The Musician

[Wolf's Rain]

Oh dear, this could cause confusion. One saying more, one saying less. Could be that it's a question of balance. Honing in on the important aspects of the tale but keeping a little colour and general interest as well.

Just a thought after reading through the comments as a whole.

Ben

To be clear, I'm not disagreeing with your earlier posts, Ben.

I don't know what the writer's intent is, so I'm not sure what sort of story this is supposed to be. For example, if this was story in a travel magazine, then I would want to see lots of minute detail, lots of city names, etc. However, I thought the story's focus was on the young man and his love for music, so that's what I zeroed in on. Either way, I like the story because--intentionally or unintentionally--it taught me a few things about Norway. I would definitely like to visit Alesund. Just pronouncing the city names was enjoyable. Funny how to me they sounded sort of Germanic, and so I could translate their meanings without knowing Norwegian.

[Messiah]

I suppose that one really should enquire, prior to labouring over a lengthy critique, as to whether you posted your anecdote here on GW seeking to improve as a writer or simply to share your holiday snaps?

M.

[Ben Allen]

To be clear, I'm not disagreeing with your earlier posts, Ben.

No, I wasn't thinking that, I was just concerned that two enthusiastic views on the same subject might confuse the writer...
I'd probably want to know who made the saxophone and where it was bought if I really went to town I find this a very interesting story and hope that the author has the enthusiasm to develop it in either direction.

All the best
Ben

[Messiah]

I suppose that one really should enquire, prior to labouring over a lengthy critique, as to whether you posted your anecdote here on GW seeking to improve as a writer or simply to share your holiday snaps?

However, that said, I found myself with a little spare time.

I will review the piece as it now stands (552 words), including the hastily bolted on intro “fix”.
I will not be going into detail on the numerous spelling mistakes, but will mention grammar.

HOW TO EXPRESS ONESELF:

552 words, among which are a smattering of:

Cruise – cruising – cruise – ship – cruise ship – ship – cruise – ship – two ships – cruise ships – ship – ship – cruise ship – another ship – cruise ship.

Music - music - music - music - music - music - music - music - musician – musician.

Passenger - passenger - passengers - passengers - passengers - passengers – passengers.

Young guy - young man - young man - young mans.

TRIPPING UP:

It was a beutiful 'trip' and we had planned our 'trips'... We had 'trips' to see...

REPEAT PERFORMANCES:

We are told “(he) boarded just before the arctic circle.” Soon after we are informed “...he had come aboard at one of the ports.”
Yes, we know; it was just before the Arctic circle.

“AM YOU BIG GUILTY OF AMBIGUITY?”
EXAMPLES:

I saw a man eating lion. I saw a man-eating lion.

''Zom was eating a jelly donut with one hand while frying bacon in a skillet with the other.''
Here, we have Zom B. ''Cannibal'' Lectern enjoying a jelly doughnut and some poor victim's hand, while at the same time frying his victim's other hand in a skillet, along with some bacon.

YOU WROTE:

He stands in the corner of the railing facing the stern of the ship. He is cold so he wearing the coat of the captain which he has baorrowed along with a wooly hat.

An alternative (rewrite) version was then suggested: ''The musician stood in the corner of the railing facing the stern, bundled in the captain’s borrowed coat and a wooly hat.''

In both cases we must assume that the railing faces the stern, not the musician; he merely stands in the corner of the railing.
Alternatively, “He stands at the corner of the railing, facing the stern,” informs the reader that it is the musician who faces the stern.
In the suggested rewrite our musician would appear to be wearing a coat and woolly hat that the captain himself has borrowed from an individual whose identity remains unknown.

Here is your original, with a touch of cut & paste and a few minor tweaks: Wearing a coat and woolly hat borrowed from the captain, he stands at the corner of the railing, facing the stern.

“Of the ship” is superfluous, as “stern” is a nautical term. As well as this, we are already very much aware that you are all aboard a cruise ship.
We already know that you are cruising the Arctic circle, therefore “wearing a coat and woolly hat” speaks for itself. Yes, he is feeling the cold. There is no real need to spell it out. This is called “showing”, as opposed to “telling”.


That is all that I have time for at present.
Hope it helps in some small way,
JC.

[rutheleanor]

Hi there any other comments after re editing on the 12th. Would be much appreciated.
Ruth

[Messiah]

.

SEE ABOVE

"Collecting" comments will do nothing to improve your writing.

I would be very much surprised to discover that you have troubled yourself to do any real work on this since the five minutes in which it was written.