Following the recent failed terrorist attacks in the UK by extremist NHS medical staff, Al-Qaeda announced all future attempts to murder the British population would be carried out by private doctors.
 

“We had to wait over a year for that operation in Scotland,” said an anonymous spokesman telephoned by the Daily Mail, “and the Glaswegians mistook it for an average stag night. The number of forms you need to fill in these days to commit an atrocity is outrageous – all this administrative stuff should just be contracted out to call centres in Pakistan”.

An inflamed head of the NHS Suicide Bombers Union, Ali Charcoal, responded that his members were victims of underfunding and a shortage of public sector virgins meant there was less incentive to take their own lives.

“I firmly maintain that the intervention of BUPA will create a “two-tier terror system”, and failure to keep up with the annual rate of inflammation will lead to many infidels having to pay to have themselves blown up. You ain’t got a light on you by any chance, mate?”