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Shorts
Introduction
By Fledermaus
26 July 2007
This isn't realy a short-story, but I made up a bunch of characters years ago, and unfortunately they began to grow into Mary-Sues. The idea was to make  an online comic, with a bit of a drama-series plot. I've grown to love the characters too much though, and it's pretty hard to write anything about them. Today I decided that if I want this idea to become something at all, I have to start somewhere...

NB. Some of the characters have weird names, because this started out as a comic.
Any ideas and criticism are very welcome.

Sasja picked up the glasses and took them to the kitchen. There she froze. Sonya and Bit were celebrating their new life together in their own fashion. They were in eachother's arms, kissing tenderly, obvously unaware of the younger sister's presence.
She placed the glasses on the sink and tried to slip out unnoticed, but just as she had turned around, she could hear Sonya's voice.
" Are you enjoying yourself?"
" Uhm... Yes. It's a great party."
" I noticed you can get along well with Jimmie?"
" Oh yes, he seems very nice. And smart..."
Sonya looked at her boyfriend with a conspiring gaze. It made Sasja feel slightly uncomfortable, especially when Bit returned the gaze with a meaningful smile.

" What?"
" Oh nothing. But we just said to eachother how much the two of you have in common."

Sasja frowned.
" And..."
" Nothing. We just wondered..."
" Wondered about what?"
" Well, he is nice, handsome and smart... Single..."
" I don't need a boyfriend if that's what you were thinking."
" Oh we weren't thinking anything, were we Bit? Let's get the snacks from the oven. The guests must be hungry."

Sasja walked back into the living-room. The only free seat was the one on the couch next to Jimmie, but she wasn't too sure if she wanted to take that now. Who knew what they had told him about her?

Reviews

Written by Snodlander (501 comments posted) 26th July 2007
Technically 'eachother' should be 'each other'. 
 
'she could hear Sonya's voice.' - personal style, but to me that sounded as though she was overhearing Sonya talking to someone else. I think it would be less confusing to either re-word it as something like, 'Sonya called out to her' or have Sonya say 'Sasja, are you enjoying yourself?'. As is it's not immiately obvious that it is Sasja talking with Sonya. 
 
Pedantic technicalities aside, you're right, this isn't a story, it's a snippette of one. I'd like to read this in context, as part of a longer story. As it stands there's not enough there for me to really critique. Sorry.\ 

Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 27th July 2007
Thanks Snodlander. 
I just had to start somewhere, for the longer I wait, the harder it gets. Thanks for the comments. They're very helpful.  
Although it's just hobby, I do want this to become something good in the end, so any critcism is very welcome.

Written by Phil (6675 comments posted) 27th July 2007
It is a little short to crit properly. I'm not a fan of too much dialogue, but if this was in a longer piece it would be better balanced.  
 
I wonder if you could show Sasja's discomfort rather than stating it? 
 
I'll look out for more. 
 
Phil.

Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 27th July 2007
Not much here, but what is here is good. Definitely has potential. In such a short piece you've already set up two characters well. Keep going:)

Written by Fledermaus (3246 comments posted) 27th July 2007
Thanks Phil and Gill. 
More will definately come. ;)

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