A question

[jaudrey]

Hi everyone, I have a quick question on the proper use of person within this example; my question being, it's written in 3rd person, with one character thinking about another character.... she does this, she does that... can I then make the sift to... you are this, your are that... see below, and thanks...

The man, the father, the husband lays ravished by disease withered and decayed beneath crisp white sheets. His days and nights are a feverish blend of confusing death dreams intermingled with bits of reality that are to him indistinguishable from one another.
His wife sits at the end of their bed in this darkened room that holds no value to him or any connection to anything from his life. It is a meaningless room, small and paneled and unfamiliar. Why is he here? And then there is nothing, just the black emptiness that comes and takes him and that is so much of his life now.
He sees his wife. She is lovely and she is beautiful. She is small with long black hair and light blue eyes. Her skin is pink and smooth and she looks warm and weary after a hot bath. She is wrapped in her heavy white terrycloth bathrobe that he knows brings her comfort. She is not aware that he is watching her.
She stands now and walks to the dresser and pick up a pile of clothes she placed there earlier. She carries them back to the bed. He sees her robe fall open as she selects from the pile a lace and silk g-string that she bought earlier and just for this occasion. She slips her legs through the thin lace straps and pulls them up. He knows she feels the coolness of the fine red silk front against herself. She puts on the black lace garter. She rolls up one of the silk black stockings, then the other. She puts on her new black and red lace bra, it fits well and he knows it makes her feel better, more assured. She looks amazing, but there is no one there that can tell her that. She turns and looks at him, but he cannot say speak and she cannot tell that he is watching her. She walks back to the dresser and finishes the glass of red wine that she started while in the tub. She places the empty wine glass back on the dresser. She puts on her jewelry; all fake, of course, nevertheless it shines and it glitters and it too, he can tell, makes her feel good. She applies her red lipstick and dabs on her perfume.
You’re downstairs now and it’s just slightly past the time you should have left. If you’re going to back out, now is the time to do it. You look in the long hallway mirror and you’re happy with how you look. The short tight black dress fits well. Your high black boots are on and you know you’re ready. You put on your long black coat and take one last look in the mirror; go, just do it, please, you tell yourself, and before you can change your mind you open the door to the cold winter darkness and you go.

[Sue]

Hmm, that became odder and odder as it went along, but I think I see the reasoning and by the end it's quite calculating and chilling. It might be even more so if you didn't describe the state of the man lying in the bed: don't say he's old or diseased, and let us make up the back-story - is he dying of natural causes, or does she have two guilty secrets?

Actually, what you're asking about here is not a change of tense (it's all still in the present) but a change of person. And, I don't think it works. It's too much a jolt.

Why not stick with 3rd person, "she"?

Also, that opening sentence ... you probably mean lies ravaged rather than lays ravished . Both come from the same source originally but now have rather different connotations.

[jaudrey]

thx Sue, I am just playing with an idea for a story and trying to get a fix on the situation... I need to establish that the man is dying, as from there, I will be to go to many different places due to his delirium, but agree will not say from what... not sure why I would like to make the shift from 'she', to 'you'... but it seems that if it were me laying in the bed thinking about someone, I would think in the sense of 'you', not 'she'... but really wasn't sure if this would be grammatically correct or not? still not sure, and definitly could use some help with this...