Smiling Waving etc.- removed

[Deborahhambrook]

Removed

[Ben Allen]

Hello Deb,

Not a critique, but just dropping by to say that I liked this.

Ben

[WendyPratt]

I like this Debs, it's simple and engaging, The rhymes feel unforced and the whole thing feels deceptively slight, sad.

The only thing that I didn't thin worked was that very last line, I think it's too much of a jolt?

Only my humble opinions of course.

wendy

[silvershoes]

Hi Deborah.

I enjoyed this to, though agree with Wendy that the ending does feel a little abrupt, and out of character with the rest. don't think it is so much the ideas expressed in the last few lines, but the fact it moves away from the more gentle rhymes and rhythmns. the question feels a little too direct.
You could just leave it at "still do". Or perhaps nice to work it back to the idea that rather than her lying before (about the being fine) perhaps its him that lying about the love yous? (Or perhaps he isn't? Just seems a bit odd to leave her if he loves her that much).

anyway I did like the nice reflective nature of it and the way one line seems to answer and echo the next.

Emma

[Deborahhambrook]

Thanks Ben, Wendy and Emma.

Wendy, I think it does end a bit abruptly. I was going to finnish with the title as the last line, but then decided to leave it out. I think I'll change the title and add a line to finish.
Emma, as for why he would leave if he loved her, it depends what he had to tell her.

Thoughts always welcome.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Deborah x

[silvershoes]

I guess that's true. I took it to be that his words were somewhat less than truthful, but you're right, it works lots of ways. perhaps he left her to die in some far off war, or has another family, and she's just the one he loved and lost.

Prefer this ending.. it creates the idea that it wouldn't have made any difference ultimately but that's what she wants to think.

[katanga]

Love it - unpretentious and unaffected . . .

I'm a bit anal about detail - I like the internal rhyme of 'cried' with 'dried' and your enjambment with ' . . . wiped my nose / on my sleeve'.

As discussed above, I'm uncomfortable with the last line, and I find the the title a bit cumbersome.

I would like it not to bring to mind Stevie Smith's 'Not Waving but Drowning'. Do you intend an echo there?

Overall? Love it and admire it!

John X

[Deborahhambrook]

Thanks for getting back, Emma. Glad it's improved.

Hi John. I'm really pleased you liked it. Thanks for letting me know.

Deb xx