Chapter 16

As he sat there in a total daze, waiting for the surgeon's words to sink in, Jon felt the baby being gently lifted from his arms, and the nurse's hand on his shoulder.  It seemed as though everything was happening in slow motion.

"Would you like to see Donna, my dear?" said the nurse, her gentle voice threatening to rob him of whatever was left of his self control.  He was feeling dangerously close to the edge.

"Yes" he said, not looking at her. "I want to see her - please!"

"Come with me" she said.  "We'll take your baby to the nursery, and then I'll take you up to see Donna"

As he followed the nurse along the never ending corridors, turning this way and that, he was dreading what he was going to see when they arrived at their destination.  This wasn't what was supposed to happen - it was all going wrong.  Suddenly, he froze as he saw a sign reading 'Intensive Therapy Unit'.

"I don't want to go in there!" he said, his voice trembling.  "I'm scared!"

"It'll be all right!" said the nurse.  "I'll come with you, then I'll leave you in peace - just talk to her.  Maybe she'll hear you - and don't worry about the tubes - they're helping her to breathe"

"Tubes?  Why can't she breathe?  What's happening?  Why won't somebody tell me what's happening to her!"

"Come on" said the nurse, gently.  "Come in and see her, then I'll get a doctor to come and explain exactly what happened"

As he walked into the room, and approached Donna's bed, nothing could have prepared him for the sight that met his eyes.  She was lying so still, her eyes closed, a drip in her arm, tubes up her nose and in her mouth.  He sat down next to the bed as though he were on automatic pilot - he just could not take this in.  He put out his hand and gently stroked her face, but there was no response.

"Talk to her" prompted the nurse. "The anaesthetic has temporarily paralysed her, but she may still be able to hear you!"

"Donna!" he said, for once in his life, lost for words.  "Donna!  We've got a little girl - we've got our baby - she's beautiful, she's perfect!  She's got blonde hair, like you said she would, I love her so much, and I know you will, too..  Donna, please - come back to me, you can't leave us, you can't!  Our baby needs her mummy, I need you...  I need you, Donna, please - oh, it's useless!!"

He got up from the chair, running his fingers through his hair, and clenching his fists in his frustration.  The nurse put a calming hand on his shoulder.

"Come back in a little while" she advised.  "The anaesthetic may have had time to work its way out of her system by then - we'll know a little more by then.  In the meantime, there's somewhere quiet where you can wait."

She led him to a small room just along the corridor from ITU.  After bringing him a very welcome cup of tea, and telling him she would come if he needed her, she left him be.  He just sat there, staring into space - what the hell had gone wrong?  Why were they being punished like this?  He hoped to God he would not have to explain to their beautiful daughter that they had lost her mother after she had given life to her.  How could any child take that in?  It was so terrible a thought, that he dismissed it from his mind.  He looked around the tiny room, almost as though he were looking for someone - but there was no one there - he was completely alone, and that scared him more than anything.  He noticed a little card on the table - it had been written by the hospital chaplain, and included prayers of thanks for a newborn baby, and the untold joy it would bring to the lucky parents.  So far, as beautiful and precious as she was, their newborn daughter had so far brought only a bittersweet kind of joy - her mother had not even laid eyes on her, yet.  He felt scalding tears rolling down his face, still holding the card in his hand, even though he was quite unable to read the words.  Suddenly, he heard footsteps, and the door opened.  He did not look up, he thought it was yet more bad news that he really did not want to hear.  He stood there looking out of the window, his back to the door.  He heard a voice say:

"Jonathan - it's only me, love!  Are you all right?"

His mother!  Oh, Jesus, how he needed her right now!  He ran blindly over to her, throwing himself into her arms, sobbing his heart out. She held him close, her heart aching for him.  Even though he was a man now, he was still her child - his joy was her joy, and right now, his pain was hers, too.  He had not noticed his father come into the room as well, until he felt a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder.  His mother was suddenly overcome, and sat down on the chair, crying softly.  His father took over, standing in front of him and holding him by his shoulders, talking to him gently but firmly.

"Come on, son!" he said, fighting back his own tears.  "It'll be all right! She'll be fine - the doctors know what they're doing!  Come on - calm down! She'll be all right - you'll see!"

Eventually, he had calmed down enough to talk to them rationally.  He discovered that, when they had arrived, the doctor had explained to them what had happened so they were prepared for what state of mind he might be in when they found him - which was just as well!

"Surely God wouldn't be so cruel, mum!" he said, his head on her shoulder, gripping her hand so tightly she thought he would cut off her circulation.  "Why is he punishing me like this!"

"You can't keep blaming God, sweetheart" said his mother, gently stroking his hair.  "He didn't do this, he gave you a beautiful baby girl, and I know he wouldn't deprive her of her mother!"

Just as she finished speaking, the door opened again, and the doctor came in - and, this time, he was smiling.

"Good news!" he said.  "The anaesthetic has worked its way out of your wife's system, and she's conscious, and asking for you.  We're transferring her to maternity very shortly.  In the meantime, you can take your baby in to see her for a short time!"

"What did I tell you?" said his father.  "Go on, son, go and see her - we'll wait here for you".

He glanced back at his parents as he walked towards the door, the overwhelming love he felt for them abundantly clear by the expression on his face. 

They made a quick detour to maternity to collect the baby, then they made their way along the maze of corridors to ITU.  He slowly walked over to her bed, carrying their daughter.  She lay there, still fairly sleepy, but estatically happy - her face lit up when she saw them approaching.  He sat down next to her, lifting up her hand and pressing it to his face.  She could not hold the baby properly as she still had a drip in her arm, but he lay her down next to her, and, as she cradled her in her free arm, she began to cry, tears pouring down her face.

"My baby!" she said, looking up at him.  "My little girl - she's here at last!  I never thought I would see this day!  She's beautiful - so beautiful! I want to call her Rosie - is that all right?  Do you like that name?"

"It's beautiful!" he said, quite unable to say another word.  He gently picked up the baby, holding her close to his heart.  He put his arm around Donna, holding her as tightly as he dared.  As he watched them both, he knew he had been right never to give up hope, that for every day of heartbreak, there were years of happiness ahead.  Someone had said to him once that he had the whole world at his feet - well, they had been wrong - so wrong.  His whole world was right here, in his arms.