Apocalypse Cow

[Messiah]

*

1:

Once upon a time there lived in Galilee of Nazareth an elderly couple, called Saint Joachim and Saint Anne, who had a beautiful daughter by the name of Mary.
Mary, a virgin, was engaged to be married to Saint Joseph, a poor Jewish carpenter.
Now it happened that an angel visited the virgin Mary and explained to her that she would conceive a son, and that she would name him Jesus. At first Mary was afraid and troubled by the angel's words. Being a virgin, Mary questioned the angel, "How will this be; seeing as how my betrothed giveth me not the prenuptial sausage?"
But all at once the door opened, and in came a bearded old man, and said, "Good evening, mistress virgin, why are you crying so?"
"Alas," answered Mary, "I have to conceive-ev-eth a manchild, and do not know how this shall be done."
"Leave everything to me," said the old man. He took her into a room which was quite full of straw, gave her a spinning-wheel and a reel, and said, "What will you give me if I do it to you?"
"My necklace," Mary replied.
"Do I look like I wear necklaces," snapped the old man. "No... If I am to give you a jolly good seeing-to I shall want in return the baby."
"Fair enough," said Mary. "I never wanted a kid in the first place."
"Then it's a deal," squealed the old man excitedly, hitching up his robe. "Now, just lie back and think of Israel."
After a few moments sizing things up he promptly set to work and by morning early had both given Mary his seed and spun straw into gold. Thereupon he locked up the room and left Mary in it alone.
So there sat the poor elderly couple's daughter, and for the life of her knew not if she was up the duff or how it was that straw could be spun into gold. And so she grew more and more frightened, until at last she fell asleep.

2:

While still engaged to Saint Joseph, Mary miraculously became pregnant, as foretold to her by the angel. However, when she told him of her pregnancy he felt disgraced by the knowledge that the child was not his own - Mary's apparent unfaithfulness carried a grave social stigma, so not only had he the right to annul his engagement to her but, under Jewish law, could have had her put to death by stoning.
Luckily for Mary, Saint Joseph was a simple soul and agreed to continue with the marriage.
Soon after, and with Saint Joseph wishing to hurry things along before the bump showed, they were wed.

3:

A week before Mary was due to have her baby the happy couple were informed by the Inland Revenue that they must travel to Bethlehem, Saint Joseph's place of birth, to pay a special tax called Heregeld. And so, divest of her robes, Mary rode on a donkey for a few days over the hills of Galilee, by way of protest, because the people of faraway Coventry, to whom she had not once spoken, suffered terribly under the heavy taxes.
When at last Mary and Saint Joseph arrived in Bethlehem they found it crowded with many other people all eager to pay their tax. Mary was tired and needed a place to rest, but at every inn they tried the story was the same. There was no room for them. Eventually, a kindly innkeeper, taking pity on the pregnant virgin Mary, informed them that they were welcome to stay in the stable where he kept his animals – an insult which seems to have gone completely over the heads of both Christian scholars and followers alike.

4:

By daybreak, Mary was ready to give birth. It was at this time that three kings arrived and began showering her with gifts of gold, frankincense, myrrh, and marshmallows dipped in melted chocolate.
A moment later, and without a second thought to her arrangement with the child's father, she brought a beautiful boy into the world. But suddenly, from out a puff of orange smoke, the old man came upon her and said, "Now give me that which you promised."
Mary was horror-struck and offered the old man all of the gifts which lay strewn about the stable coated in the effluence of cows, pigs, sheep, and Saint Joseph.
When the old man saw the gold he was astonished and delighted, but his heart became only more greedy.
'No, something alive is dearer to me than all the treasures in the world," he said. "Give us y' baby."
Mary began to lament and cry, but the old man persisted with his demand.
He jumped high into the air and shouted, "Give us th' baby."
When Mary began to sob all the louder he hopped upon one leg and screeched, ''Give us th' baby!''
However, when Mary began to howl like a banshee the old man covered his ears and screwed up his face. "I will give you three hours,'' he said. ''If within this time you can correctly guess my name then I shall allow you to keep your child."
"What drives your desire to rob me of my firstborn?'' asked Mary, dabbing at her eyes with a lock of her son's long, blond hair.
''I need someone to take over the family business,'' replied the old man. ''I am loath to admit it but I have made somewhat of a pig's ear of things. I need a friendly face to front my empire before the whole thing falls flat on its arse.''

5:

For two and one half of an hour Mary thought of all the names that she had ever heard, so that when the old man returned she began with Yahweh, Elohim, Adonai, Jehovah, and said them all, one after another, but to every one the little man said, "That is not my name."
And so Mary thought of the most uncommon and curious names she had heard. ''Perhaps your name is haShem, or El-Shaddai, or Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh?'' she said, but to each suggestion the old man replied. "That is not my name."
''Rumpelstiltskin?''
''Nope.''
''Pimplesuncream?''
''Nope.''
''Apocalypse Cow?''
''Nyet.''
''Doctor Manhattan?
''Nein.''
''Allah?''
''Are you takin' the—''
''Oh God!'' screamed Mary. ''This is ridiculous!''
''Oh, dear Lord, bless me!'' cried the bearded old man. ''You have guessed correctly! Oi vey... That's Christianity buggered! In his anger he plunged his head so deep into the curious orange smoke that he disappeared up his own rectum and thus was neither seen nor heard from again for all of eternity.

THE END

[Messiah]

I cannot believe that out of 788 members not one has an opinion worth sharing! I’d even accept something curt.

Okay, be like that. I’m off now to post 4 pieces of my work at any one time.

[Brett]

Throwing holy relics out of your manger?

I can't say why there hasn't been any comments here - frankly I believe a lot of members too lazy to look beyond the latest posts (and on certain days I include myself there).

Though this does have its moments - ''I am loath to admit it but I have made somewhat of a pig's ear of things. I need a friendly face to front my empire before the whole thing falls flat on its arse.'' That to me was the highlight. Otherwise I did find it rather tired, the subject I mean - I think you really have to do something special to top a subject that has been done to death. And here, I don't think you have. The Rumplestiltskin gag is quite amusing but I just don't think powerful enough to make an original take on this.

Hwyl fawr

Brett

[Ben Allen]

From a beginners point of view, the beginner being me, it's hard to effectively criticise what you can only just do yourself.
I can make a comment and say 'I like/don't like this' but if someone asks why? I'm pretty much stuffed.
I'm gradually learning to break things down and find out what it is that I like and don't like about a work and why, but it's as much of a learning curve as writing a piece of my own.
This site attracts it's fair share of beginning/aspiring writers and many of them probably feel at a bit of a loss when trying to make an effective criticism or comment on someone else's work.


To comment on Apocalypse Cow.

I loved the title but was sorely disappointed by the lack of farm animals.
Cows, pigs, sheep and a donkey were mentioned but none played a major part in the story, although the donkey did get to travel a bit.

Ben.

[Messiah]

Brett, good on you for having the fortitude to speak (type) honestly. I find myself struggling to disagree with you - perhaps I, too, was tired when I wrote this. Although, and being honest, as honesty is on the menu, this was a very hasty cobbling together - cut and paste - of sections of a nativity story and slightly rewritten chunks of Rumpelstiltskin, after listening to, on the way to work, John Otway‘s Rumpelstiltskin.
Nothing too serious.
Must do better.
D-

Nih-weh çiw-yanukh.

Jeremiah Corns (The Machine Gun Meshugana)

[Messiah]

H’m… Animal Farm meets Rumpelstiltskin meets the Nativity Story? Now there IS an idea!

Cheers, Ben.

JC (Beware of my followers, cos I’m sure they’re gonna get you, yeah).

[Sue]

The reason I didn't comment on this is that I read it late at night and thought I'd come back to it at a more reasonable hour on the next day or the next after that - and YOU CHANGED THE BLOODY TITLE. I mean, c'mon, Pimplesuncream doesn't look a bit like Apocalypse Cow, now does it?

Other than that, I'm with Brett - I too liked that line about needing a good front before the whole thing blows apart - but it wasn't knitted into the rest so I was a bit thrown as to whether RS was really God or just pasted in... and you answered that one already.

To Ben - good on you, realising that reviewing can be as good a learning exercise as writing...

[JamesAllen]

I have only just seen this so have only just been able to comment. As Ben stated, and can be seen by my own effort so far, being a beginner it is sometimes hard to pass judgement on writing.

I wont comment on the style, or punctuation, i will just comment on the overall piece, which i thoroughly enjoyed.

It made me laugh in places, and query certain aspects, but i did find it overall enjoyable.

[Messiah]

Sue,

“Pimplesuncream doesn't look a bit like Apocalypse Cow, now does it?”

No: Pimple has a rather nasty skin complaint whilst Apocalypse Cow shoots flames from her udders. Well spotted.

“I was a bit thrown as to whether RS was really God.”

No: Rumpel was just Mary’s guess as to God’s name. God, of course, is God. Or isn’t, as the case may be.

Regards,
Marine Bum Meshuggener.

[Messiah]

Dear James (the second on Ma Allen’s bright and bushy-tailed boys), I find your review a most magnanimous gesture. Thank you.

Regards,
Estee.