I was warned against going onto MySpace by the few friends I have left who have not yet succumbed to the lure.  "You'll regret it, all you get is dodgy messages from weirdos and wafer-thin "friendships" that are based on a vague feeling of shallow emptiness and a like-minded aversion to real people in real situations"  (OK, so they didn't say that in so many words, but hopefully you get the gist).   But I laughed in the face of this criticism, mainly because it looked like fun, and I had a spare half-hour on my hands.  And so far it's proved to be a sunny, chirpy, positive experience.  I can discover new music and ask all manner of people to be my "friend" – why, it's just like being back at college, but without the pink hair and Manchester United football shirt (I was going through a phase).

Then, last week I received my first "dodgy" message.  For this I must thank "H" of London, firstly for opening his message with "Wow, you are stunning and I'm not just saying that" (Well, "H", I'm glad you're not "just saying that", especially after a day on which I've broken out in spots, snapped two of my nails and my roots badly need doing).

The message then goes on to ask me, in (to "H"'s credit) very polite language, whether my husband and I would like to indulge in some "3 sum sexx" – with him, presumably.  After dropping this bombshell, "H" goes on to say "Please stop tutting and read on…"

Now, there are two things I find mildly amusing about these sentences.  Firstly, despite the flattering opening line, he hasn't done his homework on me at all.  I'm one of these terrible bores who criticises everyone's spelling and grammar whenever I get the chance.  "3 sum sexx"?!  Sorry, but don't even get me started.  And secondly, I do love the idea of his thinking I'd be sitting there tutting, and maybe even rolling my eyes in mock 1950's style distaste at his casual suggestion – the naughty young scamp!  Reading on doesn't convince me any further that this suggestion is a good one.  Sorry "H".  You've got a bit of brushing-up to do on your persuasive skills.

Maybe you're targeting the wrong customer-group.  I've scoured my profile and to be honest, I can't find anything on there that would even remotely cause you to think this is something hubby and I would be interested in.  Not unless "reading and going to the gym" is some kind of modern euphemism for "I love threesomes – please contact me if you want a go".  If it is, I sincerely apologise.  Not just to you, but also to all my previous employers who've had to read it on my CV over the years (and here I was wondering why I've been so successful at getting jobs…)

Anyway, "H", I'm thinking you should try people with pages sporting scantily-clad pics of themselves and lots of dodgy looking "friends" on their profile pages (Jodie Marsh might be a good bet).  I'm afraid I've blocked you from contacting me again so you won't be able to drop me a line letting me know how you get on – but best of British luck to you all the same.

(P.S. - don't post a photo of yourself on your MySpace profile page if you actually want anyone to take you up on your kind offer.  Not unless they've blatantly expressed a weakness for a Ricky Gervais-meets-that-bloke-from-the-Halifax-advert lookalike, anyway).