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The Musician

General short fiction of under 5000 words.

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The Musician

Postby rutheleanor » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:39 pm

The Musician

The short story is based on our cruise.
My husband and I were enjoying our first cruise and had joined the old ship at Bergen. This was at the end of April and the first week in May. We were cruising the ffjords. It was a beutiful trip and we had planned our trips and were looking forward to them. We stopped at many of the towns such as Alesund, Molde, Trondheim, crossing the arctic cirle and passing the Lofoten Islands and heading North as far as Kirknes before heading south again. We had trips to see the sea eagles and did some bird watching. We also visited the Russian border on a four wheeled buggy. The cruise was beautiful but it was even better because of a new passenger who joined this working ship.
One day I noticed a new passenger on the cruise ship. He was a handsome young guy. Wearing dark blue jeans, a jersey and a cheery smile and had boarded just before the arctic circle.
He was doing something, that to me was rather strange. He was laying cables round the ship. A very friendly young man who was very happy to be alive.
I discovered that he had come on board equipped with his own amplifier and saxophone; eager to share his passion for music.
Through his music and passion for the saxophone he shared his beautiful music. His music is classical and he plays it exquisitely developing the mood of the cruise as he feels is appropriate. This young man has such a passion for his music that he looks to the mountains and the water as he plays.
His music is relaxing and beautiful and most of all he believes in it. He stands in the corner of the railing facing the stern of the ship. He is cold so he wearing the coat of the captain which he has baorrowed along with a wooly hat.
When two ships from the same company pass one another it is customary for them to recognize one another by blowing their horns. The power of this young mans music is also enjoyed by other cruise ships as they passed by. The passengers are lining the decks and you can tell they are enjoying as they wave and clap as the ship sales by.
He remained on board the ship over night so was able to play well into the evening and also part of the next morning.
Alas his visit to our cruise ship was all too short. He left quietly at another port just beyond the arctic circle. He would board another ship so so that passengers could enjoy the benefit of his amazing talent.
This is his job and he told his story to interested passengers. It was amazing to hear that he had given up a good teaching job in Norway. This did not fill his inner need. He wanted to develop his music and passion and wanted to pass it on to cruise ship passengers. He was able to join passengers for lunch and we were able to chat with him briefly and he let us know he loved what he was doing and it was not for the money. His desire was to help others.
I hadn't, seen a street musician but a boat musician.


:|
Last edited by rutheleanor on Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:09 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: The Musician

Postby rutheleanor » Tue Jul 10, 2012 10:41 pm

Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: The Musician

Postby TJW » Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:18 am

Doesn't read like a short story, reads more like the outline to a short story. Put some meat on the bones. Much obliged for the read.
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Re: The Musician

Postby rutheleanor » Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:43 am

Thanks for your comments. I will try and do as you say and hopefully improve it. This was my first attempt. :)
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Re: The Musician

Postby Ben Allen » Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:50 am

Agree with TJW that it needs fleshing out.

The reader might like to know which ports the musician embarked and disembarked at. The kind of music that he played, specific pieces or maybe just improvising. Was it soft and jazzy or classically influenced?
You say that he was friendly, did you get to talk to him or learn a little about his life? What 'good job' did he give up?
How did passengers on the other ships respond to his music, maybe waved or clapped?

Just things to think about as you write, try and live through it and get it all down, as much as you can, let the reader know.

A bit of an ulterior motive in all this encouragement because I always wanted to be a travelling musician ;)

Should be an interesting story when it's done.

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Re: The Musician

Postby rutheleanor » Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:31 pm

Have just edited The musician so would appreciate your comments again. By the way Ben just go for it.!
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Re: The Musician

Postby Ben Allen » Wed Jul 11, 2012 9:32 pm

Hi,
This is developing nicely with more detail. I think that you need to watch your tenses, past/present. Be aware of typing errors such as 'beutiful' - beautiful.
rutheleanor wrote:One day I noticed a new passenger on the cruise ship. He was a handsome young guy. Wearing dark blue jeans, a jersey and a cheery smile and had boarded just before the arctic circle.
He was doing something, that to me was rather strange. He was laying cables round the ship. A very friendly young man who was very happy to be alive.

Going out on a limb, perhaps this could be changed around to something like: and a cheery smile that said he was happy to be alive.
His jeans are dark blue but I wonder what colour his jumper was?

rutheleanor wrote:I was to discover that he had come aboard at one of the ports to share his passion for music equipped with his own amplifiers and instrument

Perhaps: I discovered that he had come on board equipped with his own amplifier and saxophone; eager to share his passion for music.

With a bit of luck one of the more experienced GW writers will jump in to help out a little on this. Don't worry about editing and re-editing and then editing some more, it's the only way to get it right - for yourself and the reader.

rutheleanor wrote:By the way Ben just go for it.!

Aaah, what a dream, sadly, it will stay that way...

Ben
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Re: The Musician

Postby Wolf's Rain » Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:43 pm

I think you should show more and tell less. This does not mean to add more tidbits about your journey, but for you to focus on the subject and theme of the story and illuminate it with specifics over generalizations.

Here is an example of what I mean. Please take this as opinion and not fact. I actually liked the original version of your story.


One day we noticed a new passenger on the cruise ship. He shivered, wearing only dark blue jeans, a jersey and a smile. He had boarded just before the Arctic Circle, carrying amplifiers and a saxophone. Now he was doing something odd, laying cables round the ship.

The musician stood in the corner of the railing facing the stern, bundled in the captain’s borrowed coat and a wooly hat. Facing sheer cliffs and deep waters, he began to play.

The amplified music flooded the deck, elevating our moods as we listened to the young man’s soothing melodies.

Another cruise ship passed us and both boats blew their horns. The other boat’s passengers lined the deck, waving and clapping as he played his polished brass instrument.

Alas his visit was all too short. Our musician played well into the evening and for part of the next morning, but then left at a port beyond the Arctic Circle. He would board another ship and share his talent with its crew.

During our last meal with him, he had said he had given up teaching in Norway. He worked not for money, but to fulfill an inner need: his passion for his music and his desire to share it with others.
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Re: The Musician

Postby Wolf's Rain » Wed Jul 11, 2012 10:56 pm

I do like the added info in the second draft but I felt it was unnecessary. Thanks for sharing, though. I just spent the last hour taking a virtual internet tour of Norway!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Phot ... petite.jpg

http://www.moldejazz.no/2012/

http://shutter.kuvat.fi/kuvat/Base/

The troll Wall and Alesund were particularly interesting.
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Re: The Musician

Postby Ben Allen » Wed Jul 11, 2012 11:30 pm

Oh dear, this could cause confusion. One saying more, one saying less. Could be that it's a question of balance. Honing in on the important aspects of the tale but keeping a little colour and general interest as well.

Just a thought after reading through the comments as a whole.

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