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Poetry
The Retreat
By maipenrai
19 July 2007
violent content.

we had walked for days
unwashed, unshaven, tired
exhausted in mind and body
we needed shelter and rest,
as we approached the village
respite seemed at hand, but
we stopped
something was amiss.

we had fought and
we had lost and
were now in retreat,
our enemy in pursuit of
the remmants of our
once proud force,
yet still we stopped,
in these hill villages
you are first greeted by the dogs
then by the half starved children,
but now,nothing but silence
greeted our arrival.

our senses alert
we moved forward, slowly
then the smell hit us,
God, what a awful stench
of death and dacay,
of bloated bodies, young and old,
they had placed the heads
of our comrades on poles
eyes and tongues removed,
notes were attached to the poles
"go now heathen, go now
and never return to this
holy land"

we moved through the village
in silence, each of us within himself,
we had been spared
for what reason we would never know,
of our comrades that followed
nothing was ever heard,
strange thing to tell
but on leaving the village
the wind chimes began to chime,
I like to think it was the souls
of our comrades
bidding us farewell.

Reviews
The Retreat
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 19th July 2007
A most moving work, one can almost smell those dead bodies. I don't know what country you had in mind when you wrote this work, but it had me thinking along the lines of Mongolia or someplace nearby that area. A most pleasurable read, well done. 
Cliff
Response
Written by karlostheunhappyjackyl (13 comments posted) 19th July 2007
- 'amiss' not as direct as all language preceding this word 'wrong' would do, but this then works better as prose as it is so straightforward in its language. 
 
- 'dacay' - decay? 
 
- unequal length of stanzas 
 
- unintended rhyme confusing form: tell / farewell in last stanza 
 
Heads on poles and things is a bit obvious: your poem has menace without needing the gore. 
 
I like the title, it wasn't the meaning I thought it had, which makes the reading a little more gruesome, which is fine. 
 
So, yeah, I think a prose poem or prose and greater subtlety would greatly improve this piece. 
 
Immediately I thought of Bosnia and the BBCTV series 'Warriors', but later it seemed older. 
 
Hi
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 19th July 2007
And thank you both for your comments, it's Afghanistan. 
Bernie

Written by Phil (6675 comments posted) 21st July 2007
I find myself in some agreement with Karlos on this one, but then I've commented a few times before about prose v verse. Unequal length of stanzas doesn't bother me,but for me, this is not quite one or the other. Perhaps distilled a little for poetry or expanded for prose. I would really like to read a detailed prose piece from you, you seem to have a wealth of stories to tell. 
 
Phil.
Thanks
Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 21st July 2007
Phil for your comments. 
Bernie

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