And this is me!—for which, I will apologise in advance.
The overall feel of this piece is very dark (no pun intended), especially with all the grabbing, dragging and locking of doors. For me, it borders on a rape scene – the ''photo finish'' a trophy of conquest to be posted on some seedy internet site.
But that's just me!
I will not comment on lines that have already been discussed, but would suggest that you take another look at: ''It was black as I'd never known it.''
Were I your teacher, guiding you, I would pull you up on your grammar. Something cannot be ''as'' something you do not know, ''as'' something you have never known.
''It was the same as something I have never seen.''
Surely she must have known black before? And black is black (I want my baby back).
Shades of Nigel Tufnel!
"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is 'None'. None more black."
I would also question whether one can bruise a spine? No meat!
Though I do like ''bruising from the inside''. 'Tis a lesson I've a yen to teach! Would she do it, again, for a yen, do you think? I have a jar of rupees somewhere about the house.
You begin with a short statement ''I said'' and then have a rather lengthy sentence that gets us from car journey to darkroom in a single bound. I wonder, perhaps, if you might do better to have two shorter sentences, thereby separating drive from perambulation.
When I said that I had never known total darkness, you turned the car, abruptly, and drove me back to school. Grabbed by the hand, you led me through the corridors, dragged me inside, locked the door.
The suggestion of the closing ''darkness'' being the deed, as opposed to the environment, works well, I feel, given the overall theme and feel of the piece.
I wonder – given that it is all past tense – whether it should be ''done anything like 'that' before''?
All the best,
Well, in the United States, you have, uh, cod. I like cod. And I love tuna. Those little cans you got here. Tuna fish... No bones!!!
Writing for an audience of one.