Inside My Heart

[Vicsandra]

My heart bleeds
A blackness inside me
And I cannot breathe - only feel
The crushing pain that will not go away.
Loneliness is at my right hand
And despair at my left;
Sorrow is their offspring.
She clutches at my throat,
And as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death
I fear the evil.
The one who can destroy all that is me
All that is within me.

Could it be that there is hope?

My heart beats
A joy inside me
I can breathe - I can feel
A peace beyond comprehension
Joy is at my right hand
And hope at my left.
Peace is their offspring
And as I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death
I fear no evil.
For You are with me.

[Vicsandra]

I would like to say that this is the first poem I have written in 20 years! I welcome all feedback as that is how we learn and grow! Thank you all.

[WendyPratt]

Hello

don't think I've seen you about, if you're new, welcome to GW!

And well done you for getting back in the poetry saddle after 20 years!

Now to the poem-

I think any poem is worth working on and this could come good with a bit of thought and tidying. My problem with it is that the ideas being expressed are quite big - there are no concrete images for the reader to react to. When you say, for example, 'loneliness it at my right hand/and despair at my left' the reader doesn't really connect, it might be a very vivid image to the writer especially, but for the reader it doesn't really mean anything.

Pain and suffering are difficult to get into a poem and to pin down those emotions it's helpful to have something more solid. You could always expand on the metaphor and similies but I do think there needs to be more for the reader to connect to.

Hope that makes sense.

Wendy