Not sure if this is funny. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but when I read it back, it seemed a bit flat. Thought I'd post it up anyway. Be honest, I'd rather know.
Arkwright ‘accidentally' released.
The CEO of Doncaster's high security mental institution, St Southerner's, has today accidentally released long time patient, Noah Arkwright. Arkwright, committed seventeen years ago on grounds of high delusion, has gone to ground. Friends suspect he is hiding out at the Arkwright family workshop on top of Rose Hill. In 1990, Arkwright was sectioned after violently refusing to give up his large menagerie of animals.
Neighbour, Emily Craven, said: ‘The've not let that bloody nut case out ‘ave the? Before you can say YLO ‘e'll ‘ave us surrounded with soddin' tigers and such again.'
In a statement, South Yorkshire Police say that Arkwright is not particularly dangerous but should not be approached by Southerners. In further developments, CEO of St. Southerner's - Julian Nonce-Smyth from Harrogate, was arrested and charged with behaviour likely to endanger the pubic and corruption. It has been suggested that Nonce-Smyth bartered Arkwright's freedom for a berth on his rumoured boat. He is being temporarily held in Arkwright's old cell as Doncaster prison is flooded.
Arkwright's sons, Shem, Japheth and Hem, have kept the family joinery business going in the absence of their father. A visit to their MySpace pages revealed many recent proposals of marriage for each brother. Shem is said to be considering proposals from qualified vets and Japheth from Michelin chefs. Hem's requirements are a little more basic. His profile says: ‘I'm looking for a good Yorkshire lass who goes like a rabbit.' All three MySpace pages feature requests for gopher wood.
As the waters continue to rise, some residents of Doncaster have suggested that Arkwright shouldn't have been committed at all and are petitioning the local health trust to review his case.
In a separate incident, Arkwright's wife has been arrested following a ram raid on the Pets R Us feed depot in Barnsley.
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Written by philkent (157 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
Well it made me chuckle Phil. Quite a timely little piece as well, given the appalling weather.
Makes you wonder how some of those Old Testement prohpets would fair in these modern times. |
Written by wltshr (341 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
I must be thick.
It wasn't until the gopher wood that I was sure. Up to then all the names mentioned had a good solid Yorkshire ring to them.
Any road up, it's us nancy-boy southerners that are suffering now.
Thank God for Maggie. If she hadn't closed the mines all Yorkshiremen would have drowned by now.
Well timed
Wltshr |
Written by Phil (6838 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
Maggie? 
Funny how even Shem, Japheth and Ham can have a Yorkshire ring when in context.
Thanks for reading Phil and Wilts.
Phil.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3446 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
You're getting dangerously surreal, Phil. There's shades of dear old Spike here. I really liked the take on this and as for funny
"not particularly dangerous but should not be approached by Southerners."
that had me laughing,all right. I know just what you mean.
As for "Shem, Japheth and Ham" I think you can get one in Pret-a-Manger, best without mayo
A well structured bit of silliness
cheers
jane |
Written by fellpony (1656 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
You got me, I too didn't catch on until the mention of gopher wood. The requirements of Hem's wife had me chuckling.
Am I glad I live on a hill ... |
Written by Livinginanattic (466 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
I think you got off to a great start with the name 'St Southerner's'. Then you kept it going with a good supply of gags and a nicely topical reference to the floods.
Enjoyed!
Ben
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Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
As Jane says, quite surreal Phil. Nicely topical and well thought out and I particularly loved the last para re Arkwright`s wife. Funnily enough I`ve just done a piece elsewhere involving Gordon Brown talking on the phone to Noah about flood defences..
Cheers
Roger |
Hey up - watters rising!
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
Had to read this twice. The first time I skimmed through it, thinking, "Hmm Phil thinks this is a bit flat - I think he's right"
Then I read the others comments and read it again and thought, "Hmm Phil thinks this is a bit flat - but what does he know, he only wrote the bugger!"
OK, it's not side splittingly funny but there's enough there to make me chuckle! Some good lines in there; and more digs at southern nancies in t'arrogate enclave! Have you thought of scripting it?
Could do with a punchier title though!
All t'best!
Chris |
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2326 comments posted) 23rd July 2007 |
| I too needed awhile to catch on, but once I did, and had read it twice, I really enjoyed it. It's amazing to think that so many of us missed the jokes on the first read, when on the second they are so obvious. |
Written by Lizzy (822 comments posted) 24th July 2007 |
It took me a while too but a good read and made me laugh.
To work out whether I could be considered an honorary Northerner or not where would you consider that the 'North' ends and the 'South' starts?
Lizzy |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 25th July 2007 |
| The idea is clever, and given what he'd spend on maintenance, the boat would hardly stay afloat long. I agree with the reviewer above, there's a certain Yorkshire flavour to the names Shem, Ham and Japeth. Enjoyed it. |
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