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Poetry


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To the Moon

By karlostheunhappyjackyl

19 July 2007

This is a poem of mine I do not like at all. In fact, I am thinking of removing it from the collection of my poems I think are worth retaining.

So go to work GW'ers: is this worth re-working or am I wrong about it?

Moon,

(smiled the wind),
when you have tasted my sad heart
have known the full embrace of my fresh eternal love
have heard the soft dark rhythm of this kiss and
have gazed through my evening honey dream touch

then, and only then, will you have known lovingly benign death
of which my ephemeral existence is composed.

Reviews

To the Moon
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 19th July 2007

I don't know why you do not like this work Karlos. I think it is fine, summing up as it does, the transient quality of a breath of wind, be it warm or cold. Leave it in your collection of works.
Cliff

Playin' fer keeps
Written by TurboWolffe (98 comments posted) 19th July 2007

This reminds me more of a classic poem that doesn't rhyme, and it's pretty good. You ought to keep it.
But, hey, I might play for keeps, but do you?
-TurboWolffe

Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 21st July 2007

Liked the first six lines of this, especially:
my evening honey dream touch

Unsure about the last two. I'm struggling to make a strong connection between the two parts, but then that could just be me.

The pulse of lines 3 - 6 make this sound a little like a list - which essentially it is, but is too good to be dismissed as such.

Phil.

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