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Jiggery Pokery

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Jiggery Pokery

Postby george_morehead » Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:50 pm

Here is something ive written
which you might be able to help me with

Jungle Smash

Once upon a time
on a rocket
in space
there was nearly
a soft toy massacre,
when
all the soft toys were flung
venomously out the window

Sahweeee!
"see yah"
Tigers, Monkeys, Penguins,
lobstar, frog and a girafee


Comfy grass broke their falls
surrounded by trees
jungle smash
under the stars
"the soft toys have landed"
on turtle moon

The tigers hunt newspapers
The monkeys cut out letters
Froggy goes pop whistle pop
The lobstar cooks, dinner
The penguins stick togethor
and after breakfast
girafee went to Sheffield to see Jess

Im having trouble deciding which i prefer - lending the piece a a space theme with the rocket and the moon or setting the entire thing in a house in london
which would then read

Jungle Smash

Once upon a time
in a house
in london
there was nearly
a soft toy massacre,
when
all the soft toys were flung
venomously out the window

Sahweeee!
"see yah"
Tigers, Monkeys, Penguins,
lobstar, frog and a girafee


Comfy earth broke their falls
surrounded by trees
jungle smash
under the sky
"the soft toys have landed"
on the grass

The tigers hunt newspapers
The monkeys cut out letters
Froggy goes pop whistle pop
The lobstar cooks, dinner
The penguins stick together
and after breakfast
girafee went to Sheffield to see Jess

- which do you prefer?
all suggestions welcome
george_morehead
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:08 am

Re: Jiggery Pokery

Postby Sue » Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:28 pm

George, this area is for discussion of poetry and poetic techniques, not for the critique of poems by members. I'd recommend you re-post it onto the Poetry forum to get reviews.
Sue
http://www.jackdawebooks.co.uk
Writing should be as transparent as possible.
User avatar
Sue
 
Posts: 212
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2011 11:33 pm
Location: Cumbria

Re: Jiggery Pokery

Postby george_morehead » Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:01 pm

oops i thought this was the place to put poems that needed work and editing before they were ready to go in the forum - my bad
george_morehead
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:08 am


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