Plaitsss

[silvershoes]

removed for submission

[Brett]

There's a lot to this that I like: 'logistics of mornings' rings true.
'zen-like calm in your fingers' I thought fantastic.

As for form - half a sestina - is there scope here for a sestina? If so, give it a go. If not, it may be worth altering the line lengths and breaks so as to make the repetitions more subtle. Just an idle thought (and I do mean idle).

Hwyl fawr

Brett

[Deborahhambrook]

I loved this. It's so clever how you have used all the details and woven them in. I really enjoyed reading it. Whatever you decide to do with the poem in the end, complete it in this form first. It's great!

Deb x

[Ben Allen]

I agree with Brett's comments on this.
I'm particularly fond of the Sestina (and the Pantoum) which I find has a hypnotically rhythmic quality, I haven't managed to write one but I enjoy the moment of reading, I think they're made for a slow read in a warm burrow, deep in the winter.

This reminds of a Frank Zappa track that I heard back in the year zonk.
It started off with a pleasing chug of drums and bass that kind of rounded out and then Frank started nudging the high notes in nice and smooth and it all started to come together............and then stopped.
Frank laughed on the track and said, "That's all you're getting folks."
The track last about a minute and thirty seconds, I wanted at least an album side!! (vinyl back then) Aaaww Frank, c'mon man!!!

So, as I read this form, the musics there but the moments broken, at least for me.
Having said that, I see that Deb liked it so maybe it's something to do with balance?
Just an end thought.

All the best.
Ben.

[SylvesterG]

Two aspects of your post make it a pleasurable read as far as I am concerned. The first is the subject matter, which brings me happy memories. The second is the tritina itself, a subject about which I know next to nothing, apart from having some vague notions of repeating end-of-line words of the first tercet in certain predetermined sequence in each line of the following tercets, but I find the form attractive.

I note that in your post there are minor deviations from “hands", "mornings", and "cross” in the two subsequent tercets - (poetic licence?). I am curious, are there rules regarding how much adherence is required to line-endings of first tercet?

I am also puzzled by the concluding words of the final line. I like the inclusion of the word “time” (because it brings in a further dimension, and that is nice) but what is the function of the five final words? Is the need for them technical?

Help me.

SG
.

[spuglet]

Everyone is coming up with very clever stuff here and I'll admit to having no idea what your comments mean. But, I loved Plait, simply because it takes as long to read as it takes to braid. It creates an immediate accessible image of warm, imperfect family life.

If the plaitee starts wriggling, rap them on the bonce with the back of the hair-brush.
(Never did me any harm.)

spuglet

[Ben Allen]

Second comment on this, I suppose I could have edited out the first comment and replaced it but I thought that I'd leave it up as an initial thought.

Still in agreement with Brett's comment but, to be honest, I don't think I was reading it the right way when I commented the first time.
The length of the fifth and the eighth line seemed to be putting me off.

Having left it a couple of days and then come back to it with a fresher eye I've now decided that I quite like it but still wonder, as Brett commented, if it could be expanded or the breaks and lengths altered.

If the plaitee starts wriggling, rap them on the bonce with the back of the hair-brush.
That made me laugh, I'd have probably fitted it into the poem by now

All the best
Ben.

[silvershoes]

thanks for all the replies, lots to think about.

I'm not sure there is enough in this to stretch to a sestina, feel would have to add some other element to it, or else be too repetitive. To be honest I'm not sure I like sestinas as a whole. While there's the odd brilliant one, mostly I just feel like I'm being beaten round the head when I read them (and worse when I try to write them!)

Partly that's why thought might be fun to do this - at half the length though it might be a bit more palatable, and had been mulling the idea of a plait for a while, so it seemed to fit the "three" form of it quite well.

Agree about those long lines - one was longer to start with. May have to look at again. And as far as I know there aren't any fixed rules for the last bit. In a sestina you have to repeat all the "end words " again in an envoi - which is usually two lines. so technically speaking this perhaps sohuld have been one, but I liked the last bit, so left it on!

[silvershoes]

made a few minor tweaks - not sure hugely improved. Meant to add, think it was SylvestorG - who mentioned the term tritina as a description. Recently ordered a book called "Adventures in form" which mentions this plus lots of other out-there forms, which is certainly daunting, but quite invigorating, and this is where got idea from. If you're interested in such things, certainly recommend it.

And Spuglet - have been tempted to take such action on MANY an occasion. My best friend is a social worker - not sure she's approve!

And Brett - think you're idea may be worth it. NOt sure it will stretch to a sestina, but wonder if might make a better poem, if keep the idea of it, but perhaps ditch some of the repititions, as said more of an experiment really.


Emma x

[SylvesterG]

My vote goes for v.1. I like “errant strands of hair” in the original second tercet. “too loud TV” in the current third detracts. It is too pedestrian for me. I would rather stay with “slightly wonky plait,” which I like (have printed out both versions ).
But do not take much notice of any of my musings. I am no expert.

SG