Not a story, in fact a much abridged version of the one and only letter I've ever written to the council. Surprisingly, I did receive a rather polite reply.
Didn't know where to post. Could be non-fiction, but I have changed geographical and family details.
Dear Councillor Smith,
I am writing to you concerning the unnamed park at the top of Gladstone Road. As far as I know, this is the only bit of public greenery in the Bushills area. You may be aware that this park does not appear to have a name, more on that later.
Last Saturday, I took my three year old son to the park to play football. Far from having a good time in the fresh air, we spent twenty minutes dribbling round mounds of dog faeces. On returning home, both pairs of shoes had to be left at the back door due to being covered in dog dirt. In fact, my son was beshitted from foot to waist.
While the gates to the park have a notice demanding ‘no motorcycles,' there is no such notice instructing dog owners to control their dogs or remove faeces. There are no bins to deposit faeces, nor any encouragement whatsoever to keep dogs under control.
I return to the name of the park. As you know the whole area lies in a slight dip between Frear's Mill and the motorway. My I suggest Dog Turd Valley?
Yours sincerely,
Phil
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Councillor Phil
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 29th July 2007 |
Haha, well put. If i got that letter it would cheer me up no end! In fact i'd probably photocopy it and sent it round the office for laughs, no wonder you got such a polite reply. I'd love to have a dog, but the one thing putting me off is the total lack of bins around where i live. They mess can be awful. Something must be done! Well written  |
p.s
Written by Gill21 (566 comments posted) 29th July 2007 |
| I'd be inclined to pop it in non-fiction. Not that it really matters. |
Written by gedbackland (24 comments posted) 29th July 2007 |
Phil,
Beshitted is now my word of the week.
Thanks |
Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 30th July 2007 |
Phil, thank you for cheering up my Monday morning! I must say however, "dribbling round mounds of dog faeces" isn't a particularly pleasant image while you're eating your breakfast sandwich...
I'm intrigued about the reply you received, did the council take your suggestion on board? |
Written by johniebg (541 comments posted) 30th July 2007 |
| Not really sure what to say. I wish you had posted a summary of the reply. |
Written by Fledermaus (3306 comments posted) 30th July 2007 |
| Perhaps you can write it on cardboard and put it on the fence. I have seen several solutions to the dog droppings thing: In Switzerland they have special bins for it, and laws that oblige dog owners to use those, and in the Netherlands there are special areas where dogs are alowed to poo (marked with a clear warning sign). |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 31st July 2007 |
Dear Bolton resident,
In respect of your son, and recent beshittal thereof, much as we would be delighted to indulge in the months of mindless bureaucracy needed to resolve the namelessness predicament to which you refer, the project is unfeasible because:
i) this zone is currently reserved for a Council-funded canine faecal survey to determine the number of dung-oriented repositories which will be required when we concrete it over and create a future home for abandoned supermarket trolleys, used condoms and heroin syringes. Volunteers to collect deposits can enlist at www.crapinthecommunity.com, before we recycle them into black puddings and sell them to Waitrose outlets in Surrey. If you wish to continue to play football there, and are in Council Tax Band B, might I suggest you purchase one of our reasonably priced protective jumpsuits (available in Labrador beige and Guantanamo orange);
ii) the name you suggest could easily be confused in the Bolton Tourist Guide with Dogging Alley, adjacent to the Allardyce Slimming Centre (formerly the Nat Lofthouse Rest Home for Bewildered Wanderers).
Following a recent incident, the motorcycle warning was deemed top priority, and will be shortly followed by a sign showing the entrails of a Pekinese dangling from the spokes of a Moto Guzzi.
Furthermore, in our opinion, the situation would not be enhanced by the invention of ridiculous, infantile names.
Yours sincerely,
Vanilla Cockspittle QC
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 31st July 2007 |
I wonder what the outcome will be - will they install bins, and will anybody ever empty them?
Enjoyed, but I think Coosh has just put me off black puddings!
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 31st July 2007 |
Thanks for reading everyone.
Miss Cockspittle - Vanilla?
Great reposte Coosh.
Phil |
Written by andybyers (171 comments posted) 3rd August 2007 |
You left me curious about the response too.
Why would a QC wind up working for a town council? Involved in a sex scandal? |
Written by coosh (868 comments posted) 3rd August 2007 |
| Knew there was one bit that didn't sound authentic - just couldn't place it! |
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 5th August 2007 |
| I'd have liked to have read the whole letter you sent. Separate thought but it's just come to me and if I don't write it down straight away I'll forget it... Ahh bollocks! |
Just remembered
Written by Seagull (174 comments posted) 5th August 2007 |
Perhaps we could have a section for spurious letters rather like the Henry Root thing back in the 80's.
Cheers
Sir C Gull |
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