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By maipenrai
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23 July 2007 |
used, then thrown away. sometimes I wear my medals,
sometimes folk ask me
what are they for?
I tell them, they nod and sometimes
put a little extra in my begging bowl.
but I'm ok tonight,
got my whisky in my
brown paper bag,
got my brown cardboard box
that I call my home and
I've got Kevin's sleeping bag
to keep me nice and warm,
poor old Kev he don't need it no more,
it was that aids that did for Kev.
sometimes after the whisky
I fall asleep humming
the British Grenadier. |
Written by Phil (6549 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | I think it was you who did a piece about how we treat old soldiers - this has slight echoes of that. Liked this, it works and touches on many different themes. I'd be tempted to leave the last line off. Readers should still know he was a soldier - you've made that clear enough. (Kevins is a plural. Should be - Kevin's - possessive apostrophe.) Phil | Written by fellpony (1536 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | | I liked this Bernie - but i think the last two lines are overkill (if you'll pardon the pun). I don't think you need to SAY he was a soldier at all... other than that, well worked. | Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 | Very moving. I agree with Phil's and Sue's comments regarding the ending. In fact I would end it like this: "sometimes after the whisky I fall asleep humming the British Grenadier." | thanks Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 24th July 2007 | to Phil, Fellpony and Seagull, your consrutive comments are taken on board and I am now of to make a edit Bernie | constuctive Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 24th July 2007 | even | Written by Fledermaus (3207 comments posted) 24th July 2007 | Sad, but so true... They send those boys away to fight for "peace" and "democracy", empty words just to get politicians re-elected. They brave gunfire and bombs, throw away their lives for their "fatherland" and have to watch their friends die, and as a reward, they get a peace of metal or a flag draped over their coffin. The only thing more disgraceful than letting them down so horribly is that afterwards they are blamed for the failures and autrocities of wars that were started by those same politicians. A very good piece. | Thanks Written by maipenrai (783 comments posted) 25th July 2007 | Fledermaus for your comments. Bernie |
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