too much. The idea of a homeless man with a long coat and "great grey beard" is a bit cliché and I think there's more to life on the streets than keeping mice and knowing the secrets of the city. I also find your format a bit random- at the beginning you put words together and use brackets, but then you abandon this for a more formal structure, before moving on to the section which is spread across the page.
Sorry this review is very negative, I really do like the piece, honest! |
RESPONSE
Written by karlostheunhappyjackyl (13 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
Thanks for the views.
Points to respond are...
1. Yes, it is meant to romanticise; hence the reference to mythology of the intro. I agree, however, that real life is not like this. It is a fantasy, a myth.
This might be better expressed in a revised title that would include the word 'myth'.
2. I agree and have never really like the 'heaven crying' bit - it is a bit twee and not normal for me. But it seemed to fit when I originally wrote it.
3. Structure. The format is a bit random inasmuch as it represents the chaos of living on the streets and breakdown. I am not sure that I achieve this or if I do it is too subtle and perhaps a bit of formality is confusing things. If we read it out aloud, it also attempts to be a bellow from the alleyways, but one that crumbles and is confused, with words running into one another like a mumble, grumbling old fool.
I guess it begins as a chant in a Walt Whitman kind of way (Song of Myself and all that) and is an expression of a kind of freedom known only to hobos but then, at the turn, the pain of homelessness and loneliness is revealed.
Or so I thought... |
Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 17th July 2007 |
Perhaps a stereotyopical image of a tramp, but then, this sort of people do exist, and I must say that they often seem to have a strange charm, almost as if they are less bothered by their own homelessness than everyone else.
I'm not to sure about the structure, but it was a nice read. |
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