- This is a monolouge I wrote when I was 16, It was my coursework in AS English Language and I got an A, it inspired me to write more :) As I am a beginner in writing I would love some feedback that I can use for future writing, or even imporving this one!
- A girl of sixteen years of age is sitting in her brightly coloured bedroom facing the window. She is wearing a black shirt and black trousers. A single tear runs down the side of her face. Throughout the whole time she never looks directly at the camera.
Life. If anyone ever told you that it was easy, they lied. And they lied a hell of a lot. Life is hard. I’m only sixteen and I know this. Wherever you stand in life there’s always someone pushing you down. You’re standing on the top of the highest mountain, looking down at everyone else. You look to the sky and feel the warm glow of the sun on your face. You’re happy and it’s an amazing feeling, (she starts to smile) you feel triumph flow through your veins! You feel your feet firmly on the ground. (Her smile fades) But all of a sudden that grip you had disappears, the floor seems to break away. You slip. You fall. (Pause)Every time you hit the side of the mountain is for every time you have been hurt by the people that really matter to you. (She stands and starts to get angry and punches her hand) Again and again you hit the rocks that were so hard to climb, inflicting agony at every jagged rock! And then you feel yourself sitting at the bottom of the mountain, in a dark place surrounded by winter trees. No birds are singing. You’re all alone, with only your thoughts to keep you company. You sit there for some time feeling the ground beneath your now bleeding palms. (She adopts a blank expression) You cannot cry, you cannot laugh, you cannot feel any emotion. You just sit there (pause) cold (pause) empty (pause and looks at the camera) dead. (Pause, looks away from camera) Looking up to that mountain you wonder what made you slip. Did someone force you to fall? Or did you jump? (Fade to black)
- She is now sitting in a dark room. It’s dusk and there are no lights on. She sits on a pine rocking chair across the room from the window.
It’s Christmas soon. (Pause) Always a happy time of year. Family, friends, gifts. (Sighs) This time last year I was joining in with all the festivities, playing the piano at my aunties, messing around with my cousins. Of course, I was with him back then. I spent most of that Christmas thinking of him. I felt a smile creep across my face at each and every thought. (She smiles) He got me the most beautiful Christmas gift in the world. He got me a silver necklace with a big Celtic cross pendant, to show how much he loved me. (She starts to play with the cross around her neck) I’m still wearing that necklace, as if there a part of him still with me. But I know that he is lost. Lost but in my heart forever. How could he leave me? How could he just go? Why did he leave me? (Shakes her head vigorously and gets angry with herself, shouts) Oh this is stupid! It was almost a year ago! I shouldn’t even care anymore! It doesn’t matter, its over. Ended. Finished. (Look at the floor, pause 5 secs) (Still speaking to the floor quietly) Life after love. It’s just… so hard. (Looks up, crying) Especially when that love returns and never truly leaves. Again and again it returns, like a bird, stays around in the easy warmth of the summer, but when that cold, hard winter arrives, off he flies. And I’m left here, awaiting the return of my dove. Officially the love ended nine months ago but the last summer was but three months ago. On these cold days, I sit and I wonder where he is, what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. And all this time I hear voices saying “what are you going to do?” (She starts to cry) How can this be? Fate brought us together and he broke us apart. All for her. Why is she so special? Why did he choose her over me? He said he would rather be friends with me, like we used to. Best friends we were, and are again now. But I still love him. And I always will. Will Fate triumph? Or am I left to an eternity of memories? Memories and hope, false hope. (Fade to black)
- It’s late into the night and she’s sitting in her room, curtains slightly apart with the moonlight seeping in. She is sitting on her bed, in the corner holding her knees, hair draping over her face.
I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep anymore. When I do, I dream so much that I am forced to stay awake. Whatever I dream it always turns into the same nightmare. I’m happily swimming in a lake, surrounded by forest and a slate house in the distance. But then I loose control and to drown I hear his voice and then I wake up gasping for air. It’s the same every time, everyday. I even daydream sometimes. (Sigh and pause) I've become so quiet my best of friends are always asking me what’s wrong. But I cannot tell them, no-one must know. I tried to tell my parents once but they told me not to be so stupid and turned a blind eye. (Starts to cry) No-one cares about me. Not anymore. I used to be a free spirit but now I'm trapped. Trapped by my own memories and tortured by my own mind. (Fade to black)I can’t possibly be happy with the burdens I carry! I can’t do this anymore! (Pauses, hangs her head, starts to sob and gets angry) I can’t. I can’t. (Tries to stop herself from crying and violently wipes her eyes) I’m fed up of feeling like this! There’s nothing I can do. I tried so hard to tell myself that it’s gone, but I can’t believe it, I’m holding onto something that isn’t there, my heart can’t understand it. My poor heart. (Puts her hand over her heart) He has broken my heart three times in the last nine months, and I know that it’s not over yet. Ill keep going and ill wait as long as I need to, to get him back. I love him and he will return. If he wasn’t going to return then I wouldn’t have kept him in my heart for so long. (Sighs and fade to black)
- She is sitting in the living room on the floor holding a pillow. The phone is on the floor next to her. It is daytime
Why won’t he phone me? I’m sitting by the phone waiting for his call. He said he would ring me over an hour ago! Where could he be? Maybe he is with her. (Pause for 5 secs) I thought he cared. Ill bet that’s it. He doesn’t care. (Sighs, pause for another 5 secs) No one cares about me; well to be honest I don’t care about anyone else. As long as he cares I will always be ok, but he doesn’t care. I can’t go on anymore. I always said that as long as he cares nothing matters. He told me that he cares; he said that he would fight for me; he said that he would fight to keep me alive. Well, now i’m dying in the war and he is not fighting for me. (The phone rings) Finally! (She pauses in her steps) No, wait. What if he is angry with me? What if he is calling to say that he doesn’t care anymore? I bet he just wants to rub it in that he has a new girlfriend and he doesn’t love me anymore, that’s what he’s like, he likes to play mind games. I’m not standing for that! I’m not answering it. (The answering machine plays it’s him, she listens contently) “Heya, it’s me! You there? No? ok, well, er, I need to talk to you, ring me when you get this message! Ok Bye!” (She just stares at the phone, pauses, sighs) He needs to talk to me. He needs to talk to me. Just hearing his voice makes me happy. I wish he was here now, but I don’t want him to see me. Not like this. I’m a mess. (She flops down on the chair. Fades to black)
- It’s a close up on her, she is in a dark room, with a stone wall behind her. The camera isn’t close enough to see where she is. She is sitting down.
We went to the park yesterday. It was a lot of fun. We were talking, chasing each other and generally messing around, as best friends do. We talked about everything! It was great! Although he was going on and on about his new girlfriend. The strange thing was – I wasn’t even bothered by it. In fact I was teasing him about it! (Smiles) He was meeting her after he had left me at the park. (She starts to rock where she is sitting) I was curious so something told me to walk after him; I didn’t want him to see me watching so I stayed away from him. As I passed around the corner his speed increased and I followed, looking around me as I walked and lurking in the shadows as not to be caught, heart racing and feeling the strain upon my heart, I knew that looking upon them would hurt me, drive me to madness. Then I saw her. A smile crept across my face. She was pretty. Prettier than most. She hugged him when she saw him and I smiled more. Oh how I hated her. I stared at them embracing and then it happened, the feeling swept over me like wildfire, from the centre of my soul spreading throughout my entire body. I looked upon them with jealousy, hate and felt my heart break. Again. I reached into my bag , pulled out that ambitious object and walked towards them, full of ambition, hatred, love. It was like my epiphany when I saw the pavement glitter, her scream was my nirvana, his shock, my revenge. (Pause for 3 seconds, she smiles with a twisted grin, the camera zooms out and we see where she is, she is in a prison cell, fade to black)
- She is still in her prison cell, now its morning and she is sitting on her bed looking at the small amount of light coming through the small barred window in the dark room.
I don’t regret it, should I regret what I did? I saved him from a life with her; he will thank me for it in the end. In fact, visiting hours soon, I’m sure he will be here to thank me for saving me from that, that, woman! (Screws up her face in disgust at the thought of the woman) Just the thought of her make me want to heave! The dirty blood that rushed through her veins is now all over the concrete floor, where it belongs. She split up something so pure and beautiful; she was evil and needed to be vanquished. (Innocently looks around, pause) This place is nice, ill be out of here soon, and back into his arms again. (sighs and smiles) |
Written by Josie (2844 comments posted) 20th July 2007 | | You developed your story well, and the fact that she was sitting in her prison cell was quite a surprise. Your writing is good and carries the reader along. There are only some very small things which you could correct: "playing the piano at my aunties". I think it is one aunty, and you mean at my aunty's house, so it is aunty apostrophe s. I'll = I will - so you need your apostrophe to show that there are letters missing. (You can easily correct these little things). It sounds as if she has been sent to the wrong place. Perhaps she needs psychiatric treatment. A normal person wouldn't do such a thing! (I hope not) |
Written by Fledermaus (3484 comments posted) 20th July 2007 | A very good piece. Especially considering you were 16 yourself when you wrote it. The monologue in the first part is very good. Towards the middle, she seems to be full of self-pity and jumping to extreme conclusions. For a moment I thought that was a weakness, but it clearly isn't, as it shows a lot about her. Firstly that she's clearly a teen rather than an adult. Secondly that he's probably her first love or that her hormones are going crazy. Thirdly, that she's mentally unstable and fourthly that after all those hours she's still busy getting herself sadder and angrier, rather than that she seeks someone to talk to. Considering the end, that is a beautiful way to build the tension.
The A is certainly well deserved... You start off with just a sad, but reasonable character and gradually turn her into a dangerous loony, and all this in a very believable way. |
Written by rushwilde (24 comments posted) 20th July 2007 | I liked the suprise ending. Unexpected.
Your writing really carries the reader throughout the monologue, the bracketed bits creates a sort of mini-flick in my head.
I think it was very well executed in terms of style.
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Written by TomtomKent (33 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 | Hello!
That was a good monologue, and very well paced for a young writer, I would be interested to see what changes you would make if you tried to write it again, from scratch as a slightly older person. |
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