Reverie

[sean25]

first post please be kind, first two stanzas of an unfinished poem dream inspired.









Across vast rolling custard sands, set upon listless moulds
The ceaseless clock hands, govern cruel ephemeral groans
Soft cool chills creep, lizards leap, and Hesperian fires repeat
Exquisite eyes flutter far from coherence far from waking


Underneath sultry polar sands, prowls the phantasm
Claw like cruel hands, eyes of healthy cancer chasms
Razor heat winds shout, denounce devout, nothing worth screaming about
The sweat drips the bed creaks body flinches and jolts

[WendyPratt]

Hello

Congratulations on your first post! welcome to GW!

I have to say, for me, this poem is too description heavy. It feels a little cluttered because of this. And, to be perfectly honest, a lot of it didn't make sense.

You say in your introduction that the poem is dream based, but even dream poems need to be accessible for the reader and I felt my mind switching off in the second stanza.

I wonder if it could be tightened up a little?

For example, in that first line do we need vast, rolling and custard? (Custard makes it a bit comical- are the sands actually custard?) perhaps two of those descriptions rather than three would help the poem move along better.

denounce devout, lines like this leave me a bit confused as to their meaning.

Sorry it's a bit of a negative review, hope it's helpful though.

Wendy