Eva Cassidy,
I’ll remember you,
tears slowly rising
from the depths of me
as I listen to
you so sweetly sing.
Your soft graceful art
"Stings" me to the heart.
Poetry
Eva's Sting-edit
Moderator: Mods
Forum rules
* In the interests of fairness, please do not post more than 3 pieces of your own work at any one time.
* Responses / reviews / critiques should be posted under the work to which they refer. Detailed criticism and suggestions are welcome. However, rewriting someone's work is bad form, unless the writer has requested it.
* Discussions of other matters should be posted in the ChitChat, Off Topic or Writers' Craft forums.
* In the interests of fairness, please do not post more than 3 pieces of your own work at any one time.
* Responses / reviews / critiques should be posted under the work to which they refer. Detailed criticism and suggestions are welcome. However, rewriting someone's work is bad form, unless the writer has requested it.
* Discussions of other matters should be posted in the ChitChat, Off Topic or Writers' Craft forums.
31 posts
• Page 1 of 4 • 1, 2, 3, 4
Eva's Sting-edit
by BrianRobertNeal » Tue May 17, 2011 4:42 pm
Last edited by BrianRobertNeal on Fri May 20, 2011 12:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
- BrianRobertNeal
- Posts: 101
- Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 12:15 am
Re: Eva's Sting
by Brett » Tue May 17, 2011 4:50 pm
Not too convinced by this, Brian. I've no problem with the sentiment but there seems so much cliche that the poem seems devoid of any real passion. 'Tears slowly rising/from the depths of me' seems very lazy - can you not tell us how her singing makes you feel? The same with 'so sweetly sing'?
The rhyme scheme I like.
Cheers
Brett
The rhyme scheme I like.
Cheers
Brett
- Brett
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:56 pm
Re: Eva's Sting
by BrianRobertNeal » Tue May 17, 2011 5:07 pm
Hi Brett,
The poem reflects Eva's use of words in her songs. I suppose that limiting oneself to 5 syllable lines does impose a restriction. I was trying to capture the haunting plainful tone in her work.
Glad you liked the rhyme scheme ABCABCDD. I have no problems with clichés within a poem it's when the poem itself is a cliché then there's a problem.
This poem was sparked when I heard Sting sing, "I'll remember you" as a tribute to Eva.
Thank you for your comments,
Brian
The poem reflects Eva's use of words in her songs. I suppose that limiting oneself to 5 syllable lines does impose a restriction. I was trying to capture the haunting plainful tone in her work.
Glad you liked the rhyme scheme ABCABCDD. I have no problems with clichés within a poem it's when the poem itself is a cliché then there's a problem.
This poem was sparked when I heard Sting sing, "I'll remember you" as a tribute to Eva.
Thank you for your comments,
Brian
- BrianRobertNeal
- Posts: 101
- Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 12:15 am
Re: Eva's Sting
by Brett » Tue May 17, 2011 5:19 pm
Sting - speaking of unconvincing passion, I don't believe in any Geordie or Mackem who sings in a Jamaican accent either.
Sorry Brian - had to get that off my chest!
Brett
Sorry Brian - had to get that off my chest!
Brett
- Brett
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:56 pm
Re: Eva's Sting
by BrianRobertNeal » Tue May 17, 2011 5:27 pm
Hi Brett
that's quite OK are you by any chance a "toon" or a "monkey hangar". I'm not a fan of the man however the pun-like element of the title Eva's Sting appealed to me.
Brian
that's quite OK are you by any chance a "toon" or a "monkey hangar". I'm not a fan of the man however the pun-like element of the title Eva's Sting appealed to me.
Brian
- BrianRobertNeal
- Posts: 101
- Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 12:15 am
- Brett
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:56 pm
Re: Eva's Sting
by BrianRobertNeal » Tue May 17, 2011 6:47 pm
What's the Welsh got against Sunderland?
- BrianRobertNeal
- Posts: 101
- Joined: Sun May 01, 2011 12:15 am
Re: Eva's Sting
by Brett » Tue May 17, 2011 6:49 pm
Nothing - my brother's girlfriend is a Mackem. My gripe was with Sting singing in a Jamaican accent. Do you think this is getting slightly off topic?
- Brett
- Posts: 274
- Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:56 pm
Re: Eva's Sting
by Deborahhambrook » Tue May 17, 2011 7:06 pm
I like Eva too, and I quite like this poem, as it is a brief statement about how her songs make you feel. However, I think the ending is left a bit up in the air, and feels incomplete to me, as if it wants finishing. That might be just me though.
- Deborahhambrook
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:17 pm
Re: Eva's Sting
by Deborahhambrook » Tue May 17, 2011 7:12 pm
Ps. I think it would be better if you said, tears slowly rise, instead of rising. Just a thought.
- Deborahhambrook
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2011 12:17 pm
31 posts
• Page 1 of 4 • 1, 2, 3, 4