Look, it's been a bit slow at work this week.
The Headquarters of MI5.
Int. Waiting room. Day
Three people, two men and a woman are sat well apart from each other. They flick through magazines, fiddle and fidget, look at their watches. There is no attempt at conversation. It all so English. After a few minutes a door opens and a middle-aged man enters; he is carrying a brief case and a clip board. The men and women suddenly become alert and look at him. He speaks.
MAN: You know why you're here?
He looks at them in turn. In turn they nod.
MAN: You know it's vitally important in these troubled times that we have unquestioning obedience and loyalty?
He looks at them in turn. In turn they nod.
MAN: You understand that the position you're applying for is vital for the safeguard and welfare of the country?
He looks at them in turn. In turn they nod.
MAN: You realise that in extreme cases you may be asked to (BEAT) kill for your country?
He looks at them in turn. There is no hesitation. In turn they nod.
MAN: Very well. (Consults list on clipboard) Jenkins?
JENKINS: Sir?
MAN: (Opening his brief case and taking out pistol) This Jenkins is a Walther PPK. Are you familiar with the weapon?
JENKINS: No sir.
MAN: Not to worry, all you have to do is pull the trigger.
JENKINS: Yes sir.
MAN: Now then Jenkins, bearing in mind what I've said about unquestioning obedience and loyalty I want you to go into that room there (He gestures) where you'll find your wife.
Jenkins looks startled.
Using the Walther PPK I want you to kill her. Understand?
JENKINS: I can't do that. Absolutely not. No way!
MAN: You may leave now. You have failed the test.
Jenkins leaves.
MAN: (consults clipboard) Bailey.
The remaining man stands up with an eager look on his face.
BAILEY: I'll shoot the bitch; she's bin shagging my best mate for years and I've only just found out.
MAN: Quite. Through that door Bailey you will find your 80 year old mother, Elsie. I want you to go into that room and using the Walther PPK kill her.
Bailey looks horrified.
BAILEY: I can't do that you sicko pervert bastard. What kind of a man do you think I am?
MAN: You may leave now. You have failed the test.
Bailey leaves.
MAN: (consults clipboard) Ms. Taylor I presume.
Taylor stands. She is wary and watchful.
In that room you will find your husband, Robert. I want you to go in there and kill him.
Taylor looks at the man and without saying a word takes the Walther PPK and goes into the room closing the door behind her. There is silence for a few seconds and then all hell breaks loose. We hear screeching, shouting, screaming, and lots of dull thuds. Finally there is silence. The door opens and Taylor stands there bloody but unbowed. The Man looks at her aghast.
Taylor: (Cool and unruffled; she gestures with the pistol) You forget to load the bloody thing; I had to beat him to death with a chair.
|
Written by wltshr (300 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
Good Gag! Not young, but still funny, and well delivered.
Wltshr |
I found it gently
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
dozing in the basement; distinct smell of piss but I thought it might scrub up a bit.
Chris |
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
Been guilty of resurrecting old gags into skits myself, so won't grumble at that. Panned out well though, decent transformation from joke to sketch.
Lacked your usual sharpness Sir William, but not three bad, nonetheless.
Alsithi
Givitsum |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
Quote:
Lacked your usual sharpness Sir William, but not three bad, nonetheless.
I think tha's bowled me a wrong 'un on a turning pitch - who is this Sir William to whom you refer?
Notifasithifirst!
Seagull |
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
Sir William of Gull, Royal surgeon the QE1, and rumoured to be Jack T' Ripper. Had to be a Yorkie, and was probably a long distance stage coach driver in his youth, prior to the invention of lorries.
Eckythumplad, does tha' not knorthi 'istory?
Sithiafter |
Hey up lad
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
Happens tha' means Sir William Withey Gull (1816 - 1890), doubt he could ha' bin Surgeon on QE1 as yon bugger wern't launched till 1938.
Like to keep a keen edge on t'razor tha knows!
Bloody wonderful thing this t'internet!!
Alsithi in Peacock!
S |
Written by Phil (6681 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
With the others: it's been around the block, but you did pretty well with it. Done the same myself with a story.
Alsithi too.
Peacock?
Phil. |
Properly known as
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 26th July 2007 |
The Old Peacock; it's just ovver road from t'ground!
I know it's an old 'un but I just fancied a bit of exercise tha' knos!
Chris |
Written by givitsum (651 comments posted) 27th July 2007 |
Royal Surgeon to Queen Elizabeth I was what I meant boss. But that's the bugger a'wo onabaat.
Cheers. |
You're too clever for me sir.
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 27th July 2007 |
| He was a distant relative of whom we prefer not to speak. I have the title now but use it sparingly: Sir C Gull causes hilarity when making telephone bookings! |
Written by coosh (850 comments posted) 30th July 2007 |
| Difficult to shake off the feeling of being told a joke, rather than reading a sketch - but thought you had a damn good stab at it. Is there any connection between the intro and the first line? |
This gun's for hire
Written by chorizos (5 comments posted) 31st July 2007 |
| A bit sick but it made me laugh. |
This gun's for hire
Written by chorizos (5 comments posted) 31st July 2007 |
| A bit sick but it made me laugh. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 2nd August 2007 |
I've heard it before but nice to be reminded of it,it was well structured and led to the punchline which was delivered to full effect. As Coosh said more of a joke than a script, maybe some funny/zany/surreal interplay between the characters would have made it more of a comedy script but by the sound of it it was just an enjoyable distraction for you so it stands as it is.
Well told
Jane |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 3rd August 2007 |
Thanks to all who commented. Yes, of course it's a well known joke but I was a bit bored and couldn't be energised to write anything original. I suppose the difficulty in reading a script is in being able to visualise it being acted out on the screen.
Didn't somebody else do a similar thing with a joke about a one legged chicken as an exercise to demonstrate that even old jokes could be used in comic sketches.
That's all it was; a writing exercise because I was bored!
Sir C Gull |
Written by sasquatch (125 comments posted) 9th August 2007 |
| i like the first four words, then i got a bit stuck. thought it tailed off in the middle, the end was a a gem however. |
Written by jimbo (83 comments posted) 19th August 2007 |
A successful stab at a writing exercise, then. Yeah okay, it's an oldie ... so am I.
Good job and, even though I'd heard it before, I still laughed. Good choice of joke for the exercise.
Cheers. |
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