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Poetry
You x (REVISED)
By Sarahleigh
17 July 2007

This was about something entirely different until I got some excellent comments.

So, I changed it. I was convinced I'd never have children so when I got pregnant with CJ it was a lovely surprise, but also quite scary! I was sure that it would all go wrong. Thank God it didn't. This is about being a mummy in waiting. I wanted to show how, as the pregnancy went on, I became closer to Charlie so I've used the spacing of the words to try and put this across.I'm not sure if it works though. Any comments gratefully recieved.




  Like my shadow, 



                  he is with me....


                                with each heartbeat


          Oh! he breathes,

                 moving now, within me,
                                               my hope floats....
                                .....upon the breeze x

Reviews
RESPONSE
Written by karlostheunhappyjackyl (13 comments posted) 17th July 2007
Hello. I don't know if this helps, but here are my thoughts. For what they're worth. 
 
I LIKE 
The fact that I think this is about pregnancy. 
That it ends with a kiss. 
 
I AM NOT SO SURE OF 
The rather enthusiastic use of over ellipsis... 
The breeze: what is that, my pregnancy idea is ruined. 
That it ends with a kiss, if this is not about pregnancy. 
 
Can you tell I am a new father, or what? :)

Written by Sarahleigh (3 comments posted) 17th July 2007
Hello Karlos,  
 
Thanks for your review. Congratulations on your little bundle, I have a seven month old, and it's great!! (If a little tiring).  
 
I wrote this in a bit of a rush and didn't mean to post straight away but nevermind. Yep, I used too many dotty things; got a bit carried away me thinks there. The poem is based on ritual(but not actual) love making! Notice the capital He's and then We's. It's about the feeling of accepting a higher being becoming part of it and feeling better for it. I just got the idea from a book I read, it's nothing I personally do!!  
 

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 17th July 2007
To put your mind at rest, I got that this was about love making. I often get the wrong end of the stick, so it can't be that opaque. I didn't get the higher being thing, and I actually prefer my initial reading. That's poetry for you! 
 
I too thought you overdid the ellipses. 
 
Phil

Written by Sarahleigh (3 comments posted) 18th July 2007
Hi Phil,  
 
Thanks for that, as you can see, I've revised the original. I think it's much better minus the ellipses and a little fiddling. I think now it can be interpreted however you want. Pregnancy or love making- I think it depends on the reader.  
 
Sarah

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