The Darkroom - Removed

[Deborahhambrook]

Removed

[PattyM]

Hi Deborah,

This is a bit unsettling, especially the lines:

‘The bench, too hard and cold
for comfort, brought awareness

of spine and haunches
bruising from the inside.’

and the ending seems to confirm what I was thinking, without actually spelling it out:

‘nor ever done anything like this
anywhere else before.’

The only criticism I would have is your use of the term ‘photo finish’. I’m not 100% sure if a pun is quite right in this instance, but that’s just my opinion.

Thanks for sharing it.

P

[Deborahhambrook]

Thanks Patty, for reading and taking the time to comment. I'll have a think about the 'photo' pun. It's just that as it's set in the darkroom I thought it fitting. I had wondered if it sounded a bit wrong myself. Still not sure.

Thanks again.

Deb x

[Ben Allen]

Hi Deb,
I like this a lot.

A few things I've been thinking about:
The first stanza, You turned the car abruptly doesn't seem to read quite right to me. Maybe, Abruptly, you turned the car, moving the words around a little.

grabbed my hand and lead (led) me
down the corridors,

Looking at the use 'I'd' throughout. Could any of these be changed to 'I had'? Perhaps here - what I'd learned on the fifth stanza, using learnt in place of learned, just a thought.

I didn't read 'photo finish' as a pun, the use of painful before it takes that away (at least, for me)

Just a few thoughts, pretty tired at the minute though, so if I'm just woffling feel free to ignore!

Good poem, unsettling with a kind darkly (no pun intended, painful or otherwise) captured moment to it.

Enjoyed.
Ben

[Deborahhambrook]

Hi Ben. Where've you bin , it's bin well borin? Thanks for the spell-check. I had changed it around and didn't notice I had left - lead, which was right in the first version.
re- abruptly, do you think -You abruptly turned the car- would make any difference, or not? I'm glad you think 'photo finish' is ok. That bit seems important to the poem for me - what with it being set in the darkroom, which in itself could be classed as a pun - dark room, or dark place.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Deborah x

[Ben Allen]

I bin watching soggy seagulls, Deb.

Abruptly - I was thinking of the opening sentence and then the abruptness of 'Abruptly,' Does that make sense? I think it's the missing 'around' that you have to be careful of, so:

I said I'd never known total darkness.
Abruptly, you turned the car (around)
and drove me back to school,

Not quite what you were thinking of but just expanding the thought.

Worth thinking further on this poem, Deb.
Although the thoughts above are only from one reviewer (me). Be good to see further comments, suggestions. It's a good poem.

All the best
Ben

[Deborahhambrook]

Thanks Ben.

Will think on.

Deb X

[Messiah]

And this is me!—for which, I will apologise in advance.

The overall feel of this piece is very dark (no pun intended), especially with all the grabbing, dragging and locking of doors. For me, it borders on a rape scene – the ''photo finish'' a trophy of conquest to be posted on some seedy internet site.
But that's just me!
I will not comment on lines that have already been discussed, but would suggest that you take another look at: ''It was black as I'd never known it.''

Were I your teacher, guiding you, I would pull you up on your grammar. Something cannot be ''as'' something you do not know, ''as'' something you have never known.
''It was the same as something I have never seen.''
Surely she must have known black before? And black is black (I want my baby back).

Shades of Nigel Tufnel!
"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is 'None'. None more black."

I would also question whether one can bruise a spine? No meat!
Though I do like ''bruising from the inside''. 'Tis a lesson I've a yen to teach! Would she do it, again, for a yen, do you think? I have a jar of rupees somewhere about the house.

You begin with a short statement ''I said'' and then have a rather lengthy sentence that gets us from car journey to darkroom in a single bound. I wonder, perhaps, if you might do better to have two shorter sentences, thereby separating drive from perambulation.

When I said that I had never known total darkness, you turned the car, abruptly, and drove me back to school. Grabbed by the hand, you led me through the corridors, dragged me inside, locked the door.

The suggestion of the closing ''darkness'' being the deed, as opposed to the environment, works well, I feel, given the overall theme and feel of the piece.
I wonder – given that it is all past tense – whether it should be ''done anything like 'that' before''?

All the best,
NT

Well, in the United States, you have, uh, cod. I like cod. And I love tuna. Those little cans you got here. Tuna fish... No bones!!!

[Keith exD]

Mornin' Deb,
I have been watching the events surrounding this poem. I like it, I don't see anything that really needs changing ,except maybe Ben's suggestion about the car turning around.

I just have one question regarding the 'photo finish' line. To me, using this phrase implies the MC was a willing participant in the 'lesson' albeit painful but, one must assume, enjoyable. However, if you wanted to give the impression the MC was, let's say, cajoled and felt used, I think another phrase would be better.

Personally I like the photo finish phrase. It works well with the darkroom scenario and gives a 'naughty but nice' theme --- sensual and softly erotic.

Cheers
Keith

[Phil Greenacre]

I quite liked the 'photo finish' line, too