Eva's Sting-edit

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi Deb

" as if it wants finishing." That's how I wanted it to feel because hers is a ghost that is not easily laid. She will always haunt me.

"Ps. I think it would be better if you said, tears slowly rise, instead of rising. Just a thought" I missed this so have edited my post.

Her name which has 5 syllables set the line length, your line is a syllable short and destroys the ABCABCDD rhyme pattern

Thanks for your comments,

Brian

[Deborahhambrook]

In that case, how about taking the stop out after 'sing', and putting a comma after 'art', and then - sting me to the heart. Might make more sense. Again, just a thought I do like your poem though.

[BrianRobertNeal]

I can't make my mind up on this. I and she sting but it stings so an indefinite singular takes an S?

I'll have a think about the punctuation changes.

thanks,
Brian

[Steph]

I liked the rhyming pattern, which felt unusual. The cliches, though, don't really tell me how you felt about the subject matter, but rather describe that the way you felt was similar to how someone else felt about something different and it's that degree of separation that could be addressed with fresher ideas.

Thanks for the read.

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi Steph,glad that overall you enjoyed it. Regarding clichés I wanted the poem to have the feel of a song lyric. Thanks for your comments,

Brian

[Brett]

Interesting response - does that mean that all song lyrics are cliches? I guess that some lyrics by Porter, Gershwin, Berlin, Mercer, Arlen that may have been original in their time have become cliches when used out of context, but if a song's lyrics are made of cliches then isn't that as bad as a poem made of cliches?

Brett

[Steph]

For me, cliches are never good.

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi Brett and Steph,
The question to be asked is despite the clichés does it convey its message? Should I have reached for a Thesaurus and if so would the resultant wording be any better. Finally it felt "right" to me and adequately expressed my feelings. The novelty was in the ABCABCDD rhyme pattern.

Brian

[Brett]

It conveys a message, Brian but not very originally or convincingly, but that is only my opinion. The rhyme scheme can be used for anything - single stanza or epic narrative, but the technique should always be in the background (what is the use of a sonnet shouting 'Look, I'm a sonnet' when the sonnet has nothing else to say?).

Cheers

Brett

[BrianRobertNeal]

Hi Brett,

"'Look, I'm a sonnet' when the sonnet has nothing else to say?)."

Correct yet so many writers are obsessed with the name sonnet that they ignore the fact that it means "a little song".

"Stings me to the heart" has pun in it as it is a reference to Sting singing "I'll remember you" in tribute to Eva Cassidy.

Brian