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By Livinginanattic
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22 July 2007 |
I got the idea for this during my commute on the Tyne & Wear Metro. Whenever you see a small child travelling there I find it's best to keep well away, unless you've got a good set of earplugs!
24 July: Changed Verse 3, Line 1.
I see the buggy and anticipate
The piercing cries that make my eardrums ache,
But something strange must have come around
As the little man slumbers without a sound.
The infant stirs from his peaceful bliss
With puckered cheeks and clenched up fists.
His mam goes 'Shhh!' to calm him down
And once more, peace and silence reign.
The murmur of the engine and the rumble of wheels
Are the only noises; this can't be real?
For what I've witnessed is the rarest thing:
A quiet baby on a Metro train.
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Written by Phil (6675 comments posted) 22nd July 2007 | Travel (of any kind) was the only thing that stopped our youngest screaming - until he was about eleven months old.
Simple story told in verse. Worked.
Phil. | this can't be real?
Written by uche (44 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | Living, vivid poetry; you may wish to re-consider stanza 3, line 1: why not CLANG instead of clank? then stanza 3, line 2: the exclamation at the end of this can't be real may not be quite necessary, since the stanza 1 gives us a mood of the persona...mere observation.
| My sentiments exactly!
Written by Clifftown (619 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | This is my kind of poetry - something I can actually understand, written clearly!
I must admit, while I find the screaming babies irritating, I do wonder what's going through their little heads as the train "clanks and squeaks" - half the time I envy them as I'd love to be sitting there screaming my own head off!
Enjoyed. | Thanks for your comments
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | Phil, I travelled on a mainline train recently and there were two or three quiet babies so perhaps it's just the Metro.
Uche, thanks for your advice. Today I noticed the main sounds were the engine and the wheels rumbling so I'll have another look. I checked the meanings of 'clang' and 'clank' and I think I prefer 'clank'. Will change the ! to a ? though.
Clifftown, it's the screeching sound of the train going round a corner that gets me. Any baby that sleeps through that must be under heavy sedation!
Cheers,
Ben | Hello
Written by Josie (2769 comments posted) 14th September 2007 | | Just reading your poem and it is very good. As was said, it was a little story in a poem. Your rhythm was a bit out in the first verse - especially the first line. You can see how short it is. Easy to put right. The subject? I know it well. All babies and toddlers go to sleep as soon as transport starts moving. That's why rocking the cradle is as good as it ever was. Good effort. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 16th September 2007 | Thanks Josie. Actually you seem to have completely misunderstood this poem. Babies on the Metro nearly alway kick up a fuss - I think the frequent stops and the coming and going of passengers must disturb them. This story is the exception that proves the rule, if you like. On the mainline trains they seem a bit quieter.
As for the rhythm of the first verse, I can't see anything wrong with it. The first line looks short but the syllable count is the same as the next 2. It seems fine to me but you must have read it differently. Anyway it's useful to see how different people interpret your work so once again, thanks. |
Written by Gwynedd (53 comments posted) 28th July 2008 | I don't know much about poetry but the title is great and pulled me in. I was also wondering what the train noise must sound like to a baby and is it frightening.
I also marvel at the way we can block out 'unnatural' noises such as the train and cars and planes and construction work but natural sounds like a baby crying breaks through our white noise. People are interesting and that's good for writers and poets.
I enjoyed the poem with my limited knowledge. Gwyn |
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