So Far She Slips, Away Again

[ptmart]

So far she slips, away again,
O’er the edge and down she falls.
Deep into the lifeless glen,
‘Tis there she waits – from darkness calls.
Her lover’s ear now far away,
His hope hath faded, come undone.
Await she night to bring the day
But in this place dawn does not come.

One day this plight may pass, in time
That light may start to glow and then
New men may come and some may pine
To feed her starving heart again.

And though she n’ere did cheat nor sin
Her truest love o’ once still dead.
Long carried by the valley wind:
New hope, new life, new love – new dread.

[Sooz]

This is my favourite of the three, so far. It reads to me as though it could be put to music, it's like a folk song.

[Brett]

Hello,

May I ask why you have used such archaic language here? 'Oe'r',''Tis', 'hath' etc - surely you do not speak like this?

The use of such old poetic terms gets in the way.

Hwyl fawr

Brett

[ptmart]

Thanks for posting, guys. This is one also one of my favourites. I wrote it when I was hungover.

Hi Brett. No I don't talk like that - but it would be quite amusing to try for a day. I actually like the archaic language. ''Tis' was used to cut down to the right amount of syllables if memory serves. I quite like working with syllables. However, I see how it could come across as unnecessary or pretentious etc. Personally, I like it. It's a stylistic choice and one that suits a romantic poem. I think it's cool.

Also, do many people who write poetry speak in the same way that they construct their stanzas? That would also be quite amusing, archaic language aside.

I think it's the kind of thing that some people might like and some people might not. Maybe I could edit and re-post with the changes to see what people prefer? What do you think?

Either way, thank you for reading. I will check out some of your stuff later after lunch.

Speak soon. Thanks again. PT

[Ben Allen]

I don't mind the language use in this. I think it suits the poem but I'd question this line:

Await she night to bring the day

It might seem pedantic but to me it reads as 'awaiting the she night.'
Perhaps this is one of the hiccups in using older language styles for modern day readers?
Worth looking at (if you want to, that is)

Enjoyed the poem.
Ben

[Brett]

The language may suit the poem if it was written in the 18th or 19th century but as it wasn't it doesn't ring true.

Depends what you want to do with your writing - if you just wish to mess about and not develop it, all well and good but as a 'stylistic choice' this will not see you published anywhere worth its salt.


Did you mean 'syllables' or 'metre'? If you are working to syllables then lines 2 and 3 need a recount.



Hwyl fawr

Brett

[Keith exD]

I found this faintly comic. I know you didn't mean it to be that way and I didn't intend to find this anything but a serious piece. However it came across as a bit funny ... sorry. The final line; new dreads woke me up and reminded me this is a serious piece.

One line struck me as very odd: Her lover’s ear now far away,

OK I know that is classical language structure, but somehow Vincent Van Gogh sprung to mind. I am terribly embarrassed to admit this.

If you do re-do this on modern style I'd be interested to see it and how it comes over to me.

[Ben Allen]

Reading the comments so far I think that you either need to take Brett's advice on board or work very hard on the choice of language.

Take the comment from Brett:

The language may suit the poem if it was written in the 18th or 19th century but as it wasn't it doesn't ring true.

And the comment from Keith:

One line struck me as very odd: Her lover’s ear now far away,

And from me:

It might seem pedantic but to me it reads as 'awaiting the she night.'

O.k, all of this can happen in modern writing as well (and I'm not a stranger to it) but it's made even more difficult by the language choice and the modern reader.

Something else that you have to watch is people reading it as a 'faintly comical' piece because of the language use (should be ashamed of yourself Keith!!)

I still like it though, just think that you have to be careful with the way it comes across and put work into studying the kind of language that you choose to use.

Ben

[Keith exD]

It doth indeed shame me greatly to regard the words I have committed to screen.

[ptmart]

Hehe. Well I'm glad you chaps think it worthy of comment at least. I'll take on board your feedback for the next poem I write and see if I can try something a bit different. It is very interesting the different ideas you guys get from it though.

Faintly comical - haha. Yeah, it wasn't for me at the time really. But then again, I guess that's why people write in the first place right?

Thanks for the messages, guys. I'm new on here so will be looking forward to hearing more from you in the future.

Speak soon

PT