Chapter 13

After the previous day's humiliation, the atmosphere of the last few days of the holiday was a little strained.  Donna wanted to go down to the beach, but Jon was adamant that he was never going to set foot on it again.  They had argued about it, resulting with Donna going off on her own, leaving Jon sitting alone on the balcony, looking out at the view, and wondering when something was actually going to go right for them. Eventually, he decided to go back inside, as the sun was particularly fierce that day, and, despite the fact that he was wearing sunglasses, he had developed a splitting headache.  He walked into the bedroom, and, to his horror, he saw a woman he had never seen before in his life lying spread out on the bed, wearing little more than a smile.

"What the bloody hell are you doing here?"  he yelled; even the sound of his own raised voice stopped him in his tracks, as he put a hand up to try and ease the pounding in his head.

"I saw your wife on the beach" she said "and I guessed you were alone, and I thought you might like some company!"

She patted the other side of the bed, beckoning him to come over to her.

"If you are not out of here in five seconds flat.."  he hissed, grabbing hold of her arm.  "I'll throw you out - now move, before I move you!"

"If you touch me, I'll have you for assault - that won't do your career any good, will it?" she said, a spiteful look crossing her face.

"Look" he said, sinking into a chair, covering his face with his hands. "I'm not going to assault you, I just want you to go of your own accord - don't you think I've been through enough - don't you read the papers?  Just go, and leave me alone!  I don't need this!"

She got up from the bed, and walked over to him, and before he could draw breath, she had put her arms around his neck, and clamped her mouth down on his.  He pushed her away, causing her to stumble.

"How dare you?! My wife is away for five minutes and you're taking advantage of me - and her!  What kind of sick-minded bitch are you??  Get out!  Go on, get out!!"

"I told you what I'd do!" she said, her voice taking on a nasty edge.  "I'll have you for assault, I'll......"

"Do what you like" he said, all the fight suddenly leaving him.  "I don't care any more, I really don't care...."

His voice broke, and he just sat there crying his heart out, not knowing or caring what she thought.  At the moment, he felt that life wasn't worth a damn.

"I'm sorry" she said, suddenly becoming flustered and somewhat embarrassed.  "I didn't mean to upset you, please, don't get upset!  You won't tell your wife, will you?  I'll go now, I'll leave you alone, please - I'm sorry!"

With that, he heard footsteps, and the door slamming shut.  He decided there was no point sitting there feeling sorry for himself, so he made his way down to the pool, and, after swimming a few lengths to get things out of his system, he put his towel on a lounger, and, lying down, he rested his head on his arms, soaking up the sun's comforting rays.  He did not realise it, but he must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew, someone was shaking him awake.  It was Donna.  As he came to, the burning sensation all over his back made him feel quite sick.

"Jon!  Wake up!" she said, her voice taking on a sudden urgency.  "How long have you been out here?!"

"I don't know" he whispered, the pain really beginning to kick in.  "One thing I do know, though, my back is killing me!"

"I don't suppose you remembered to put any sunscreen on, did you?" said Donna, helping him up.  "You should know better than that!  Don't you ever learn?  Come on!"

Very slowly, they made their way back to the hotel room, and he lay on his front on the bed, as Donna gently dabbed calamine lotion on his back, which was a very angry shade of red.  All the while she was doing it, she was lecturing him about the perils of not wearing sunscreen, especially with his colouring, and did he know that if he wasn't careful, he could get skin cancer, and, couldn't she let him out of her sight for five minutes?  In the end, his temper snapped.

"Oh, for Christ's sake, woman!  Will you put a bloody sock in it!!" he yelled.  "You're doing my head in!  Don't you ever stop to draw breath!"

"I'm sorry"  She looked at him, with tears in her eyes.  "I'm only concerned about you, that's all.  I didn't mean to nag."

"No" he said, sitting up very gingerly.  "I'm sorry, Donna.  I shouldn't take my bad mood out on you.  I brought this on myself.  I didn't mean what I said - can you forgive me?"

"It's all right" she said, kissing him.  "I think we're both on a short fuse at the moment, it's hardly surprising."

"Will we ever be back to normal, Donna?" he said, his eyes clouding over with pain.  "I hate it when we're like this, I really hate it when we fight.  We were so happy once - and so much in love"

"We still are in love, aren't we?" said Donna, surprised at what he had just said.  "And I know we can be happy again, it'll just take time."

He did not answer her, but just got up and stood out on the balcony, looking out at the view, but not really seeing it.  He could feel scalding tears pouring down his face, but, for some reason he could not cry.  It was almost as though he was shutting off his emotions.  He could feel Donna's arms around him, but he could not respond.  What was wrong with him?
 

"Look at me, Jon!" she pleaded, her arms holding him desperately.  "Look at me and tell me that you don't love me!"

"I didn't say that!" he said, not looking at her.

"That's what you meant!"  She was crying now, she could not help herself.  "I know that's what you meant!  Why can't you just say it?  I know you don't!   Is it because I'm not going to give you a baby now?  Is that it?  Please, tell me!  I think I deserve to know!"

"Donna!" he said, running his fingers through her hair, as she rested her head on his chest.  "I didn't say I didn't love you, and what on earth possessed you to even think it would be because you aren't going to have a baby now?  What kind of man do you think I am?  I do love you, as much as I ever did - surely you must know that!"

"No, I don't" she said, looking up at him.  "I know we're not happy at the moment, but I thought we still loved each other!  We can work this out!  I know we can!"

"Oh, God, Donna!"  The urgency and despair in his voice went straight to her heart.  "I don't know how I feel!  I feel so confused - I'm angry, I'm scared, I want to be strong for you, but I'm feeling so helpless.  I want to love you - I do love you - oh, God, I don't know what I'm saying...help me out here, Donna - tell me what to do!  I'm scared to be happy, in case it all blows up in my face again... please, don't think I don't love you, I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you, losing my baby was bad enough - please, tell me I'll never lose you - please, Donna, please...."

"Shh!" she said, putting a finger to his trembling lips, and wiping his tears with a tissue.  "That's one promise I can make to you, and I'll make you another - we will be happy again - don't ever be scared to be happy.  When we can find joy in each other, then I just know we'll find joy in a baby."

He looked at her, his eyes full of love, and admiration at her words of wisdom.  He cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her long and tenderly - all the time what she had made him realise uppermost in his mind - no matter what else he was afraid of, he should never be afraid to love.