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Fishcake Day

General short fiction of under 5000 words.

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Fishcake Day

Postby NoHoldsBard » Fri Mar 02, 2012 5:20 am

"Mummy, mummy, it's Fishcake Day! Can we have fishcakes, mummy? Can we? Can we?"

"There's no such thing as fish, William," said mummy. "Or cakes. You're far too old to believe in such things. After dinner you'll do your tax return and pay the mortgage. If you're very good I'll let you paint the chimney, but only when you've finished the screws and fuses. Let's hear no more nonsense about fishcakes."

"But I spoke to John from Human Resources (formerly Personnel) at work today and he said that last year the Fisherman came and left a whole troutcake..."

"I've old you to stay away from that John. He's a bad influence on you with all his wild stories. Mind you, you can't expect anything better from his sort. I've seen his mother parading up and down the street in her shoes. She barely always wears a hat, and then only on her head."

"What's so wrong with that?" asked William. "I know someone who wears a waistcoat and uses it as a sail when the wind is in the East."

"It's wrong because it's unnatural and it's unnatural because it's wrong," said his mother. "You'll understand when you're younger. I'm your mother, and I learned what's what from my mother, and she heard it all from me, so everything I say is right. It's tried and tested knowledge. If there were such things as fishcakes, God would have given them frying pans."

"But mummy, John says..."

"John says," mimicked his mother. "John says! If I hear one more thing about John says, I'll stick you with the glue."

"John says they come from the sea," said William sullenly.

"And what would they be doing in the sea? It's all wet in there, in case you haven't heard. It's full of treasure ships and mermalades and pirate bootees. There's barely room to move, let alone cook supper."

"Well, he's invited me to tea," said William. "And they're having fishcakes."

"Go then, you ungrateful little tapeworm, and see how far they'll help you when your shirts are in a knot."

So William went. On the way he whistled a little tune to keep his spirits high, but it distracted him from his driving. "I'm not afraid," he told himself. "I've seen traffic lights before, but never red ones. I wonder what I should do?"

"I thought he'd never go," his mother muttered to herself. She took a packet of fishcakes from the freezer and read the instructions. "To cook from fresh," she read, "put in hot oil and wait until they're done." She sniffed them. They seemed fresh. She heated a teaspoon of oil over a candle, dipped a fishcake in it, and took a bite. It was very cold and hard to chew, but tasted wonderful.
Last edited by NoHoldsBard on Sat Mar 03, 2012 9:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby Samogon » Fri Mar 02, 2012 7:59 pm

This reminds me of Ramona the American show about family life. I Don't wish to watch that again.
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby NoHoldsBard » Fri Mar 02, 2012 8:25 pm

Presumably you mean 'is reminiscent of '? And you refer to the Canadian TV show? I have read your comments elsewhere, Samogon, and my respect for you is as low as it can be for any human being. Have the last word if you must, but know that you are not welcome here.
Last edited by NoHoldsBard on Sat Mar 03, 2012 2:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby Keith exD » Fri Mar 02, 2012 11:14 pm

Or anywhere
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby Ben Allen » Sat Mar 03, 2012 10:43 am

This reminds me of Moby Dick, the cartoon version, I don't wish to watch that again (although the spin off book was quite good - it was written by Merville or Melville or someone if you want to track it down)

No kangaroo's but I enjoyed it just the same.
Nasty streak of psychological humour running through it which carried the story off nicely with a predictable but wolfish grin of an ending.
(short comment but it only took me sixteen minutes with a hangover)

Enjoyed.
Ben.
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Splendid!

Postby Messiah » Sat Mar 03, 2012 11:20 am

.
Dear NHB, I had fully intended to give up on the thankless pastime of leaving comment on GW posts, but this has relit my fire – albeit that it is an extremely small fire that will no doubt burn itself out quite quickly.

I found ''Fishcake Day'' to be a most splendid yarn. The humour was well-paced and carried with it (for me) a post-apocalyptic surrealism reminiscent of (but NOT plagiarised from) the likes of ''The Bed Sitting Room'', ''Sleeper'' and ''Final Programme'', to name but a few. It also had touches of ''The Lost World'', by me, (but, in all honesty, I am biassed) which in turn has touches of ''A Boy and His Dog''.


''I've seen his mother parading up and down the street in her shoes.''
"What's so wrong with that?" asked William. "I know someone who wears a waistcoat and uses it as a sail when the wind is in the East."

"And what would they be doing in the sea? It's all wet in there, in case you haven't heard. It's full of treasure ships and mermalades and pirate bootees.''

"Well go then, you ungrateful little tapeworm, and see how far they'll help you when your shirts are in a knot."

"I'm not afraid," he told himself. "I've seen traffic lights before, but never red ones. I wonder what I should do?"

She heated a teaspoon of oil over a candle, dipped in a fishcake and took a bite. It was very cold and hard to chew, but tasted wonderful.


This is a lovely snapshot of a curious world that I would happily (were there more to read about it) read more about.

All the best,
Steve.



.
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Re: Splendid!!

Postby Ben Allen » Sat Mar 03, 2012 12:20 pm

Dear NHB, I had fully intended to give up on the thankless pastime of leaving comment on GW posts, but this has relit my fire – albeit that it is an extremely small fire that will no doubt burn itself out quite quickly.


Apologies to NHB for a minor hijack but regarding Steve's comment;

Steve,

Thankless pastime??
Your comments, replies and posts have been useful to me and my dubious posts since I joined GW (as well as often raising a smile or outright laugh)
I won't make a deal of it and will probably even be slated by 'the nameless one of the Sherry bottle' for daring to show appreciation of another GW member, but I think your posts, humorous, advisory, or otherwise would be sorely missed.
Further apologies to NHB for going off subject on your critique thread but I should imagine that you would also be in agreement with my comment.

I'm off now before I embarrass myself any further with more outbursts of protest.

All the best
Ben.
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby kanasta » Sat Mar 03, 2012 1:54 pm

I enjoyed this; it was funny and sad. I think it's too absurdist to be extended much and I'd see it more as a surreal parable that stands alone than as a foundation for anything lengthier (not a criticism, just an observation).
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby Lizzy » Sat Mar 03, 2012 2:32 pm

Enjoyed this. Made me smile!
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Re: Fishcake Day

Postby NoHoldsBard » Sat Mar 03, 2012 2:54 pm

Thanks Ben. Your comment reminds me of one Hermann Goering once made, back in 1942. It was about a tin of tuna fishcake, as I recall. It had many irregular German verbs. I wouldn't want to hear that again!

I'll remeber to put more kangaroos in my next piece. ;)

Paul
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