After publishing my poems in Lulu, I suffered a minor drought. This poem,dedicated to a good friend who commented in a review on love and feigning, has probably been gestating for a long time,so here it is in the hopes that the inspiration to write may return.
Feigned love.
It is not hard at all to feign a love.
The outward show is only too well known;
poets have left false lovers a treasure trove
of signs and symptoms ready to be shown;
the flush of cheek, the long and lingering sigh,
the heaving bosom and the trembling hand,
the covert glance or else the downcast eye,
the accidental meetings carefully planned.
But to what purpose then is all this feigning,
this sorting through the armory of false emotion ?
to persuade against the possible disdaining
by the chosen object of supposed devotion?
No, rather it's a deliberate inversion
Catering to Narcissus' own perversion.
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Oooooh you are awful...
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
But I like you.
I thought you had retired. We had a collection for you, remember. I feel cheated.
No matter. I'm glad you haven't gone. I like your poems. Because I can read them, see. Because they all seem to be in recognisible English and to be written by someone who is over thirteen and could pass the Eleven Plus. If there still was one, of course. Oh yes. I like them too because it sounds as though you are not emotionally retarded, are human and have a sense of humour. And you don't at all appear to be someone who spends all his waking hours reading infantile drivel from pop up books about beasties, ghouls and being abducted by aliens from Zog. But what really makes it for me is that your lines seem to be totally free from the barrel loads of precocious, contrived pretention I am so used to from assinine balloon head numpties on a soapbox who have manifestly swallowed a dictionary. All of which, from where I am standing ,cobber, makes you dam near unique on this Forum. Yes. That's why I am glad you haven't retired really.
Slan! |
Feigned Love
Written by CliffBowes (176 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
I am probably one of Gerards 'assinine balloon headed numpties' (although I am 72) but I must say PJ, I like this poem very much. and I would prefer to comment on its literary merits rather than criticise the attempts of other writers in a review of your work.
It is a well written poem beautifully worded and full of poetic meaning. I love the English sonnet form and congratulate you on a really good read.
PS. I too am glad you haven't retired.
Cliff. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
My only criticism is you keep threatening to retire and I've only just discovered your poems!
I'm no expert on poetry but I love the gentle humour of this piece. The last two lines finish it off nicely.
Regards,
Ben |
Written by Phil (6959 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
Very glad you're still posting Brian.
Enjoyed this Brian: the humour and the slight distain. I couldn't name it (if it has one) but I really liked the easy pulse/metre of this.
Is there a difference between pulse, rhythm and metre?
Phil
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Written by gwyddyn (28 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
I too really enjoyed this poem. The wording and form give the whole a somewhat Shakespearean feel.
I would possibly take issue with the 'it's' in the penultimate line - I think it detracts from the piece.
'No, rather it is ...'
or even:
'No, 'tis rather ...'
are more in keeping with the tone of the work.
Geoff
PS I'm fairly new here and didn't even know you had retired. Glad you haven't!! |
Written by gwyddyn (28 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
I too really enjoyed this poem. The wording and form give the whole a somewhat Shakespearean feel.
I would possibly take issue with the 'it's' in the penultimate line - I think it detracts from the piece.
'No, rather it is ...'
or even:
'No, 'tis rather ...'
are more in keeping with the tone of the work.
Geoff
PS I'm fairly new here and didn't even know you had retired. Glad you haven't!! |
Written by JourneyAtNight (318 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
Very good and too true!
Liked this, and very much enjoyed the satirical note throughout. The last two lines were especially sharp, finishing it off well.
Best wishes,
Esra |
Written by fellpony (1703 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
If Sinatra and Dame Nellie can do comebacks, why not patterjack?
Congrats on a clear, amusing, well expressed piece; I hope your inspiration (the real not the abstract Muse) appreciates the work  |
Appalling!
Written by gerardconnolly (1186 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
I think 'its' is wrong too. That's the kind of slovenly writing that ruined the works of Shakespeare. No wonder no one ever reads him.
Regards,
John Milton. |
Nicely put, Brian!
Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
\nothing to say really other than to agree 150% with the sentiments already expressed regarding you staying around for a long time yet, and the same query re: penultimate line.
For the record, the pentameter rhythm might even resolve thusly:
"Nay, rather, 'tis deliberate inversion
Catering to Narcissus' perversion"
nodding acknowledgment of Shakespearian speech patterns .... |
Crikey
Written by patterjack (1430 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 |
If this is the response I should retire more often !!!
But honest ,folks, though I have indeed been running on low lately-- the mention of retirement was only as part of the conditions of the Cambridge Press competition.
Scripsi , scribo , scribendum est or whatever the future subjunctive might be.
Many thanks to all ,
patterjack |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3559 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
As you know I like it and so it seems does everyone else.It has that quality which marks your work; the balance of being literary but also accessible.
jane. |
Written by gutterkitty (362 comments posted) 24th July 2007 |
| Enjoyed this, it flows and rhymes really well. I like your subject matter too: for me it is a comment on all dishonest, manipulative behaviour, and how pointless it is. I particularly like "accidental meetings carefully planned." |
How did I miss this?
Written by Talisker (1331 comments posted) 28th August 2007 |
Must've been in Tiree.
Notwithstanding Gerard "Milton" Connoly's comments, which are, I'm certain, heartfelt - though as always, somewhat daming by faint praise and ambiguity and multi-targetted - this is a fine little piece.
I like the sonnet form here, though I'm no expert, nor practitioner of classic forms in general - you just do it so well, Brian.
As for the subject matter - the narcissus has always been one of my favorite flowers. I suppose that I feel somewhat chastised, but ever so elegantly!
P.S. So that is what Lulu does these days? The multi-faceted wee Scottish trollop! That really makes me wanna shout!
P.P.S.
Old poets never do retire,
Whilst there is life in voice and lyre.
A balladeer awaits the reaper,
To drag reluctant pen from paper!
Oli
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