Suffolk's Lost Atlantis

[Keith exD]

GONE TO A BETTER PLACE

[Brett]

There's much to like here, Keith - I think so, at least.

I am not sure if 'like Atlantis' is needed in that third stanza - your title already feeds that to the reader.
I am not a huge fan of questions littered through a poem (probably personal prejudice but I believe poems stronger without then unless they are absoloutely necessary). I would be tempted to remove the rhetorical questions from the stanzas that address the buildings, foundations, people, and just plainly state: 'Your buildings ground to grains...' etc.
The final stanza, again I'd be tempted to state rather than elaborate with rhetoric - 'All that's left...' Just a thought.

Definitely worth working on.

Hwyl fawr

Brett

[Keith exD]

Hi Brett,

Thanks for looking at this. I wrote this quite a while ago. I originally called it Dunwich, so I agree with loosing the 'like Atlantis' line (or go back to the original title). I also think you make a good point about the rhetorical questions. You made me think if 'dark satanic mills' . I will definitely try it without the questions.

Dunwich is a great place. I used to live about 30 miles from it and I often went there (great fish, straight off the boats). I once found a human jaw bone washed up from the sunken grave yard, apparently it's quite common to find old bones on the beach ... sorry I digress.

[silvershoes]

Liked this too Keith. Very evocative of Dunwich - which I know reasonably well. Agree with Brett that perhaps altering some of the rhetorical questions might work well. And loved the ending - the ghosts and the bones. You know I've just read your comment and hte details of the jawbone on the beach is fab. I'd be tempted to stick that in. Perhaps shorten some of the earlier verses (the building and foundations verses are quite similar) and have more of the ghosts and bones. Perhaps the ghosts can hear the church bells. But then this may be my slightly gothic side getting carried away.

Emma x

[Ergo_Proxy]

i liked it too, but since i dont know much about poetry i figured id best not say anything. *scratches head* seems ok to me. very visual

[Phil]

I enjoyed this too. Felt using quesions didn't add, rather subtracted. However - a thoughtful piece - and made me think.

Phil

[Ben Allen]

I like the atmosphere of this and how effective some of the lines are.

pebbles, clacking, grumbling.

Muddy northern waves
crash down upon your shore.

Transported me to the shoreline with no problem.

I think that the questions break the spell to a degree although I think the opening question, 'What better warning than Dunwhich?' works well.

Enjoyed reading this.
Ben.

[Keith exD]

GONE TO A BETTER PLACE

[Sue]

I do prefer this now that the questions are taken out. The imagery of the drowned port is good and the last line strong.

Stanza 1 has rather a lot of -ing words - Stepping, clacking, grumbling. Complaining, waking..
Clack, grumble, complain, could lose the endings and be stronger for it.

I did find some of your punctuation a bit odd: there are full stops breaking up sentences which I think might flow better with either a comma or no punctuation. (And: does Dunwich have one H or two?)

[Keith exD]

Thanks Sue (and also Ben, Phil, Ergo and Emma)

I will take a look at the punctuation. I tripped up there
You make a good point about too many 'ings.' I'll re-do them. I read somewhere Dunwich was once spelled Dunwhich, but now I can't find a reference to that spelling, I quite liked Dunwhich, but it looks as though I might have to change it.