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Poetry


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Living for the Minute

By ToniBowling

17 July 2007

As we watch the news and see all the wars we wonder if it will ever end.

Watching the trees turn to colors is a beautiful sight,
It makes you feel like the world should be right.
It should be as beautiful and peaceful as the trees,
But in reality, we know it will never again be.
The world is about wars, fights, who’s always wrong and right,
It is a sad place to be now days it should be just a beautiful sight.
It should be about living for the minute; you don’t know if you have another one,
Life is taken for granted and nobody even enjoys the setting of the sun.
Why has the world come to this, what is yet to come?
This is what scares me, and I’m sure it scares others some.
We live in a world that we got comfortable in,
But this world is only temporary the best is yet to be seen.
This is when the Lord will take us home to the streets of gold,
I will feel his arms come around me and I know I will never feel old.

Reviews

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 17th July 2007

Hi Toni,

I found some of your constructions a little clumsy and I think there were a few places where you twisted normal syntax to get a rhyme to fit.

I did find some of the logic a little contrary. For example - isn't 'living for the minute,' at least in part, responsible for the state we're in? Also some of the lines are immediately contestable. eg/ nobody even enjoys the setting of the sun. - I certainly do.

On a personal level, I find the last two lines hard to swallow. If the lord had anything about him, he'd be arriving pretty sharpish already and putting plenty out of their misery. Still, each to their own.

I know all this sounds negative. I do think you've chosen a good subject, just cast your net far too widely. My suggestion - which you should feel free to ignore - would be to focus down on specifics and explore ideas around those. I guess if you want to write pieces with a religious message, there will always be those who support it and dislike it for that alone. In this case, you seem to portray your god as some deus ex machina, I thought even the most fundamental believers had got beyond that.

Phil.

Agree with Phil...
Written by karlostheunhappyjackyl (13 comments posted) 19th July 2007

Have to agree with Phil on 'some of your constructions a little clumsy', and 'streets of gold' makes me think of Sting. Aaaarggghhh! I am sure that is not your intention.

Try re-writing without rhyme. If that works, take the feelings from that into a prose piece that reads out loud well. Then, if you're happy with both of those, try again with the rhyme if you really think it needs it.

The trouble with rhyme is that every one has to be bang on, which is where the rhyme in yours is straining all that precedes it.

I hope you see this as positive encouragement as I think there is potential here and the sentiment of the first 2 lines is worthy in itself. If they were shorter and more comfortable with themselves, I catch myself thinking very Stevie Smith.

Written by ToniBowling (6 comments posted) 19th July 2007

I really appreciate both of you critiquing this poem and I will take your reviews and do more with this poem. I appreciate you taking the time in reviewing this poem and helping me out.

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